Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Struggling to deal with my feelings! Help 😔

(51 Posts)
user1471988580 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:03:54

Hello! Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to talk to someone!
I have been with my partner 9 years, we have a 5 year old together. Basically things got a bit rocky a few months back. We started arguing and one night had an explosive one and he ended it and left. I stayed with our mutual friends and for some stupid reason ended up spending the night with one of our mutual male friends. Never have I looked at him in this way before, we hang with him all the time. It just happened I think because I was upset and he had stuff going on too.
We regretted it instantly and didn't talk for a week. My partner and I started talking and decided we were gonna try and work on things. I started speaking to our friend again and we decided it was a silly mistake and we weren't going to let it ruin our group, so we forgot it. But for some reason it brought us closer and we started to confide in each other, nothing wrong with that, yeah? We began talking everyday (still both not thinking a it's weird, we've been friends for so long) we were each other's comfort blankets!
I then started to get jealous of girls near him and realised I have feelings for him (stupid me, my own fault!)
So then one night we were out at a party and for some stupid reason, ended up in a threesome with me him and my partner (I won't go into details, it just sort of happened!) But I seriously don't know what to do! I love my partner but can't get the other guy out of my head! My heart races when we talk!
Don't really know what advice I'm looking for as I know I am a stupid person and it's all my own fault, I just feel so alone! My partner is 27 and works night 10pm -7am. And sleeps most of the day so I don't get to see him much as I work part time during the day too.
My whole head is messed up! How could I let it get this far? Do I tell my partner and deal with the outcome? I'm so annoyed at myself!
😩😩😩

pasic Tue 23-Aug-16 23:13:11

What's the problem? Your partner doesn't seem to mind sharing you.

user1471988580 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:19:59

It's not like that. It just sort of happened one drunken night 😔 Ashamfully because I think me and him wanted to be close again without cheating as I am not a cheater :/ I 100% regret it! I just don't know how to handle it all now!:/

MiddleClassProblem Tue 23-Aug-16 23:23:11

Have you and dp talked about the threesome since?

user1471988580 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:24:11

Sorry could you explain dp to me? Thanks x

MrsMargeSimpson Tue 23-Aug-16 23:24:41

You're not a cheater? Despite that time you've cheated? Right.

user1471988580 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:26:56

I have never cheated. He left and he broke things off. We got back together a week later.

pasic Tue 23-Aug-16 23:27:03

So it's only cheating if your partner's not watching?

MiddleClassProblem Tue 23-Aug-16 23:27:24

DP is dear/darling partner.

You might find this a useful page to keep open when on MN x

mumsnet acronyms

user1471988580 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:30:50

Thank you MiddleClassProblems
Yes we've spoke about it. He doesn't regret that it happened as he said it was an experience, one that he's always wanted to try (a first for us both) we haven't really spoke about it since as we've felt no need to be honest

Somerville Tue 23-Aug-16 23:34:11

So both men are bisexual?

I've only ever really heard of M-F-F experimental threesomes for a straight couple before.

Regardless of the threesome, you were cheating - it's called an emotional affair.

You need to end your relationship and be single for a while.

pasic Tue 23-Aug-16 23:35:41

Does the new man want to be with you?

RockyBird Tue 23-Aug-16 23:40:29

Somerville MMFs happen too, without the need for labels.

OP hope you can sort it out.

user1471988580 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:44:40

We haven't spoke about it. We only speak about random stuff, not about each other as I feel that wouldn't be right. We haven't spoke about sleeping together since getting back with my partner and we haven't once mentioned the threesome

Somerville Tue 23-Aug-16 23:48:17

I stand corrected. Totally not my area of expertise. Thank God

Whatever sex the participants are, though, I don't think threesomes are something that 'just happen' without prior discussion and ground rules in healthy relationships so between that, the on/off nature of the relationship, rebound with someone else and emotional affair, everyone sounds like they need time on their own to grow up a bit and concentrate on parenting.

user1471988580 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:50:50

It has absolutely nothing to do with concentrating on parenting. At all.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 23-Aug-16 23:58:41

Did they interact during the threesome or were they both concerntrating in you and avoiding each other?

(Somerville both the options can happen irl)

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 00:00:55

Listen, if you want to sleep with a few different men at the same time or on consecutive evenings or anything like that - it's absolutely fine. Do it - safely - and have fun. As long as you are single, or the person you're in a relationship with knows and is fine about it.

But continuing the relationship will end up with your fella finding out through your mutual friends and it blowing up in your face, and honestly, that will affect how well the two of you can concentrate together on co-parenting your child.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 24-Aug-16 00:02:10

I don't think OP is considering an affair

user1471988580 Wed 24-Aug-16 00:11:24

Definitely not going to have an affair. Like I said the time we slept together my partner had broken things of. Me and the don't talk romantically to each or say/do inappropriate things to each other. Just talk like friends do. I would never have an affair at all as I do love my partner. It's just these feelings that I can't shake off putting me down as I shouldn't feel the way I do sad

Somerville Wed 24-Aug-16 00:18:19

Sorry, but I think you had something called an emotional affair.

Because of this:

"But for some reason it brought us closer and we started to confide in each other, nothing wrong with that, yeah? We began talking everyday (still both not thinking a it's weird, we've been friends for so long) we were each other's comfort blankets! I then started to get jealous of girls near him and realised I have feelings for him."

Google 'emotional affair' and you'll understand why I think that.

pasic Wed 24-Aug-16 00:18:56

What is it that you want to confess to? Acting like a single woman when your partner ended things or having feelings for someone else?

If you aren't going to have an affair why give yourself a problem?

WannaBe Wed 24-Aug-16 00:24:54

So, you shagged some bloke the night your partner walked out, carried on confiding in each other and then all just happened to have a threesome one night on a wim? all I can say is.....

I've obviously led a bloody sheltered life. grin

RockyBird Wed 24-Aug-16 01:13:57

Somerville I don't think threesomes are something that 'just happen'

As you said yourself, not your area of expertise.

glitterwhip Wed 24-Aug-16 01:21:46

I don't think you do love your partner if you so quickly ended up in bed with someone else and as other posters have said carried on an emotional affair
I'd also have to question if your partner actually loves you as he's so happy to share with friends
That's just my personal opinion of course..I don't really understand the concept of threesomes while in apparently committed monogamous relationships ..sure if all participants are single then that's different

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now