My first thread in a long time, never a frequent poster but lurked for years.
I've been with a man for 3 years, since the breakdown of my marriage. We had an affair prior to us leaving our partners, although my exh and I had already discussed separation so this wasn't the instigator. (Not an excuse. Just background)
This relationship should have been a short term rebound I know that now. He swept me off my feet, was different to anyone I'd met beofre and I was besotted.
I can see now the controlling and emotional abuse was there from the start. But he always blamed me. I was very strong and argued and defended my self for days and weeks. But always wanted to stay. He had affairs, physically abused me, psychologically abused me, ridiculed and belittledo me. Used anything and everything against me particularly personal things I told him. I told him everything, that's how I am, too open. I never lied but was always accused of doing so. I was accused of affairs (I know our start could explain that) but there was never any substance to these accusations. While he was having them. I found out about several and he denied for months but eventually admitted. He sees that as him being honest. He speaks to his ex wife regularly but hides it from me - no dcs, she knows about our affair and has shouted at me in the street in front of him several times. They are not a couple, she has a partner and appears happy. She has admitted trying to break us up (not unreasonable on her part I know) I have no problem with her as I did wrong but he won't ever see bad in her and their relationship is equivalent to an emotional affair in my eyes. I know I'm not on a position to complain but he says that they should stay friends. Do friends buy each other personal gifts and send photos of themselves to each other?
So I'm in the wrong there but he stays with me and I try to move on. 5 times from big betrayals (a weekend away etc) there have been other women too. Again emotional definitely. Sex I don't know and that bothers me much less anyway.
So the emotional abuse. Name calling, ridiculing, making things up that I have said or done, accusations of affairs, being unsupportive during all the big things (good or bad) being great in the lead up, proud after but awful during so whatever it is is harder for me. I had an operation. He was worried before, caring and lovely bought me new pj's for hospital etc. When I gother home and needed looking after for just a day he created an argument from nowhere and left for 24 hours.
He tells me I'm miserable, i m actually quite cheerful and have a good game face so people rarely know if I'm having a bad day including him. I'm accused of being miserable when I'm in my best moods.
Looking at my phone. Checking my Internet and location history. Checking I'm at work and still not believing I am. Criticising my cooking / cleaning / parenting one minute, praising it the next.
Never chatting about his day or himself. Keeping his friends and family seperate from me but happily interacts well with mine.
I have 2 dcs 8 and 5. He's fab with them most of the time. I mean really really good. But can be strictwritten than I like and his words can be harsh to them. I do worry the girls could be affected in the long term but he's not abusive and has never hurt them. He's very protective of them.
Physical violence started after a year. Nothing more severe than bruising but I've been strangled several times. The threats of violence are worse. I'm not sure what he's capable of. He's threatened to stab me and got tools out to do it with but never done it. There have been maybe a dozen incidents. They last several hours, they are frightening. I am scared he will kill me one day. Even if it's accidental. He's remorseful eventually to an extent but the blame always comes back to me. He says it shouldn't have happened but thathe if I hadn't done xyz he wouldnt have got so angry.
Obviously he is not always like this. I won't writems the positives as you know there must be some for me to stay. But everyone sees him as the lovely wonderful version.
I'm. Not stupid. I know this is totally wrong. I know what it is. I know all the subtle things that he does which are part of the abuse. I know I shouldnt be with him for my by particularly my childrens sake. I know he might kill me and this is a valid fear.
I own my own house. He doesn't totally live here. He's here all the time but he doesn't have things here. They are in storage. Not my choice I'd like to share our life completely but he won't. But to all.intents and purposes he lives here. However us splitting would cause me housing or financial issues.
He was arrested 2 months ago for assaulting me. He was bailed but cannot come within 200 miles of me. Quite severed conditions. He has no criminal record.
This is my out. I'm on my own. I've done it.
But I can't stop contact (obviously he's breaking bail conditions but I'm not stopping him and I instigated it) Im broken hearted and miserable. My home is running well but it's not enough. I'm scared I'll take him back. Im confused as I know I shouldn't, I don't even want to in many ways. But I do In others. I'm not worried about being alone. I'm not worried about coping or the future alone. I just want him. I compare it to an addiction. I still kid myself he might change. I'm certain there are mental health issues but even if there are he's still an evil person behind them. Even in the time after his arrest his behaviour hasnt changed. He's both awful and lovely. But more awful. Why can't I withdraw? What do I need to do? I've told my friends and family this time to help me stay away. They know nothing about previous incidents and I won't tell them.
How do I keep my family safe from my stupid decisions?
Apologies for the probably terrible post. I've never fine through it like this beofre and I've just opened up the flood gates
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
DV. Emotional abuse. Narcissistic. Poss mental health issues. He's left but I can't stop contact.
49 replies
allthefuckingnicknamesaretaken · 24/08/2016 07:07
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.