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Boyfriend suddenly ended it this evening

(222 Posts)
GemmaRalph Mon 22-Aug-16 22:26:03

My boyfriend came home from work today and told me it wasn't working anymore.

His only explanation is that there is something missing and he's not ready.

We have been together 3 years, 2.5 of those living together and we are supposed to be exchanging on a flat purchase this week.

I'm so confused and hurt. He's said that he doesn't know what he wants and still wants to be part of my life but he's having doubts and thinks it's better to do this now rather than in 3 years time.

I obviously agree to his point but I don't understand what has happened here.

He mentioned that he's not sure if it's me or if is this is just the way he is and he'll regret it.

I feel lost, hurt, confused and don't know what to do. We've gone to bed tonight in separate rooms.

Any help or advice appreciated.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 22-Aug-16 22:29:19

Oh dear, well it sounds to me like the commitment of buying a flat has made him realise he doesn't know if he wants something so permanent with you.

I'm sorry, you must be gutted, have you been totally happy together recently?

GemmaRalph Mon 22-Aug-16 22:32:35

Aside from normal house stress things have been fine. We've been looking for the right place for about 7 months and had 3 other properties fall through.

He's said that all of my friends are having children and getting married but I've made it clear that I'm not in a rush. We're both 27.

I'm heartbroken and feel like I've lost my best friend.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 22-Aug-16 22:38:28

Let him go. Don't beg him to stay or try again. Keep as much dignity as possible. You'll thank yourself later. Eat, sleep, go easy on the wine

RaeSkywalker Mon 22-Aug-16 22:41:55

sad poor you. Do you have a good support network locally? If so, now's the time to lean on it. You need to talk to him as well I think, to confirm that he actually wants to back out of the purchase and split up. Maybe do this tomorrow if you're feeling up to it, and then start to make plans for yourself.

I agree with a pp, it sounds like the commitment has scared him.

Queenbean Mon 22-Aug-16 22:46:23

This is exact thing happened to me just a few weeks ago, except it was a bit more mutual but we basically wanted different things.

Really listen to what he is saying. He isn't ready for more commitment and is panicking over buying the flat and having a longer term life with you. This is unlikely to be a blip, im sorry.

27 is very young to move forward with someone else. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself but don't beg him back - this is it and it's over now, please focus on moving forward

flowers and hugs for you x

GemmaRalph Mon 22-Aug-16 22:48:46

He's always been commitment shy but I've never got angry or impatient with him. He knows I'd like to get married one day and have a child but not yet.

Im now doubting whether he ever actually loved me and what he meant by somethings missing.

I know I just have to let him go but it's killing me. I don't know what to do with myself.

If it's being scared of buying somewhere then why not just say? Surely he knows I'd rather wait than rush it and lose him.

It must just be me..

GemmaRalph Tue 23-Aug-16 07:06:25

He's text me this morning asking to go to dinner tonight & talk. Do I go or just stop dragging this out & pack my things?

He may just want to talk about how we split our stuff but a restaurant seems like an odd place to do that.

I don't think I can sit there and listen to him tell me how this isn't working & he doesn't know how he feels any more all over again

ftmsoon Tue 23-Aug-16 07:09:43

Don't go, it's too soon to be friends. You need a clean break. Splitting stuff can be discussed as you pack, you don't need a fancy restaurant for that.

Penfold007 Tue 23-Aug-16 07:37:17

Perhaps he is thinking that a meeting in a public place means you will both have to 'behave' and so can have a productive meeting. There is a lot that needs to be decided very quickly especially regarding the property exchange. Your vendors deserve to know that you can't exchange.

Trifleorbust Tue 23-Aug-16 07:39:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K Tue 23-Aug-16 07:50:51

It's the fear of commitment or the lack of desire to commit.
You'd spend many years and you'd still be waiting for kids and marriage. Don't waste your time.

daisychain01 Tue 23-Aug-16 07:53:17

Although there are stories with happy endings, I would make the break now, take the warning signs he is giving you loud and clear.

You've already said he has been commitment-shy, it's for the best.

You are right, going out for a meal is not a good idea. It is very naive of him to suggest it. Whatever you discuss needs to be done in private not in the glare of a public space.

I had to go through this with my first steady boyfriend and it was definitely for the best that we split up!

Elroya1 Tue 23-Aug-16 07:56:23

I wouldn't pick a restaurant for a discussion such as this - at this point I would just talk it over again when he comes back from work, if there is anything else to be discussed.

Trifleorbust Tue 23-Aug-16 07:56:36

And I definitely wouldn't go to dinner with him right now. Sounds awful. Go out with your mates.

AnotherEmma Tue 23-Aug-16 07:58:30

Poor you, OP flowers

I wouldn't want to go out for dinner, I'd want to talk at home where I could get upset without feeling embarrassed. Having such an important conversation at a restaurant is all so horribly public.

FWIW it's agree with Sandy and others who say you should cut your losses and let him go. You deserve someone who is 100% sure they want to commit to you. I think this is the kind of guy who could make you wait years and years for marriage and children and never do it. Worst case scenario is that he could leave you when you're 35 and quickly meet someone else who he marries straight away. Obviously that's just conjecture but it does happen.

AnotherEmma Tue 23-Aug-16 07:59:42

Oh and I also wanted to say, maybe he should move out, not you? Unless the place you're living in now is in his name and not joint names?

Summerlovinf Tue 23-Aug-16 08:10:57

It might be helpful to talk things through. I don't agree with posters who say he shouldn't be having any doubts. Buying a property together is a big step and it's better to voice the doubts now.

It does sound like he is reluctant to commit though. There's plenty of blokes your age who do want family, home, married life'd probably be better off with one of them. You could hear what he's got to say first though. I suspect you're in for a 'it's not you it's me' speech about how you're too good for him and he's not ready to commit blah blah

GemmaRalph Tue 23-Aug-16 09:38:29

Thanks everyone. It's genuinely helping me get through today reading your advice.

Just an update, he called me 3 times this morning and I answered the last one.

He asked if I got his message and do I want to go. I said it's not a good idea, What's done is done and I don't need to hear all over again how he isn't ready and there is something missing.

He said he's been up all night thinking and it's the opposite of that. He said the christening we went to recently freaked him out and he wants to talk.

I want to hear what he has to say but I totally agree a restaurant isn't the place.

I think this could go two ways, nothing changes and we part ways or he tells me he has made a mistake and I need to then decide whether I actually want to forgive him and he's not going to leave in 3 years when he realises he never actually loved me!

Queenbean Tue 23-Aug-16 10:39:10

Don't be too hard on yourself OP, he does love you, he may be just struggling with the next step of commitment

Don't discount all your years of happiness, none of that was fake, he is just unsure of the next step

BastardGoDarkly Tue 23-Aug-16 11:17:08

Don't pack. Talk to him. He's allowed to feel unsure, and he's obviously struggling, but he's being honest, and I think you need to have a good talk, whatever that may bring.

I'd suggest cooking a meal at home, and having an honest chat.

Good luck 😊

KittyKrap Tue 23-Aug-16 11:34:58

Agree with the not going out for a meal, a breakup - if it is that - in public isn't any fun at all.

TheNaze73 Tue 23-Aug-16 11:47:50

Sounds like he's all over the shop at the moment but, on the face of it, appears to be being open & honest. Is there a neautral place you could go to? Think the restaurant idea, isn't the best

Scarydinosaurs Tue 23-Aug-16 12:00:35

Say you want to know what it is your discussing before you meet. It isn't fair to ambush you.

Queenbean Tue 23-Aug-16 14:17:27

Also, think about what you want and don't be scared to say it. If you want marriage and children in a few years then be honest. Don't keep it to yourself hoping he will become comfortable with owning the flat together and then he'll change his mind. You have to be honest to yourself about what you want in the future

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