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Is it possible to go nc with stepmum & still see Dad?

(17 Posts)
Indiaplain Tue 23-Aug-16 19:51:39

OK, so my dh's stepmum has always been an extremely difficult woman. She is very jealous of dfil's relationship with dh and his sister.
She has recently made it even harder for us to all spend time together, and essentially is so rude and difficult to dh and I we just can't see how we can carry on with her in this our lives. We recently got married and although she came she blanked us all evening. We always try to include her- inviting her and dfil to dcs birthdays etc but she sucks all the joy out of any occasion.

Upshot is we want to stop seeing her. Seeing her makes us tense and is always unpleasant. Dh is understandably worried about his relationship with his dad. Has anyone successfully negotiated a step mum free relationship with their dads?
He is pretty much under the thumb but loves dh and our DC.

springydaffs Tue 23-Aug-16 22:52:14

I'm not sure how you're going to be able to pull it off tbh.

eg what is your fil actually doing about her awful behaviour? Does he notice?

I can't see he'll go along with it sad

StripeyMonkey1 Tue 23-Aug-16 23:00:26

I wonder whether there is a way for your DH to sidestep her. Could he maybe just meet up with his dad without you or his stepmum there sometimes? If you could then manage to tolerate the very occasional day or few hours with her too, then there need be no family rupture.

I don't think you can reasonably tell him that his wife is unwelcome. Can you imagine how your DH would feel if he said the same to his DH about you? Even if she is unreasonable, it puts him in an impossible position.

queenoftheladybirds Tue 23-Aug-16 23:02:02

Watching with interest... Wd like to do the same!

selfishcrab Tue 23-Aug-16 23:03:45

Not for me, I'm NC with them and my half brother (hers and his) because of it.

SandyY2K Tue 23-Aug-16 23:06:11

Depends on your FIL really and if he is aware of her behaviour. If he is then you can invite only him over to your house and just not visit them or go when she's not in, but that means FIL has to be on board.

winewolfhowls Tue 23-Aug-16 23:58:36

Your dh and fil need to start a hobby together. Would that be possible, something that neither you nor her would be interested in?

KittyKrap Wed 24-Aug-16 00:28:02

Yes, DH did. He lost contact with his DF years ago, due to the stepmum and her awful adult children - long story. Last year he got back in touch with DF, he's 73 and now comes over once a fortnight for a drink. It's lovely watching them together. Stepmum isn't interested even though we pretend that it's such a we have zero contact with her. DF/FiL is standing up to her over these visits and our Christmas/birthday presents.

The weirdest thing is that once MiL (DHs mum) found out about these visits she glammed up and popped over a few times!

Disappointednomore Wed 24-Aug-16 00:46:34

Ive gone nc with my dad and still see dear step mum

Isetan Wed 24-Aug-16 08:16:32

Is her unpleasantness and rudeness limited to her ignoring you or is there more to her behaviour? Not everyone's a social butterfly and maybe she's being pressured by FIL to attend events where she feels uncomfortable.

The question is wether FIL will see you without his wife because ultimately you don't have a step mum problem, you have a FIL problem.

It's time to have a grown up conversations with FIL.

Tigresswoods Wed 24-Aug-16 08:17:22

We have this issue. Watching with interest!

Gowgirl Wed 24-Aug-16 08:19:14

Probally not haven't seen my dad in years after a god awful row with his toxic wife.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 24-Aug-16 08:25:41

The problem you have here is that your DH's dad chose this woman over his now adult children and continues to do so. You wrote it yourself; he is pretty much under the thumb. Such weak men like his dad as well often need someone to idolise and have someone to look after them. He gets what he wants out of that relationship.

I doubt very much he will agree at all to you seeing him without her also being present (out of self preservation and want of a quiet life); also she probably never lets this man out of her sight.

Tinklypoo Wed 24-Aug-16 08:25:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShebaShimmyShake Wed 24-Aug-16 08:50:31

There's a difference between no contact and refusing to speak to someone to punish them.

Ultimately the point of NC is to make your life easier and drama-free. If it's going to add complexity and drama, it's probably easier to keep contact to a bare minimum. Abuse is another kettle of fish, of course.

Indiaplain Wed 24-Aug-16 22:53:27

Thanks for the replies. I agree with whoever suggested a happy for dh and dfil. They used to go out taking photos together and the cinema. The problem always being that dfil could only ever do this when step mum was busy herself, if that makes sense.
She has always tried to distance us from dfil,but subtlety. However when we got married she threw a huge strop over the way we wanted to do things (small/ non traditional ) and accused us of being insensitive for expecting them to come as dhs mum would be there (obviously). Anyway this blew up to the point where she refused to congratulate us etc.

There's loads more back story, as always..

AyeAmarok Wed 24-Aug-16 22:58:13

I think the only way you can work it is for DH to invite his father to things SMIL wouldn't do (hillwalking? Fishing?), so his dad doesn't think anything of it at first.

Otherwise, you might find she throws a tantrum and forces FIL to choose, plays the victim and then FIL chooses her.

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