Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Starting new after being assaulted ?

(11 Posts)
Cavogirl Wed 24-Aug-16 00:54:21

I'm looking for advice and hopefully some of your stories.
I have had such an awful few years, family bereavements , loss of income, serious health issues, seriously assaulted (man was imprisoned for 10 years ).
My ex and I split up a year ago because 'it had been hard for him' and said although he still loves me wanted to have sex with other people .
I was very traumatised.
I had 3 very dark months.
I've battled serious physical and mental issues .
After 6 months more I met a new man, thought would just be a couple of drinks but it morphed in to something bigger.

He is everything I ever wanted and I really like him, but I don't get those excited feelings. It's hard because I don't get them about ANYTHING.
Sometimes I feel very in love with him and then sometimes it all disappears.
I love talking to him and being with him, I am very attracted to him and sex is great - but I still feel quite numb.

I have been honest with him about this and he has been really understanding (makes me feel even more rubbish).

Has anyone else experienced this after a severe event / depression ?
Will I ever get happy again?
Am I wrong to go out with him?

AstrantiaMallow Wed 24-Aug-16 13:23:29

You have really been through a lot.
I haven't been through as much as you, but I've just divorced an emotionally/sexually abusive man and had some traumatic experiences and have PTSD.

I've been seeing someone for a year now, we're dating now but started off as friends. I really wasn't looking either. I did ask myself a lot if it was right of me to even be 'friends' as I knew he wanted more and I wasn't sure. The key I think for me is that things went super slow, and he never pushed. I still have to deal with my ex's behaviour on some level as ex and I have kids together. We have something going to court. There are times when I feel numb because what my ex is doing right now about contact is really shit. There have been occasions when I just don't feel like girlfriend material because my mind isn't in the right place. Somehow, my boyfriend knows to leave me to it when I'm like this. He's there but he doesn't try hard to make me feel better. He's more of a friend when I feel like this. He makes me feel that it's ok too. I also don't see him loads and actually need that alone time. Do you feel maybe he wants more than you do?

Having said that, I don't feel numb all the time. Have you had counselling to help you deal with what happened? Why are you asking if it's wrong for you to be with him? Is it because you don't feel sure that he's the right person because you fell into it as it were?

From my limited experience I would say counselling and remembering to look after yourself and that you are important too (I don't do enough of that myself!) might help you.

Cavogirl Wed 24-Aug-16 14:08:44

I had the extreme counselling for PTSD which was horrendous in itself.
I ask about if it's fair because sometimes I don't feel anything for him (or anyone) and although he says all the right things I don't know whether he would prefer more with someone more 'girlfriend material' as you say.
I don't like who I am now very much and it's also hard to accept that someone else does.

I can't imagine how hard it must be sharing kids !!!

Has it got better at all for you?

HuskyLover1 Wed 24-Aug-16 15:04:36

It sounds to me, as though you might be afraid to allow yourself to be happy, as you have endured such heartbreak. If you fully let this man in to your heart, what if he breaks it? But nothing ventured, nothing gained. It took me quite some time, to fully trust that my DH would not cheat on me, following my first marriage (1st H cheated throughout). Allow yourself to be open and happiness may follow.

Cavogirl Wed 24-Aug-16 15:07:22

Thanks Husky
I think you are probably right
It kind of feels like I 'switch off' at a certain point x

AstrantiaMallow Thu 25-Aug-16 14:11:42

I don't like who I am now very much maybe this is where the problem is? That you need to like yourself and accept he really likes you for who you are. Presumably as a grown man he wouldn't stick around if he didn't like you? You've really had a series of difficult or horrendous experiences and been let down so you need to allow yourself time. I can't remember who, but someone told me that my experiences do not make me less lovable or worthy of love than someone who hasn't had them. Maybe with time, and him being consistent and willing to communicate, you'll start to believe him more?

Do you think some counselling sessions (not addressing the trauma since you've already done that) but to generally to talk through how you feel now might help you?

Cavogirl Thu 25-Aug-16 15:08:09

Thanks, I think some sessions probably would .
I'm moving house next week and have put off quite a bit until after then ( long distance move )
I'm hoping to get it sorted in my new environment .
I also really think, on reflection, that I should have more time on my own. I do really like him but I think I'm emotionally not ready.
I think I'll wait until after the move and if I still feel the same way it's probably time to be on my own.

AstrantiaMallow Thu 25-Aug-16 18:00:58

good luck with the move. Are you going to be further from him now as well?

Cavogirl Thu 25-Aug-16 18:03:05

Nearer to new partner and my family .
So looking forward to a new start !

Cavogirl Thu 25-Aug-16 18:03:17

Oh and thanks !!

AstrantiaMallow Thu 25-Aug-16 19:29:05

Oh that's good. I hope it works out for you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now