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soon to be second wife, second best?

(52 Posts)
Ithurtssomuch Tue 23-Aug-16 06:11:34

Im due to get married very soon, have been engaged for 2 years. Its both our second marriages. Oh no children from his first,he was young, she cheated and left him after 7 years of marriage. Mine, 1 child from first marriage, he cheated and left me.
However now weve decided to actually tie the knot, im left feeling it being his second marriage is making me second best or inferior. The number of times ive heard "its different second time around....... " "you dont want anything big as youve done it before" "no gift list as its different second time around...."
it leaves you with some sort of inferiority complex that some how people dont see it as important this time...... i think the problem is everyone loved his ex wife..... they had been together "forever" first love etc..... and some how i dont match up even though she left by cheating and he never had children with her and weve had a child together.....
am i being daft? What do i do? Do i walk down the aisle feeling im in someones shadow?

AnguaResurgam Tue 23-Aug-16 06:15:33

Might it help if you separate out marriage from the wedding?

"you dont want anything big as youve done it before" "no gift list as its different second time around...." both refer to the wedding, which can be quite an event, np but is essentially froth.

That it'll be different this time - in terms of the marriage - is a good thing, isn't it.

Have you considered eloping?

JacquettaWoodville Tue 23-Aug-16 06:21:30

Do you think your soon to be DH is second husband, second best?

Doubt it!

Ignore people. It's only your household that matters on this one.

Sooverthis Tue 23-Aug-16 06:27:50

I'm a second wife, my dh refers to me as the best wife.

Mumblechum0 Tue 23-Aug-16 06:31:06

I'm married to my 2nd husband and we actively didn't want a big wedding, not because he was 2nd best, but because having done the full white wedding shenanigans once, I wasn't interested in doing it agsin.
So we just hot 2 close friends as witnesses and had a nice lunch, then flew off to Paris.
Told our parents after the event.
So for me personally, the 2nd wedding was actuslly much more enjoyable because it was very relaxed and wasn't about pleasing other people.
Red dress, red roses, no gifts, but 25 happy years later i wouldn't change a thing.
So maybe the full frothy wedding really isn't important 2nd time around?

Mumblechum0 Tue 23-Aug-16 06:32:08

Sorry for typos, on phone.

Trifleorbust Tue 23-Aug-16 06:48:57

How honest have you been about this with your fiancée? And how far do you agree with him? So, for example, you might feel a giant white dress is OTT but a gift list is perfectly fine (most people will still want to buy a gift for a second wedding - if they don't because it's a second wedding, that's a bit weird imo). Or, you might think, fuck it, I do actually want a big wedding.

MaMattoo Tue 23-Aug-16 06:55:46

Do as you please - want a Big Bang wedding - do it, just delete the whiners and critics from the list - there are advantages to the 'second time' celebrate a new beginning with people who wis you well, that would take care of the wedding bit.
Marriage - a ground rule of never mentioning the past, no matter how tempting-never use it to hit below the belt. Delete it from conversations and references as far as possible.
Those who say it's different second time around etc should be ignored (how do they know? And how can they compare everyone's experiences into one huge statement?) and more importantly - what's the point of saying it? Really??
Ignore!!! Smile, be happy and step away from the negativity.

MeMySonandl Tue 23-Aug-16 07:00:30

What would you like your define yo be? What would he like?

Personally, after the stupid stresses and excesses of the big wedding I had, the last thing I would like to do is to repeat it. If my other half and I ever tie the knot again, I would prefer it to keep it as low key and clandestine to be able to focus on the actual sense of the ceremony rather than trying to please so many people.

It is not thhat second marriages are lesser, if anything you should see it as a proof of how good you are: Being asked to marry for a second time by a guy who may have been totally against the idea of ever doing it again after the previous didn't end we seems to me like a very good thing and something that shows that life goes on and it can actually become better smile

MeMySonandl Tue 23-Aug-16 07:01:03

Define= wedding (in the world of my autocorrect)

Anniegetyourgun Tue 23-Aug-16 07:05:34

Tell them the first one was just practising. This is the main event. Given that you are both now more experienced in life and (hopefully) more mature, it's likely to be true. Second marriages are only second best if you didn't learn anything first time round, which, to be fair, some don't.

Ithurtssomuch Tue 23-Aug-16 07:10:11

Id not thought about seperating it out. Dont think i can think straight at the moment.
I definitely dont think of him as being second best, my exh was useless,and uncaring. My oh is such a lovely man, very caring, treats my ds as his own, states only wanted a ds as its with me. Ive opened up to him and told him and he thinks im being daft. He explains were having something small as thats what we both wanted and we planned it together. He states the first time he wasnt involved in the planning andbasically had to fund it with no involvement and now feels he should never have married her.
Should i say anything to MIL? Whos the one doing the comparing all the time......

Trifleorbust Tue 23-Aug-16 07:12:26

Is the issue that your MIL is making comparisons (which I agree is rude) or that your husband-to-be, however lovely, isn't listening to you?

JacquettaWoodville Tue 23-Aug-16 07:13:12

He could say something to MIL. But it's better if you feel truly at ease with the decision and don't let the comparisons affect you.

Ithurtssomuch Tue 23-Aug-16 07:17:12

I think he listens but theres not much he can do to fix it. He cant go back and rewind time and he just states the past is the past.... hes very good at putting somethingin a box and shelving it and it doesnt affect him. I on the other hand dontfind it as easy. He likes to be able to "fix" things hes very practicle.
last night i was contemplating asking her if shes happy we are getting married....i think id rather know the truth rather than feels shes putting up and shutting up about it.

Trifleorbust Tue 23-Aug-16 07:21:31

What are you suggesting he is putting in a box?

And I wouldn't ask her - she has no say, so if she doesn't like you, it's her problem.

peanutnutter Tue 23-Aug-16 07:21:59

If it helps I was wife no 3. I had never been married. Dhs family were very much "oh not again". My friends were concerned for me but here we are still together 26 years later. Ignore the negativity, get married in the way you both want to and enjoy your lives together. X

NameChangeForAChange Tue 23-Aug-16 07:29:55

Dh and I are both on second marriages. Tbh the fact that it's not like first time is a good thing for both of us. We didn't have a huge wedding and did think about doing it quietly but decided it was a good excuse to get a lot of people together we don't see very often.
His ex wife broke his heart at the time but I don't feel second best at all and thankfully nobody has made me feel that way. And I came with 3 dc and him none.
Don't let what anyone says get to you. It's what you and him feel that is important and if you want a big event then do it if don't then don't. They can believe you are second best of you let them. Why does it bother you so much them saying these things?

LineyReborn Tue 23-Aug-16 07:35:00

OP, so who is actually saying this stuff?:

The number of times ive heard "its different second time around....... " "you dont want anything big as youve done it before" "no gift list as its different second time around...."

Your MIL? Your DP?

Goingtobeawesome Tue 23-Aug-16 07:36:24

You are being silly. Do you see your husband to be as second best because he's your second husband? Some people might see second marriages as less exciting but that's only in the same way that some people see second babies as less exciting. Their issue.

Ithurtssomuch Tue 23-Aug-16 07:36:27

Trifleorbust - the past i suppose, kind of that was then this is now....

I suppose it bothers me so much because i want acceptence, i want to be his other half not his "new" other half, god ive got 12 years before ill loose the "new" title.... i just want to be me.... to be us..... no comparisons.... after all she cheated and i would never do that so really why is she still on a pedastal just because she was around for so long before doing the dirty on him...... im actually contemplating sacrificing my own posible happiness to not be stood in someones shadow

daisychain01 Tue 23-Aug-16 07:38:16

Please don't ask your MIL what she thinks! Don't open yourself up to potential hurt / abuse from her or allow her to taint your feelings towards your DH who sounds like a lovely person from your description. What she thinks or feels does not matter so why give her opinion any head space?

Sorry to say this but you are over-analysing the whole thing and are in danger of sabotaging your relationship. Please stop! Enjoy, value and cherish your relationship rather than put every possible negative scenario in the way.

My DH is my second time around, as I was widowed. DH could potentially feel he "can't possibly measure up" to my late DH who I lost after 3 years of marriage. But does he? No he's so happy we found each other, he certainly couldn't care less what anyone else thinks (not that they think anything!)

Everyone who knows me is happy I have been able to find new happiness. No hint of "this time around can't be as good as your first DH".

Ithurtssomuch Tue 23-Aug-16 07:38:36

Lineyreborn - its the mil saying it. Dp thinks im being silly about it and states he doesnt see it that way at all. He states he cant change the past but loves me and wants to celebrate us.

i definitely see my oh as the best man on the planet. But i wish all this would go away.

LadyB49 Tue 23-Aug-16 07:40:08

Dh and I are second time around.
It is very different and I'm very glad that it is.

Ithurtssomuch Tue 23-Aug-16 07:40:34

Thankyou, i do think i need to care less about what other people think / do / say.

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