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DV. Emotional abuse. Narcissistic. Poss mental health issues. He's left but I can't stop contact.

(39 Posts)
allthefuckingnicknamesaretaken Wed 24-Aug-16 07:07:32

My first thread in a long time, never a frequent poster but lurked for years.

I've been with a man for 3 years, since the breakdown of my marriage. We had an affair prior to us leaving our partners, although my exh and I had already discussed separation so this wasn't the instigator. (Not an excuse. Just background)

This relationship should have been a short term rebound I know that now. He swept me off my feet, was different to anyone I'd met beofre and I was besotted.

I can see now the controlling and emotional abuse was there from the start. But he always blamed me. I was very strong and argued and defended my self for days and weeks. But always wanted to stay. He had affairs, physically abused me, psychologically abused me, ridiculed and belittledo me. Used anything and everything against me particularly personal things I told him. I told him everything, that's how I am, too open. I never lied but was always accused of doing so. I was accused of affairs (I know our start could explain that) but there was never any substance to these accusations. While he was having them. I found out about several and he denied for months but eventually admitted. He sees that as him being honest. He speaks to his ex wife regularly but hides it from me - no dcs, she knows about our affair and has shouted at me in the street in front of him several times. They are not a couple, she has a partner and appears happy. She has admitted trying to break us up (not unreasonable on her part I know) I have no problem with her as I did wrong but he won't ever see bad in her and their relationship is equivalent to an emotional affair in my eyes. I know I'm not on a position to complain but he says that they should stay friends. Do friends buy each other personal gifts and send photos of themselves to each other?

So I'm in the wrong there but he stays with me and I try to move on. 5 times from big betrayals (a weekend away etc) there have been other women too. Again emotional definitely. Sex I don't know and that bothers me much less anyway.

So the emotional abuse. Name calling, ridiculing, making things up that I have said or done, accusations of affairs, being unsupportive during all the big things (good or bad) being great in the lead up, proud after but awful during so whatever it is is harder for me. I had an operation. He was worried before, caring and lovely bought me new pj's for hospital etc. When I gother home and needed looking after for just a day he created an argument from nowhere and left for 24 hours.

He tells me I'm miserable, i m actually quite cheerful and have a good game face so people rarely know if I'm having a bad day including him. I'm accused of being miserable when I'm in my best moods.

Looking at my phone. Checking my Internet and location history. Checking I'm at work and still not believing I am. Criticising my cooking / cleaning / parenting one minute, praising it the next.

Never chatting about his day or himself. Keeping his friends and family seperate from me but happily interacts well with mine.

I have 2 dcs 8 and 5. He's fab with them most of the time. I mean really really good. But can be strictwritten than I like and his words can be harsh to them. I do worry the girls could be affected in the long term but he's not abusive and has never hurt them. He's very protective of them.

Physical violence started after a year. Nothing more severe than bruising but I've been strangled several times. The threats of violence are worse. I'm not sure what he's capable of. He's threatened to stab me and got tools out to do it with but never done it. There have been maybe a dozen incidents. They last several hours, they are frightening. I am scared he will kill me one day. Even if it's accidental. He's remorseful eventually to an extent but the blame always comes back to me. He says it shouldn't have happened but thathe if I hadn't done xyz he wouldnt have got so angry.

Obviously he is not always like this. I won't writems the positives as you know there must be some for me to stay. But everyone sees him as the lovely wonderful version.

I'm. Not stupid. I know this is totally wrong. I know what it is. I know all the subtle things that he does which are part of the abuse. I know I shouldnt be with him for my by particularly my childrens sake. I know he might kill me and this is a valid fear.

I own my own house. He doesn't totally live here. He's here all the time but he doesn't have things here. They are in storage. Not my choice I'd like to share our life completely but he won't. But to all.intents and purposes he lives here. However us splitting would cause me housing or financial issues.

He was arrested 2 months ago for assaulting me. He was bailed but cannot come within 200 miles of me. Quite severed conditions. He has no criminal record.

This is my out. I'm on my own. I've done it.

But I can't stop contact (obviously he's breaking bail conditions but I'm not stopping him and I instigated it) Im broken hearted and miserable. My home is running well but it's not enough. I'm scared I'll take him back. Im confused as I know I shouldn't, I don't even want to in many ways. But I do In others. I'm not worried about being alone. I'm not worried about coping or the future alone. I just want him. I compare it to an addiction. I still kid myself he might change. I'm certain there are mental health issues but even if there are he's still an evil person behind them. Even in the time after his arrest his behaviour hasnt changed. He's both awful and lovely. But more awful. Why can't I withdraw? What do I need to do? I've told my friends and family this time to help me stay away. They know nothing about previous incidents and I won't tell them.

How do I keep my family safe from my stupid decisions?

Apologies for the probably terrible post. I've never fine through it like this beofre and I've just opened up the flood gates

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-16 07:14:26

Well, this has to be said, love.

If you don't keep your family safe from this man then it is likely that someone else will

Child safeguarding services take a dim view of children being exposed to domestic violence and women encouraging abusive men to break their bail conditions

Do you value your relationship with this awful man over the safety and security of your dc ? Because it certainly looks that way.

Helpmexyz Wed 24-Aug-16 07:21:40

I've name changed but too late so probably pointless. I've read through my post and it's full of spelling and grammatical errors I'm sorry. The main error is that him leaving will NOT cause me financial or housing issues.

The children are not his. Thankfully we do not have any together. However we spoke about it and I'm scared if I go back again we'll end up having one and I'll always have to have that link and contact even after I find the strength to leave.

My post sounds like I'm stupid. I'm not. I have a good job, decent friends and am a well respected member of my community. I'm just so, I don't know...lost? I'm also gutted this hadn't turnEd out like I thought it would in those first few months. I've worked so damn hard at this, given everything, gone against my instinct and beliefs knowingly it seems too much to give up on

Helpmexyz Wed 24-Aug-16 07:38:05

Sorry anyfucker I posted before I saw your post. Thank you for posting.

Social services were involved after an incident last year which never got to court as I refused to attend.

The children had never witnessed anything and are bright and cheerful which they were at the assessment. Unfortunately because if my job I'm very aware of the right things to say. I'm eloquent and a good actress so the case was closed after 1 visit. I'm not proud of this but we've had another assessment this time,same SW and it appears to be going the same way. He has also requested mental health and anger support though the courts which looks good and although SW has advised me not to take him back he has said we could work with them as a family.

Do I value him more than my children? It looks that's way yes. It feels that way because I know how wrong it is. So why can't I stop this?

waddleandtoddle Wed 24-Aug-16 07:45:50

It's strange how bad people get a hold of you - well, talking from experience.

My post would be very similar to yours and I'm just trying to take ownership of my past after finally walking away.

Don't go back, it will be worse and he won't let you escape next time. And he may never hurt your kids, but it wouldn't take much for him to do so if he's in your house. It's an awful feeling to be in fear of your life and you can live without it.

What helped me - visit family and friends, be honest with them and talk things through- they'll support you and help with loneliness. Online dating helped - a bit of a chore, but I met someone who I'm in constant communication with - I'll text him, not my ex - so that changed my focus. And a holiday- go to the beach, go camping, take a drive out with the kids - have a chance to chill.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 24-Aug-16 07:46:26

Oh dear, what you must do is tell someone in real life what this man is like!

I refuse to believe that your children are not being affected by your relationship with this man.

He does not love you, this is not love, he is dysfunctional and very, very dangerous.

If you have him back you are subjecting your children and yourself to domestic abuse and their life will be affected by it.

You are a fool to think otherwise.

You can choose who to bring in their life, they can't.

Can you tell a friend or your parents?

Berthatydfil Wed 24-Aug-16 07:47:14

He has attempted to STRANGLE you that is a marker for very serious domestic violence possibly leading to death.
Do you want your young daughters left without their mother at a young age potentially brought up in the care system ?
I doubt they would be bright and cheerful then.
Leave this man if not for your sake for theirs.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 24-Aug-16 07:50:05

Believe me if you stay with this man your kids will end up on CP plans, similarly do not be surprised if he shows SW evidence that you have been contacting him when not supposed to.

He will know if he comes back you'll be too afraid to call the police due to another SS referral and he will use it to his advantage.

Why not tell the SW the truth? As you have done here...

DoreenLethal Wed 24-Aug-16 08:00:32

But I can't stop contact (obviously he's breaking bail conditions but I'm not stopping him and I instigated it)

Well, that is your decision to make. However it might end up with you in a body bag and your kids without a mother.

So really up to you. I don't think you have quite grasped how serious this is.

Helpmexyz Wed 24-Aug-16 08:00:39

I do believe it is affecting my children now. Their behaviour has deteriorated, they ask why we argue. They hear us I know that. What they hear is their mother being disrespected and abused. I do not want them growing up thinking it is acceptable.

This is what is so ridiculous. I can see it. But I can't break away. It's horrific.

Waddleandtoddle I know if I can get there, I can do that. I know a distraction of someone else to take my attention would be very useful. But how do I get there? And it's not right to use soneone else to drag me out of this is it? Or is that as ridiculous as everything else I'm saying? How do I not respond to his contact? How do I wean off? I've tried so many times over the years. I'm weak and useless.

This is a real chance. He's 200 miles away. I need to use that.

I have 2 friends that know quite a lot. They are supportive but obviously I'm keeping it secret I'm. Messaging him. I'm embarrassed. I also know what they'll say because I'd say the same. I need to admit to them what I've been doing don't I?

Helpmexyz Wed 24-Aug-16 08:02:54

Doreenlethal I don't think I have quite grasped it. I mean I tell myself how serious it is. But I don't think I'm accepting it. Iykwim

Helpmexyz Wed 24-Aug-16 08:05:10

If I admit all this in RL it makes it real. And I guess that's what I'm trying to pretend it isn't.

I'm so bloody sad about the relationship which I thought it was going to be years ago that I'm ignoring what it is

freerunner75 Wed 24-Aug-16 08:05:48

You are in a very good position given your circumstances in that you have all the tools and that support to grow away from this man... You just have to dig deep, be strong and stay away. It doesn't sound to me like you love or value yourself very much.., you need to do this and urgently! Have you tried counselling??

If you take him back or get back with him, things will get worse as he now knows that you had the strength to leave him in the first place, but the vulnerability to take him back again despite his behaviour. He WILL get worse... Please trust me. This then puts your children in the frame for any potential abuse also... Don't believe he is not capable because he will be given what you have said he had done to you.

Be smart please. Kids pick up on much more than you realise. I am currently dealing with two (now teenagers) from a similar relationship which I left ten years ago.. I thought I had managed to keep them away from it... Regretfully I didn't.

If social services are involved then it is only a matter of time for you I'm afraid where they deem that you are putting the children at risk.

Please... Please. Put you and your children first. Give yourself six months no contact with him to allow yourself to grow and 'detach'. Life is so much more then you are experiencing and you are in a great position with your house and already halfway there. Don't go backwards. Men like your OH are addictive because they have the charm factor..... But it doesn't change who they are and what they are capable of.

You have taken a few steps forward.., keep walking and don't look back. Visualise yourself and the children in six months or a years time without him in your life....

I know it is not easy from personal experience.. But you can do it.

Good luck X

Hissy Wed 24-Aug-16 08:09:31

YOU CAN BREAK AWAY, YOU CAN STOP CONTACT, you're choosing not to.

This stuff isn't easy, but what's the alternative? Kids in care? You dead? Them dead?

Just do it. Deep breath.

Stop undermining the criminal justice system there to protect you.

It's no doddle to get that protection. They don't do it for everyone. That's proof to you that the men like this are dangerous

I PROMISE you, getting these men out of our lives IS the best thing ever, and actually, once you've done it, you realise how stupid easy it actually is.

aLeafFalls Wed 24-Aug-16 08:14:38

I was married to a man like your husband/partner. I couldn't get any support to leave, although I really tried.

Eventually he left. Leaving behind him a very damaged me but much, much worse, my children have all been damaged too.

They would have appeared bright and cheerful too. It's a defence mechanism, to keep them safe from retribution from a man they're afraid of.

You need to get all the support you can and put your children first. Things have changed and help is there. MN is here but you also have social workers and others. Stop contacting him now. Just go cold turkey. It's all hard but do it for your children's sake, even if you can't yet do it for you.

Maybe instead of contacting him use that time to research abusive men. Read "why does he do that?"

I need to go to work so this post I'd rushed. But please, take all the help you can get to protect your children and get this man out of your head. You can do it and you really need to.

Penfold007 Wed 24-Aug-16 08:30:09

AF is spot on. You've breached his bail conditions, you are failing to keep your children safe, the violence and abuse has negatively impacted on them.
You need to take major steps to change this situation before SS intervene and/or your ExH take the children away from you

Helpmexyz Wed 24-Aug-16 08:32:01

Thank you for all the posts I appreciate them all.

LumpyMcBentface Wed 24-Aug-16 08:36:47

You need to find a good private counsellor and discover why you are so addicted to this violent, abusive cheat.

He could easily kill you. This is no life.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Wed 24-Aug-16 09:01:29

SS will only humour you for so long, I'm afraid. Child protection plans are no walk in the park - I know from painful personal experience.

The kind, compassionate, eminently sensible chairman at one of the CP conferences I had to attend was shocked that SS hadn't even investigated the DV I'd been subjected to in my hometown. They sent a letter after XP assaulted me and was arrested, saying they had no further concerns. It was after I moved away that the effects of the abuse on me and DS1 began to surface and I was abusing alcohol to the point where I was a neglectful parent, to my eternal shame. SS, quite rightly, swooped.

The chairman firmly believed that had SS intervened after that first documented assault, I wouldn't have been sitting in that room with him. He said DS1 and I had been badly let down. It doesn't change the fact that I was a shit mother who couldn't cope for a while, but it absolutely reinforces my belief that SS SHOULD intervene at the first opportunity in DV situations.

I know this is dreadful to go through. But unless you want a good year of your life being scrutinised and challenged on every aspect of your parenting, and the pure terror that comes with the possibility of losing your kids (I never did, I pulled my socks up and worked with SS in every way possible), I'd call Women's Aid and start formulating a plan to break free. Ask SS how you can be referred to a psychotherapist, to address the issues that have led you to stay with this man.

I'm actually grateful to SS for their intervention. They helped me become the much stronger person, and far better mother, I am now. I was lucky to work with some incredible social workers. But YOU are the one your DC look to to model healthy, respectful relationships. YOU are their mother and their greatest teacher. THEY are powerless over your decisions, so make the right one and release yourself from this toxic situation, before SS pile in and start issuing some ugly ultimatums and making your children's welfare THEIR decision.

Helpmexyz Wed 24-Aug-16 09:04:26

I have had a counselling referral and am going to phone them today.

AnyFucker Wed 24-Aug-16 12:43:34

Have you had counselling before?

DelicatePreciousThing1 Wed 24-Aug-16 12:50:58

Get out of it. It is toxic and potentially very dangerous.

thedogstinks Wed 24-Aug-16 12:51:46

You genuinely think he might kill you, yet you want to share your life with him, completely?

Have I got that right?

If that is the case, and you can't trust yourself to stay away from him, or him you, bail conditions or not, then you should relinquish your children to your ex husband until you can get your shit together.

Yes, it's that serious.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Wed 24-Aug-16 12:53:13

Honestly, counselling would be a brilliant constructive step to take here. I used to see a psychotherapist who worked at the alcohol advisory service I went to, and he helped me massively.

It can be a painful process, but please do pursue it.

adora1 Wed 24-Aug-16 14:12:12

If you honestly can't put your kids first here then I'd suggest you get in touch with SW and be honest about your situation, your kids are already damaged and have no choice in their environment.

Counselling and some professional SW intervention is better than your current situation.

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