Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it more important that DC live close to their father or..

(55 Posts)
absolutelyflawed Mon 22-Aug-16 22:15:16

.. A couple of hours away where we could afford to buy a house and the schools are better?

ALittleShit Mon 22-Aug-16 22:39:49

Closer to their father IMO

DearMrDilkington Mon 22-Aug-16 22:42:55

Closer to dad IF they regularly see him and have a good bond however if his a crap dad that regularly doesn't show for contact and has no interest then closer to school.

Lunar1 Mon 22-Aug-16 22:45:49

Close to their dad if they have regular access.

Perpetualstateofchaos Mon 22-Aug-16 22:55:28

I think it depends on access. Ds1 lives 70 miles plus from his sperm donor but has absolutely no relationship with him. He's not seen hide nor hair of him for 7 years. Ds2 however sees his dad once every weekend or 2 and as such I wouldn't move him miles away. His dads an arse but ds2 lives him.

HeddaGarbled Mon 22-Aug-16 23:11:12

Oh goodness me this is such a dilemma isn't it. Closer to their father is definitely ideal. But not if it means living in a hovel or renting in perpetuity.

A couple of hours away is such a long way - is there a compromise between the two?

Also, is he sorted for accommodation but you aren't? Is there some adjustment that can be done there to make it fair? For example, if being near to his children is important to him, maybe he needs to make some financial sacrifices to make that possible.

IzzyIsBusy Mon 22-Aug-16 23:13:16

If dad is a positive in their life then closer to him.
However ask your ex if he agrees better schooling is a priority and could cope with doing 50 50 travel for contact time. He may agree with you.

Lunar1 Tue 23-Aug-16 11:18:06

Why would he agree to doing 50/50 travel if she moves away?

TheNaze73 Tue 23-Aug-16 11:51:50

Closer to their Dad. Can't think of any reasons why it wouldn't be the case

absolutelyflawed Tue 23-Aug-16 15:46:10

Thanks for replies.
These are my reasons, wrongly / rightly:
Could buy a house for a third of what we are paying in rent, and wouldn't have to keep moving.
Would be preferable to educate 1 child privately, would be v difficult currently , but affordable elsewhere.
Less frenetic pace of life ( better suited to DC).
DC see father every other wkend so that wouldn't change.
75% of the time they also see him one evening in the week - that would be tricky tho I would plan to enable extra holiday time.

Missgraeme Tue 23-Aug-16 15:49:20

Maybe depends on the ages of the dc. I live 40 miles away from ex (not far enough!) our 3x ds either get lifts when I travel there for work or get the bus /train themselves. We share custody well now the boys make their own choice about where there are staying.

HaPPy8 Tue 23-Aug-16 15:52:11

Close to Dad. Sorry.

HerRoyalNotness Tue 23-Aug-16 15:56:15

I'd move, it's giving the DC a better life and they'd still be seeing their father regularly.

How will they travel to him? Train, or will you drive them etc?

CafeCremeMerci Tue 23-Aug-16 15:57:06

Well I'd say he has several choices

- to give you more money so you can afford to buy/private school the child that needs it

- move nearer to where you are going

- deal with the travelling

As difficult as it might be for him you need to move the kids to somewhere you can all have a better life.

LaurieLemons Tue 23-Aug-16 16:03:05

Closer to dad, I saw my dad every other weekend as a child, he lived an hour and a half away and I hated travelling and being away from my friends/missing parties.

VoyageOfDad Tue 23-Aug-16 18:19:07

What does the dc's father think ?

GloriaGaynor Tue 23-Aug-16 18:46:39

I think it sounds a good idea.

I wouldn't compromise your dc's quality of life for a father they're going to see every two weeks anyway.

If you lived in London it could take you an hour to cross it, and you'd technically be in the same city.

Can you swap the once a week for more holiday time?

absolutelyflawed Tue 23-Aug-16 20:46:12

Yep I would give more holiday time.
I don't know, it's costing us all a fortune to live where we do, and the frenetic pace isn't really doing DC any good. I hate it here, exh and his girlfriend and her kids love it.. Exh is very blinkered and some of the things he says makes me think he doesn't know what his DC are like at all. But as I say, I hate where we live so don't want my feelings to cloud what's best for DC

OneTwoOneTwoThreeFour Tue 23-Aug-16 20:56:53

Better life for dcs: their interests are more important, more holiday time eminent reasonable, they can keep in touch so easily with technology.

OneTwoOneTwoThreeFour Tue 23-Aug-16 20:57:15


QuiteLikely5 Tue 23-Aug-16 21:00:01

On this occasion I would say move. They will still see there father on a weekend and it's no bad thing not staying out during the week.

You hate your current location

I think the one day per week is a small loss

AntiqueSinger Tue 23-Aug-16 21:07:53

Sorry closer to dad. You may think the one day a week is unimportant but it really is. And then there's just the feeling of knowing you can access your parent easily if you have to. Knowing they are nearby.

Mummydummy Tue 23-Aug-16 21:12:20

IMO stay close to their father. Or discuss it with their father to see if you can both find a solution. Having a good relationship with him is central to your DCs well-being now and in the future.

Do nothing to damage that relationship. Your yardstick should be their future love and respect for how you supported it.

BlackVelvet1 Tue 23-Aug-16 21:20:26

I think moving sounds better for DCs and you (you matter too!). There are the hollidays but you could also give up 1 day on your weekends to make up for the 1 evening as you might get more quality/relaxed time during the week than you are currently getting.

WeAllHaveWings Tue 23-Aug-16 21:29:06

Close to dad. If they move away their relationship will suffer, especially in the teen years when they might want access to their dad. What about school events/parent evenings or meetings if they are struggling at school. Doctors/hospital appointments if they are ill. A close bond to their dad is priceless.

Are you prepared for a 4 hr round trip to drop and pick when it's his days, you are the one moving so far away so your responsibility?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now