Wife having an affair I'm I wasting my time?

[user1471853539]

Hi firstly I am male looking for a female point of view.
My wife has had an affair with another woman but says she doesn't want to have a relationship with her, but also is not certain if she wants to stay with me.
There's no way I don't want to be the main carer if we had a divorce and I think I have a good case, as does my wife.
I don't believe that if she left she would not continue the relationship and the other women has shown violent tendencies especially drunk which is often. In fact she has been aggressive towards me and my wife. I have never hit my wife and would never.
I have said I'm prepared to do anything to keep our family together.
Am I wasting my time, or do I have a chance?

[Melmelmel687]

Your wasting your time. Your wife may not want to be with anyone long term but she certainly doesnt care for you or your family unit as shes willing to sleep with other people. She knows you will stay and do anything for her even forgiving her for this so there will be others. Value yourself more and find a woman who can treat you well not like a door mat

[user1471853539]

There are other factors at the moment due to bereavement and I think the other women took advantage.
I do still love her despite this.

[ravenmum]

You're prepared to do anything, but you can't make things OK on your own. Your wife has to be committed to saving the marriage too, not dithering about saying she doesn't know if she wants to be with you or not. (And it is not just up to her if she gets to stay with you!)

Alas, you can't stop her from continuing the relationship whether she leaves or not. If that put your children at risk you'd have to sort that out the complicated legal way.

[user1471853539]

The other women said she believes the children should come first (there's 5 kids in total), if I wasn't so upset I could have laughed

[annandale]

The positive here is that you know what you want - you love your wife but your children come first. I'm not an expert but I would keep a record of any information you have or things you see about this woman's violence. I don't know the legal system but I would pay for some family law advice so you know what your options are. Keep your boundaries and your self-respect.

[user1471853539]

Thanks I know it will take us both to work on it. She has agreed to cease contact, but she agreed that before when concerned first arose

[Melmelmel687]

Your making excuses for her like a loss in the family, people go through this everyday but dont cheat. How can you trust she wont contact her again? Or find someone worse to bring home? She wasnt concerned for the kids when getting naked with this OW. Look after yourself and children all that matters or allow her to mess you around forever and a day making excuses

[user1471853539]

Thanks Mel and get your point of view, and perhaps I'm being stupid, but i believe the best for our family is to be together, obviously I will need to know my wife is 100% committed. I was hoping for more positive answers.
If I do decide that I don't think she committed, where do I stand, short term. I would be able to change work hours to do school runs etc and she knows that cooking and washing isn't an issue (I quite often have had to do both recently)
I can't force her to leave can I.

[Melmelmel687]

I know its hard and you wanted to hear good things but your a strong man with good family values. You will get through this no matter what happens next and the children will be just fine as they will always have you to rely on just dont forget that.

[MatrixReloaded]

People can and do recover from affairs. Unfortunately in your case your wife is having an affair with a woman which suggests she has not been truthful about her sexuality. Her sexuality will not and cannot change. If she's attracted to women she just is and always will be.

The other issue is her poor boundrys. Her choice of affair partner is extremely worrying and I can imagine the distress this is causing you. Considering the sexuality issue I would start divorce proceedings.

[Trifleorbust]

Problem is she isn't committed. It sounds like you are the one prepared to make the compromises here, and actually you are the injured party. You need to harness a bit more indignation about the choices she has made and the effect on your family.

[SandyY2K]

You have to be prepared to loose your marriage to save it. If your wife in her mind knows you don't want a split come what may, she'll take advantage of that.

Does your wife work?
Does anyone else know about the affair?
Has your wife always been bisexual?

When someone has a same sex affair, you have to try and see if they really are gay and tried to force themselves to be straight to have a family or because they were repressing their true selves.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so one of the best ways to quench them is by exposing them. Shine some light on it, by telling the people who matter to your wife. That may include her parents, her siblings etc

It's not quite as fun when the sneaking around and secret rendezvous come to light.

[Cary2012]

Sandy's absolutely right.

Affairs lose their appeal when the sneaking off to hotels and fun stops. When they have to face the harsh reality of their actions, so tell people. It's the truth a fact. Your wife needs to 'own' this. You need support. Not pity, support.

If she wants this to work, she has to do everything she can, and then some. She needs to answer all your questions, over and over again. She has to agree to counselling if you want it. She needs to show you that she wants this as much as you. It has to be both of you, on the same page, working hard.
Good luck, you sound a lovely man and a great dad.

[user1471853539]

Thank you all for the advice.
It so hard to know what to do.
The best thing to happen is for us to stay together in a loving relationship. The worst is a painful and bitter divorce.
I know I have to give her time, she is seeking help to address her issues (she has a lot) and then make a decision when she is thinking more clearly.
I think this is the only way I can have a chance of saving our family.
I hate the thought of not having to children around me all the time.

[user1471853539]

Just read more, I can't divorce on ground of adultery, only unreasonable behaviour.
The fact I've put family first does not have any bearing on the settlement either financially or regarding the children.
This seems so unfair, I have six months to be able to use the grounds too.
What the hell do I actually do?

[ravenmum]

It is not fair, no, when your partner cheats on you and then you get the double whammy of having to be away from your children / having to be a single parent.

Don't just look at the worse and best case scenarios. Life is never perfect, we always have to make some compromises, and some of the inbetween scenarios might actually turn out better than you think.

Personally I wouldn't see staying together in a loving relationship as the best case scenario. I'd see it as a toss-up between staying together in a very difficult relationship which might become loving over time, and splitting up reasonably amicably and both developing happy relationships with people the kids get on with. Personally I'd prefer the second, but then I didn't try out the first.

[Trifleorbust]

I don't think you can force her to leave, no, OP, but she might leave of her own accord and you could certainly tell her that this is your wish.

It sounds like you are very keen to try to make this work, but your expectations of what might happen from here don't sound that realistic. You want a loving relationship, but you can't have that without your wife on board. If she is still involved in a relationship with someone else, she clearly isn't committed to making this happen.

Who is currently the main carer for the children?

[MatrixReloaded]

Op you can download divorce papers from the internet for a pittance. I would do that. Nothing will progress until you want it to and you can stop things at any point. Either she will come to her senses or the divorce will complete.

[user1471853539]

We are still living together and the affair has stopped, but I know they are still in contact.
We both work full time, but both can be flexible to meet any child needs.
Things like school plays etc we would normally both goto

[MatrixReloaded]

If they are in contact it hasn't stopped.

[SandyY2K]

If they are in contact it hasn't stopped.

^^^ Well said.

Why do you believe it's stopped? Because she told you? You trust a cheater to be honest

I'd start printing out divorce papers. Get numbers for divorce lawyers and leave them discreet but visible to her.

Even if you don't divorce in 6 months, she knows or she will know it's due to her infidelity.

Affairs between women can be very intense and If you aren't the right gender for her, you'll just be flogging a dead horse.

I'll try and dig out a link to something about same sex affairs and PM you.

[user1471853539]

OK I'm getting the point.
I'm worried that a divorce will be messy, we will both want the children. I don't want the children in touch with ow but I can't prove that she is a danger to them.

[MatrixReloaded]

It's actually unlikely that they will end up in a relationship. Not impossible, but unlikely. What usually happens is the affair loses its appeal once there's real life consequences. Affair partners are good for sex and drama. They're often not long term relationship material.

[ravenmum]

I wouldn't count on the affair not lasting. In this case maybe, if she actually says she doesn't want a relationship. (Though she's been very sparing with the truth so far, right?) But of the affairs I've heard about several have lasted. My ex is still with his OW. We had a thread on the subject once and it didn't sound like it was rare for them to last.

[ravenmum]

No, you can't prevent your wife from letting the children have contact with people that seem nasty without proof of their behaviour, as she has the same rights as you, as a parent, to choose who they meet. Not a lot you can do there apart from a bit of detective work into the OW's background - though if she has access to her own children she must have a clean record - and recording every bruise or story the children bring back . Unproven accusations will just make it harder for you to argue your case or influence your wife using reason.