Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Divorce and mediation - help

(13 Posts)
bloodywellhowmuch Mon 22-Aug-16 20:06:03


Long time none poster but you guys got me through the initial separation so I'm asking for help again.

My stbexh and I can't agree on the division of the house, he has asked for 50% of the value, whereas I dispute this, when the house was bought it was split 3 ways, with the 3rd party leaving me their 3rd of the house when they passed away (this was 23 years ago) and the reason for that was to protect me should we divorce.

My ex says it shouldn't count anymore as it's such a long time ago, I say that the very reason it was done that way was to protect me and that he agreed to that at the time.

My ex is also pushing for us/me to not attend mediation but agree to a 50/50 split between ourselves in order to save the cost of mediation, and whilst I agree that I don't have much money for mediation I do feel that they would at least see both points of view and help us to sort it.

It also doesn't help that I feel slightly intimidated by my ex - he has never been violent or anything I just feel as if I should say yes to his requests to make him happy, just like I have always done.

Do you have any advice ?

pieceofpurplesky Mon 22-Aug-16 20:07:27

Go for mediation and don't listen to him. I was in a similar situation and he now only gets 1/3 profit

bloodywellhowmuch Mon 22-Aug-16 21:33:28

Thanks, it is a very difficult position to be in and I'm being very emotional over my home.

Missgraeme Mon 22-Aug-16 21:38:27

Whoever was trying to protect u from the greedy twat needs respecting. Tell him to be grateful for a third. Stay strong and remember your relative had your best interests at heart. Don't let him bully u anymore.

bloodywellhowmuch Mon 22-Aug-16 21:58:33

I know my grandfather was trying to protect me, it's taken a long time for the divorce to happen, I'd like to think my grandfather didn't see it coming but just wanted to make sure I kept my home (v.long story but I've always called this place home all my life).

Will the mediators see that's how it was split and still uphold it? after all my grandfather passed away 24 years ago and we have lived here as a couple for 23 of those years, won't they see it as being equally split as he's worked and I've raised our children (still worked sometimes part time as well).

Cabrinha Tue 23-Aug-16 00:16:15

It isn't for mediators to "uphold" anything. They are there to aid negotiation and reduce the number of cases going to court. They don't make decisions, they just help couples try to agree things themselves. Is this third legally protected in some way?

Tbh, my view would depend on the parties behaviour throughout the marriage.

After 23 years, if I were him and I'd thrown my lot in equally all that time, and 1/3 vs 1/2 was the difference between being able to afford to stay in the area really close to my kids or not, then yes - I'd push for 50:50.

So for example, if I had earned more (with the exception of around childcare as that's more complicated) but always put money into a joint pot - then yeah, I'd expect everything to be 50:50 now.

If this were my ex and he'd been an arsehole for 23 years, I'd tell him to fuck himself!

Remember that the priority here isn't your emotional attachment to a house - it is what is important for the children. It may be that you need 2/3 in order to keep them housed near their schools and without the disruption of moving. That is a more persuasive reason to me personally.

LellyMcKelly Tue 23-Aug-16 01:31:46

It sounds like you should have 2/3 of the equity at the point you moved in, then 50/50 after that.

Trifleorbust Tue 23-Aug-16 06:01:16

If I were him I would expect half after 25 years of marriage.

bloodywellhowmuch Tue 23-Aug-16 09:27:00

Morning, and thanks for all your advice, I know it is a very difficult one to make a decision on and why I wanted to ask for advice, part of me says yes give him half, the other side of me says no bloody way as he cheated (not that it makes any difference I know) and I can't afford to buy him out at a half and certainly couldn't afford to buy elsewhere locally to ensure minimum disruption for the children (one is autistic), and to ensure that I have a disabled friendly home for our eldest who is at uni, but needs a place to come home to that is disability friendly.

Runningissimple Tue 23-Aug-16 09:44:27

See a solicitor. After 23 years he may have a 50:50 claim on the house but because of your children it is more complex. Get some advice so you understand where the law stands for you. I imagine you will have a strong claim on the house because of the children rather than the inheritance aspect.

Not getting the right advice now could cost you more in the long term. Also you need to protect your children financially. Mediation does not offer any advice about your best interests, it just creates a space to enable dialogue without arguments and to ratify decisions reached.

eyebrowsonfleek Tue 23-Aug-16 09:46:26

He is being cheeky.

Your ex should be starting negotiations at you getting your grandfather's money back plus half the equity . (Was the deposit written into the house contract as yours?)

£120k House
£40k from Grandfather
£80k mortgage

You get £40k plus half the equity
He gets half the equity minus £40k

Runningissimple Tue 23-Aug-16 10:25:36

I am in the middle of a very litigious divorce in the UK. My very experienced and excellent solicitor maintains: if you are married all assets are joint. My nearly ex-h has tried to create all sorts of arbitrary decisions to suit his ideas about what is fair.

You need legal advice not mumsnet advice. People talk a load of rubbish about divorce with a great deal of authority. If you had been married 25 years and moved into a house he owned outright before you met, you would still be entitled to 1/2. That's what pre-nups are all about.

Division of assets after a long marriage with children is complex. There are no blanket rules as each situation is unique. It's about dividing assets equitably (not necessarily equally) so that you can both move on with your lives.

bloodywellhowmuch Tue 23-Aug-16 11:15:03

I have spoken with a solicitor prior to this, but haven't spoken to them recently specifically about the financial split, I know I need their professional advice I just wanted to get a feel from other mumsnetters, you all had a wealth of advice last year when I was falling apart and I was sure that I would get the same again smile

Thanks everyone for your help so far smile keep offering the advice as I know it helps me calm down and not be as emotional and look at it more black and white smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now