Contact with ex

[lacktoastandtolerance]

I ended my fifteen-ish-year relationship about eighteen-ish months ago. Entirely my decision, and I believe now as much as I did then that it was the right one to make. We've both moved on well, and I'm very happy in my new life.

At the time I obviously focused on what my partner had done wrong in the relationship: although I knew I wasn't perfect, I definitely underplayed my own faults in my head.

With the benefit of time, I've had chance to reflect and accept the mistakes I made: they weren't 'major' ones (e.g. an affair), but not being equal enough: not wanting to talk about money, not helping with household admin, the habit of glancing at my phone during conversations and more. The seemingly small things that all add up over time which, frankly, don't make the other person feel special.

Anyway, my problem... I want to apologise, I want to say that even though I worked hard to keep the relationship going, perhaps I didn't work hard enough. I want to admit to the failings on my part, and that I am sorry for any upset I caused.

However, I don't want to dredge up old memories for my ex, who has experienced depression. I don't want to reopen old wounds on either side.

My gut feleing is that I should write a letter and then not send it.

It will get this stuff out of my head, but not cause any upset. We do have an amicable relationshp, not exactly best buddies but are able to spend time together at, say, family events, and chat without any hard feelings.

How would you feel to receive a letter from a contrite ex?

There's no hint or expectation of getting back together - I'm now in a happy relationship and my current partner has met my ex. It's more therapy for me, which is why I'm worried it might be selfish to send the letter.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[HappyJanuary]

My ex did this and I welcomed it.

I would find an opportunity to open a conversation 'I feel I owe you an apology for...' and judge the rest on her reaction.

You will be able to tell whether she is receptive or not after the opening sentence I think.

[lacktoastandtolerance]

Thanks, yes - that makes sense, and glad it helped you.

The main thing I want to avoid is any hint of "look how great I am now, because I'm not with you", because that's not how I feel.

I had to change my life to change my life, if that makes any sense, and it's given me a much better understanding of the mistakes I've made in the past. I can't change those, and it doesn't mean I want to go back to a previous relationship, but I can hopefully make some amends to hurt feelings I have caused.

Thanks again.

[Missgraeme]

I waited ten years to get an apology from my exh. It was quite a relief to know he accepted he had been a twat and that it wasnt just me who thought that he was!

[lacktoastandtolerance]

Sounds right, Missgraeme, as long as you don't mind me being "a bit of a twat" rather than "a twat" .

There was fault on each side, just one of those situations where people within a relationship change and aren't a particularly positive match any more. I certainly won't go along the lines of "I did this, but you did that...". It's not about point-scoring in the slightest, just a desire to straighten some wonky lines.