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4 am text - innocent?

(13 Posts)
Rhootintootinboo Tue 23-Aug-16 00:10:56

First up I have to openly state I checked his texts. He closes things down quickly on the computer if he hears me coming which always makes me wonder so I checked on Friday. We have a chequered history for this. He has read my emails and messages in the past and got very angry if he thought i had communicated with men. Even long standing friends came under his suspicion. Anyway, there is an email exchange on the shared computer. Nothing I would ever have been overly bothered about if I didn't have this massive resentment for the years of invading my privacy and accusing me of cheating (when i absolutely have not, not in word nor deed). So I don't know if it's my anger making more out of it or if something is amiss. It's clearly someone he knows from the past (not sure how but not met up for many years) and they're arranging to meet for coffee. These emails start from a point where it's obvious previous conversations have taken place but been deleted or conducted by some other medium not text. She is quite flirty and ends with kisses (that's not a bother, some people do) and he is relatively matter of fact. So far so mundane. BUT he has kept this a secret and last night after we'd been away for the weekend he replied to her text from the previous day at 4am. All texts are deleted off his phone (I checked this evening), but he's not that tech savvy so don't think he realises they are on the computer. I am really pissed off that after the stuff he put me through with his constant snooping and allegations he would do this. Is there a chance this is innocent? Ps partner not husband but live together.

Lilacpink40 Tue 23-Aug-16 00:13:20

You don't trust each other. This sounds like a miserable non-relationship.

Does anything about it make you happy?

Bellyrub1980 Tue 23-Aug-16 00:14:17

The fact that he is deleting the texts.... That in itself suggests he feels the need to hide them.

Rhootintootinboo Tue 23-Aug-16 00:34:43

He can be very funny and caring. But I would have left (and tried to end it) when he was making my life utterly miserable. He was losing his job and pulled at my heart strings with his emotional pleas. Now, 2 years down the line with a shared mortgage, newly ensconced (and already slightly fragile) dsc who I have a good relationship with its all so much harder to bite the bullet. I veer between hoping he is up to something so I can end it cleanly and being upset that he would consider cheating after I stuck with him when many wouldn't have.

Bogeyface Tue 23-Aug-16 00:37:47


He has always accused you of cheating because he is judging you by his own standards.

FetchezLaVache Tue 23-Aug-16 00:39:17

You don't need the pretext of his infidelity to end it if you want to. The situation sounds difficult, but not impossible, to get out of, but it also sounds utterly draining. flowers

BlueFolly Tue 23-Aug-16 00:44:17

Yes, he's been accusing you, cos he's been doing it himself.

Puddington Tue 23-Aug-16 00:48:27

I don't know if he's definitely cheating but he's absolutely a hypocrite if he goes off at you for talking to men when he's been hiding email correspondence with a woman for months! And as someone else said, cheaters do sometimes accuse their partner of cheating or become excessively paranoid as a reflection of what they're doing themselves.

Either way, and given the added context of your second post, you sound desperately unhappy sad I know it can be difficult to disentangle two lives when they have become enmeshed but you truly don't need any evidence of cheating, or anything at all, if you want to leave him. You can just do it.

Rhootintootinboo Tue 23-Aug-16 00:54:09

Thank you Fetch. I do feel drained. Hobbies by the wayside, worrying about saying something that will aggravate him. He can be very rigid in his behaviour and expects "as a couple" we do most things together. I would prefer more flexibility and autonomy when deciding how to spend my time but he gets very anxious about me not putting him and his child as my priority when making decisions.

MotherOfROC Tue 23-Aug-16 00:58:52

Sorry this seems like projection to me a major red flag to do some more digging

Rhootintootinboo Tue 23-Aug-16 01:00:16

Thank you all for your responses. And Puddington I know you're right, I don't need evidence. But it may help ease my feelings of guilt just a little.

Resilience16 Wed 24-Aug-16 20:03:59

Go with your gut feeling, it is usually right

ThePinkOcelot Wed 24-Aug-16 22:46:39

Evil thinkers are evil doers, as my mum would say.

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