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Bit of an AIBU over ex

(13 Posts)
lifeisjustadream Tue 23-Aug-16 22:17:27

Been with BF for just under a year.

Things have been rocky for 85% of the relationship. He's an incredibly insecure person and I've been accused of everything under the sun since we've been together. We put that past us, he got counselling and he got A LOT better.

He has an ex who he was with for 2 years. The relationship ended around 5/6 years ago. Right before we got together, he asked her to go for a drink with him. His reason back then was so he could get closure basically. After that, while we were together, they texted each other a few times. Both of them initiating the convo. As she popped up semi-frequently I got a bit miffed and said Look, not really comfortable with it. Would you mind not getting in touch with her again for a while?

He then sent me screenshots showing me their "innocent" convo. All looked OK.

Fast forward to a few days ago, she pops up again. He asked me if he should reply or not. I said you know how I feel, given you only caught up with her a few months ago why the need again now? They also have each other on social media.

I said I think it might be a good idea just to get back to her saying Listen, we're both with different people now so maybe it's not appropriate to be in contact for now. Take care.

He said he didn't want to do that.

Today he pulled out his phone in front of me and gets me to read the messages to her so I can see for myself that nothing's going on. Except that he must have forgotten that he'd sent her a message asking if she fancies meeting up with him.

I'm quite angry at the secrecy, because when he sent me the screenshots previously, he had purposely cut off his message asking to meet up.

Red flag or am I being precious? Please be gentle. Feeling a bit sad

Dozer Tue 23-Aug-16 22:19:28

It all sounds much too angst ridden and hard work for such a new relationship: what's the point?

RandomMess Tue 23-Aug-16 22:20:43

Less than a year together

85% rocky

Lying about stuff

Why are you bothering? But your losses and RUN!

Dozer Tue 23-Aug-16 22:20:47

Oh and he has red flags for being controlling: why did you stay with someone accusing you of all sorts?

Missgraeme Tue 23-Aug-16 22:20:50

Unless they have a child together there really is no reason he should be winding you up by keeping in touch with her and lying about it when he is on social media out in the open if she is just a friend. Big huge flappy red flags. If he needs her to keep his ego stroked he needs dumping.

April241 Tue 23-Aug-16 22:22:18

If things have been rocky 85% of the time and this is a recurring issue then I'd be walking away I think, too much hassle going on there.

glitterwhip Tue 23-Aug-16 22:23:38

Agree with dozer it does sound like hard work
And also it doesn't seem like he's really over the previous relationship..I can understand your concern about his reluctance to stop contacting her so frequently unless there's children involved I don't see the point.
You've told him how you feel and the ball was in his court and he refused to put your feelings ahead of hers ..that would be a big no no for me

magoria Tue 23-Aug-16 22:26:17

People treat us how they think and behave.

A liar thinks everyone lies.
A thief expects everyone to steal.
A cheat thinks everyone will cheat.

He is insecure and accuses you of all sorts because guess what... he is keeping secrets from you, contacting exes and asking them to meet up.

85% crap and hiding things from you.

Life is too short. Don't waste another year.

CafeCremeMerci Tue 23-Aug-16 22:29:07

One year
85% crap

You need more than that to ditch him?


Bloopbleep Tue 23-Aug-16 22:30:38

I am still in touch with my ex - he's still my friend. I'd be pissed off if my oh said I had a timetable to which I had to stick to contacting him within. My oh trusts that nothing will ever happen (ugh just no) and sometimes he comes along too when we meet up and they get on quite well.

If he's being open then the problem lies with you and your insecurity. Not showing you every message isn't a sign of lying or cheating. To be perfectly honest it's none of your business. If this is how you feel within a year, imagine how much worse it'll get when you've invested more time and emotion in the relationship.

TheNaze73 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:44:40

Why do you choose to be in an 85% rocky relationship?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 24-Aug-16 00:01:05

Counselling in a relationship less than a year old? Oh dear. That's a whole field of red flags. Pretty unusual too.

Whose idea was the counselling? You say it has worked? How long ago was the counselling and how long did it last?

He believed you will cheat on him given the opportunity because he would cheat on you.

MiddleClassProblem Wed 24-Aug-16 00:07:35

You both sound insecure, if it started off like this then where do you go?

He could genuinely be friends with his ex, you say he's jealous and accusatory of you and you seem similar tbh, just lesser. And that will probably grow rather than trust in each other.

End it, sorry, hun x

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