Fuck - this hurts so much

[outofdepth]

Really hope it's only me that's experiencing this. No purpose other than to tell it to someone really

Mum of a late teen who lived with me until 16 - the dad and I split up when baby was 8 months old. When teen got to 16, teen decided to live with Dad and big family. I swallowed my upset and was cheery and supportive and took pride in the fact teen was able to make a big decision about what they felt was right.

3 years later teen is about to start uni and I am just an afterthought. Never contacts me or wants to chat unless I contact first or doesn't even seem to want to spend time with me

I would never say this to teen but it hurts so much. Am very proud of them and always say it and how much I love them and show by actions as well as words. Cannot help but think to the future when they have a partner and sure will very rarely see them or any grandchildren because I truly think they prefer Dad and big family and feels like they really don't value me or have any regard for me

Am crying now - I normally brush it away and try and focus on positives but it hurts like fuck that in the 3 month uni holiday teen has not seen me once or shown any real interest in spending any time with me other than a couple of token texts saying 'yes a few days with you would be good' and then nothing despite me gently tiring to organise that - yet knowing that they are spending lots of time with other family

Like I said - hope no one else is going through this because I'm really seeing such a bleak future and it really really hurts

[springydaffs]

Been there, t-shirt. Agree it hurts so much - universe size. There is no pain like it

Have a look at Joshua Coleman . I actually love this man because if it weren't for him, well...

I'm happy to report the estrangement is over and I'm currently getting over the trauma . The estrangement was pure agony and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It came after years of being treated like shit.

Unfortunately there is a huge social stigma around it which means we have to keep quiet - which adds to the isolation, unbelievable pain and loneliness. I have found the org Stand Alone very helpful.

ime they were seduced by family members/ex. Joshua Coleman gives excellent strategies for getting through it and how to open up the way to reconciliation. His book is also good. Read it and weep

Unfortunately, this age is when they are (generally) very selfish indeed - making their way in the world etc. It's probably a survival mechanism to launch them into adult life. They feel they can't incorporate a parent's needs when the landscape is fraught...

Anyway, read Joshua Coleman. Balm to the soul

(I couldn't give you enough flowers but I'll try )

[outofdepth]

Springy - thank you so much and I'm sorry you've been through it

I'm really grateful for the Joshua Coleman info - will take a good look tomorrow

You are so right - the pain and shame stops me from telling anyone in real life. I don't want to admit it because I feel I'm being disloyal to teen and also suppose that I must think the problem is due to something I did or didn't do

I'm really glad I shared on here - I just had to tell someone because it really hurts so much

Thank you

[booboo40123]

I would just like to say a huge thank you OP. I just waved goodbye to my teen (14), who has gone back to dad's 40 miles away. She was given the choice at 12 to stay in the city where she was born and bought up, or move with dad to another city with better schools and a more affluent life with dad. She chose the four bedrooms farm house in the countryside!! I (like you) tried to be happy, constantly tried to keep contact and for a while she stayed every weekend, then that became every other week and now.....it's a couple of days here and there!! I miss her so much. The pain is horrible, and I can't talk about it!!! Just wanted to say that you are not alone!! to you xx

[springydaffs]

I do need to warn you though that this subject doesn't go down well on MN. Too many people on here are cutting off parents and see it from the child's side eg suspect you of heinous crimes you are in denial about etc etc.

Just a word of warning.

[outofdepth]

Booboo - oh I'm so sorry to hear that for you,

You've taken me right back to where I was 3 years ago - it's so painful isn't it.

Please read Springy's post on this thread - I've just ordered the Joshua Coleman book she recommended.

It's helped me sharing in here - go ahead and share as well if it helps

[AntiqueSinger]

No advice really. Never been in your situation, but have a teen about to go off to uni and feeling the loss already. So I cannot imagine how much it hurts to be estranged from your child through their own conscious or unconscious choice, for such a prolonged amount of time. It must hurt like hell. I really feel for you. Just wanted to send you hugs and prayers and hope you can resolve things for the best.

And I would second the point made earlier that teens and young adults can be really self-centred and selfish, even a bit callous. It is probably a survival mechanism a bit like when they are toddlers, and their needs and wants come first.

You sound like a great mother xx

[DarkDarkNight]

I live in fear of this happening to me, it must be so hard to cope with, no wonder you are upset.

My son is only a toddler but I think he prefers his dad. It's easy for his dad to be the fun one I suppose. My fear is when he gets older he will want to live with him. His side of the family are more social and go away a lot together and have gatherings whereas mine don't. They also have more money and I can understand how that seems a better option than constantly struggling to make ends meet.

[Halfwayoranges]

I just wanted to add that teens are definitely very selfish and I honestly doubt your teen has considered your feeling much, because they are too busy with their own plans! It won't be because they don't care. I remember before I went to uni I don't think I ever thought twice about my actions in relation to how my parents felt about anything, but now I am very conscious of it and some things I did back then I would never do now! I always cared though. I think your teen is probably thinking all about their own life and that's all it is. It's even harder for you because they don't live with you now, but even if they did I think you'd have noticed a change. Hope you're ok, just try to see past these difficult couple of years.

[Justaboy]

outofdepth "You are so right - the pain and shame "

Pain yes can understand that but shame why?. What have you done wrong in bought her up for years and shes sodded of and living with her dad?.

You've not done anything wrong in my book just a teenager being very me me me as they can be sometimes! It is rather remiss of her to leave you out of so much although I'm now divorced we are still on speaking terms , well e-mailing, and the daughters live with me but they see their mum albeit shes abroad quite often and there's always Skype.

I think if at least your "there" for her if she needs you, then that's about all you can do in practice. I hope she grows up a bit one day and realises how she makes you feel.

[TanteJeanne]

Many teenagers are thoughtless and selfish. It's their biology and brain chemistry, not their personality. Keep the door open as best you can, so that when the phase passes, she can come back to you- emotionally, if not physically. Your relationship will change but it is worth hanging in there for.

[SandyY2K]

I see a different side of this.

My brother is on his second marriage and his DCs prefer to be with him and stepmum and given a choice would like to live in the bigger house.

They have cousins on our side of the family and our family is the social fun loving type and my ex SIL struggles with it.

Even when my brother is away for work, they still want to go and be with stepmum and leave their own mum at home. I actually talked them out of doing that once, because I would have been gutted if I was their mum.

I see that their dad's place is more like a family unit, as mum doesn't have a partner. Or at least not a live in one.

Teenagers are selfish.

If it's a girl she'll be more sensitive, but boys are less likely to.

If there was ever a time I appreciated my mum, it's when I became a mum myself. Going through all that pain you realise ... that being a mum is no easy thing.