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If you have left an ea marriage

(9 Posts)
duckyisback Wed 24-Aug-16 11:03:30

Sorry it's a long one but I desperately need some advice.

What was it that finally made you end it? And how did your husband react?

Have been in a very very unhappy marriage for years now. We have been together for 10 years, one dc and I am pregnant.

Previously split up with him and he was threatening suicide and smashing up the house. In the end he was arrested but back the following day. I ended up staying as I had nowhere to go. We spoke that night and he got so much better for a couple of months, I thought things had finally changed. Then I got pregnant.

Since then everything has been slowly slipping back to how it was before, but worse.

I can't take being miserable any more. But I don't know why I'm so terrified of ending things.

I know I need a better plan than last time, I had nowhere to go. I am calling estate agents to book viewing of some houses hopefully in the next week. I have told a select few family members who have said they will help me out with a deposit.

Am hoping I can arrange a place to go, tell him, then leave and give him time to digest it.

I have no idea how I will go on from there as I am a sahm and carer for a family member. As I am named on a mortgage I don't think I'd be entitled to housing benefit and couldn't afford rent. I also have no idea how I will furnish a house but I am sure that will get sorted. I know I have a travel cot I could use until I could arrange to collect dc bed.

I also hate the fact that I feel I am kicking him out of the house as i know he wouldn't afford it on his own (and would destroy it). And I'm worried about him coping on his own.

I am not innocent in everything, I can be very difficult to live with, but I feel we both can be happier apart.

Some days things are ok, and I feel even worse for what I'm planning, but I feel I am loosing myself and am turning into a depressed wreck of a person.

I have previously spoke to WA, they said I needed a one to one advisor but were sending me round in circles trying to get one. I also feel wrong for using them as he hasn't hit me, and I'm bad to him too. I'm always moody with him, as stupid as it sounds it's kind of in the hope that it softens the blow for him when we do split up.

Has anyone experienced this before?

Morasssassafras Wed 24-Aug-16 11:21:02

I left when the fear of staying became more than the fear of leaving. I realised that if I stayed he would end up killing me in one way or another. He hadn't actually hit me although he had raised a fist on more than one occasion.

I left while he was at work. I had nowhere to go so got in touch with local housing who did an assessment and said it was domestic abuse and that they could help me with temporary housing, which isn't great and I'm still in a year later, but it's so much better than it was being with him.

I think that you might be entitled to housing benefit as you wouldn't be living in the house but citizens advice bureau would be able to advise you about any benefits you would be able to claim, especially as you are a carer.

I've seen people be advised to call the police if/when their xp threatens suicide as its really not your problem to deal with anymore and its a common threat from abusive people.

It's hard but doable flowers

Morasssassafras Wed 24-Aug-16 11:22:36

Oh and the domestic abuse service in my area have been fantastic at helping me emotionally and practically so please do find the one in your area and ring them.

duckyisback Wed 24-Aug-16 11:59:48

Thank you for the reply. Well done on getting out!

I have the number of a local organisation who I have briefly spoke to. But they all seem so keen on putting me in a refuge, whereas I can find housing & deposit but just need to find more out about benefits.

Will probably give them a call later if I get chance before he is home from work, if not will call them tomorrow.

The police last time were really helpful when on the phone, but the officer that turned up was awful. He was very 'on h's side' iykwim.

Zumbarunswim Wed 24-Aug-16 12:34:59

I got housing benefit even when my name was on a mortgage. Also got a private rental. I got put to top of housing list and offered a council place in weeks but i decided against uprooting my older kids.

My trigger to leave was being made redundant so seeing it as my only chance as my money was draining away into house/joint finances and I didn't want to hand over my redundancy money to him. Previously there had been lots of verbal/emotional/financial abuse and a bit of sexual coercion and I had been at the point for a while that I knew he would not change. It was hard and I did have doubts (like you say-he could be pleasant and I'd feel guilty for plotting to leave him behind his back) but the kids were so much happier in days and I do think my baby picked up on the atmosphere. It was really funny getting used to being able to do whatever I wanted but mostly I am happy and relaxed these days which is lovely.

Zumbarunswim Wed 24-Aug-16 12:35:46

Does he smash up the house when you are there? It's a shame if you have to leave angry

Zumbarunswim Wed 24-Aug-16 12:36:21

I mean it would make more sense for you to stay but doesn't sound like you are dealing with a rational person thinking of putting the kids first.

duckyisback Wed 24-Aug-16 15:14:51

Yes last when I told him it was over last time he told me I had to get out but I could stay the night. I stayed out as late as poss until ds fell asleep in the car, I found h passed out on the floor in the house. I went to go and sleep on ds floor then I heard banging and slamming, I went downstairs and he had smashed the place up and had tried to hang himself confused. I begged him to go to sil because he was scaring me and she was phoning trying to get him to go to hers but he refused. In the end I called the police.

It was all very strange, his first reaction wasn't regarding contact with ds, it was 'I'm keeping the tv' followed by a list of things that he is having. Not once was his son mentioned.

Some days he can be nice, then I feel like a bitch, but even then he still doesn't make me happy. He seems completely oblivious to any problems were having at all though! Even though soon after I got pregnant we have been sleeping in separate rooms

adora1 Wed 24-Aug-16 15:25:40

You are on the road to a happier life OP, you know he won't change, he can be nice for a little while but soon reverts to type, the fact he thinks nothing is wrong is showing you how fucked up he is, that is not your problem to solve, you have a child who has already witnessed god knows what and one on the way, make their lives a lot happier by leaving this horrid situation.

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