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I really need some advice... Boyfriend kissed someone else.

(57 Posts)
Blazesmum100 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:20:06

Hi everyone I'm really just asking for some advice please to see if anyone has been in a similar situation. Sorry for the long post but the context is important. My boyfriend and I wee at a festival together nearly two months ago, we were on working tickets and at the end of our shift at 3am he wanted to go out raving with some of our friends, I was tired so I went back to our tent to sleep. Had no reason not to trust him. He came back to tent at 7.30 am... (Most music finishes 5am) Next day he told me nothing, I knew something had happened and I finally got it out of him that he kissed one of his/our friends. We have talked about it a lot since and I'm trying to move on but I can't seem to. The thing that bothers me most is that it went on for hours, I've got it out of him that they were walking round the festival together for two hours snogging... Both drunk, but it's not like it was one drunken kiss that they stopped quickly and regretted, it feels like multiple prolonged decisions to cheat on me. Things weren't perfect before the festival but they're much worse now, little things are really annoying me and I can't separate them out from the whole backdrop of the cheating episode. Also the fact that he didn't tell me straight away and lied to me all day is haunting me. I'm 35 and we were talking about kids before this happened but now I can't even consider it, he told me yesterday he would really struggle with the idea of us not having kids. I moved city to be with him in January and we moved in together in March. Am I being unreasonable to see it as a pretty major issue? I would miss him if we weren't together I think, but it's on my mind all the time and driving me nuts!

Blazesmum100 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:33:01

So I just realised that as I'm not a mum maybe I'm not allowed to post on here. But maybe the sisterhood might still be up for offering some advice? Sorry if it's not appropriate.

Cinnamon2013 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:33:40

Sorry to hear about this. How apologetic is he? What reasons has he given for it happening? I would feel like you about it. It's not a small thing.

Cinnamon2013 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:34:32

Doesn't matter at all that you're not a mum, don't worry

fastdaytears Mon 22-Aug-16 17:35:52

Not being a mum doesn't matter at all

Of course you're not unreasonable to be upset by this. It's not good at all. Drunk or not.

How old are you both?

MiniAlphaBravo Mon 22-Aug-16 17:37:10

I think you should LTB, sorry. If he can't be trusted when you're actually there, at the same event, I think that's pretty bad.

Blazesmum100 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:38:33

He has been pretty apologetic, he says that he doesn't really know why he did it, he says they were both very drunk and it was her that kissed him but obviously he didn't stop it. When I've pressed it to try to understand, he said he thinks that because he never had much luck with women before he met me, his drunken brain reacted in a "I need to take what I can get" kind of way. Which makes me feel a bit sick really. He is pretty ashamed about it and has cried over it. I haven't been shouty about it, just trying to work out if we can get through it.

everdene Mon 22-Aug-16 17:39:52

He doesn't sound like someone reliable enough to want to think about starting a family with, put it that way.

Two hours, like you say, isn't a 'moment of madness' and given that it's been with someone you both know that would be a further roadblock for me.

It doesn't sound like a stable future if after only three months he's snogging other people and not owning up. If I'm totally honest I was expecting you to say you were about 20 so to read you're 35 was quite surprising.

Do you think you could trust him again?

Blazesmum100 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:40:15

I'm 35, he's 31. He's had very little relationship history before me whereas I've got loads of baggage.

FreeFromHarm Mon 22-Aug-16 17:41:51

Welcome OP, is your instinct telling you possibly it was more than just a kiss ... and yes how apologetic is he, you said thing were not great before you went... he has cheated before ?

everdene Mon 22-Aug-16 17:42:08

Him saying he felt he should 'take what he can get' with one of your shared friends is horrible OP.

He is disrespecting you, badly.

YouAreMyRain Mon 22-Aug-16 17:42:28

Leave him. You can't trust him. He lied. I suspect that it was more than just kidding and that they had sex too. He is only admitting the minimum at the moment. Sorry

YouAreMyRain Mon 22-Aug-16 17:42:53

*kissing

Blazesmum100 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:43:02

We have been together for over a year, we actually first slept together at that festival last year so that was a further blow that it was our anniversary. I left all my friends and job behind to move to be with him (also for work as well to be fair, job prospects for me are better for me in London.) I really want to make a go of it but I can't separate out the cheating drama and feeling of hurt from the day to day stuff (like being annoyingly affectionate and pedantic about household stuff etc)

lemonzest123 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:43:33

Urrrghhhh this sounds horribly familiar OP!

Briefly, me and X went to the pub with some friends one day, got smashed and I went to bed while they'd stayed up. He creeps in to bed at about 5am and I here someone leave at about 7am (not that odd, people stayed over ours all the time).

In the morning he was acting WEIRD and turns out all my friends knew that he'd brought one of our friends back to my living room while I was sleeping. He swore blind nothing happened until I had unequivocal evidence that something had gone on, then he finally caved, but still insisted all they did was kiss despite being alone for hours under a duvet in the living room.

I'm not making this all about me I just wanted to explain to you what happened as I bet you're going through the same thought processes.

The issues you will struggle with are:
- He lied. Meaning you will always wonder if it was only a kiss.
- He lied. Meaning you will always wonder if he's lied before and not been caught out.
- It was someone you knew (it was for me to). Personally, I think this made it worse as he must have known when he was doing it that I'd find out and then have to suffer the humiliation of seeing her smug face in the future.

I'm not saying you have to end it but you will have to both do a lot of work to ensure you can rebuild this trust. Remember, it's not YOUR job to suffer paranoia/doubt in silence; it's his job to step up and prove he's worthy of your trust again.

My x couldn't/couldn't be bothered to find a way to do this so I ended it, albeit a year later. I'm sorry OP, I know that's not what you want to hear but I'd think long and hard before having a baby together if you feel you can't turst him.

Good luck and lots of love.

Lemon xxx

Advicepls7080 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:43:51

Plenty of non mums on here OP!

I personally wouldn't stay with him once s Cheat always a cheat (in my personal opinion) I feel like people saying it happened because they're drunk/drugged up etc is such a cop out

Cinnamon2013 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:44:54

His reason sounds fairly believable but ouch, I'd not be impressed with it. It seems very disrespectful to you, your relationship and the big commitment you've recently made.

I'm sorry, this probably isn't want you want to hear, but I would definitely be walking away. If he's serious enough he can and will change your mind... but on the basis of a little bit of remorse, I think you'd be letting him off very easily, and with the 'excuse' that he's given there's absolutely no reason for him not to do it again.

CanandWill Mon 22-Aug-16 17:44:54

Leave him op. He is not the man for you. Go and don't look back.

MidnightAura Mon 22-Aug-16 17:45:05

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I couldn't trust him now. He has lied and admitted to kissing your friend lots of times, not even as you say like she came on to him and he pushed her away. How do you know they haven't had sex?!

lemonzest123 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:45:43

PS. The take what you can get thing was the exact same in my sitch - x was (not to be deliberately unkind) but not used to getting attention from women and when this quite pretty girl 'came on to him' he jumped at the chance.

Which made me think his (alleged) lack of cheating in the past was due to lack of opportunities, not faithfulness!

Rubberduck2 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:49:23

Have my very first LTB and I've been here a while!!

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. For me, kissing is 2 things.

1 if you're single, it can mean nothing at all and just be part of a drunken night - no harm done.

2 if you're in a relationship it's one of the most intimate things going and should be special between you both.

This would be a total deal breaker for me. The fact that he did this for some time with your "friend" says to me that he has no respect for you. You are both in an established long term relationship and it must be serious if you were talking children.

Seriously, get out whilst you can. This is not the man for you.

Have some winewinewine and tell home to fuck off.

flowers

TheNaze73 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:51:02

Once a cheat always a treat, is so true

lemonzest123 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:57:07

Don't agree with once a cheat always a cheat though. I think once someone has cheated on you, it's VERY difficult to be sure they won't do it again.

But I've cheated on some DPs in the past and not on others.

Blazesmum100 Mon 22-Aug-16 18:00:39

In terms of whether or not they had sex, we talked about this yet again this weekend and he has admitted to above the waist groping (I feel ill just thinking about it) and says it went no further. She's also a friend (allegedly) and I called her a few days later to ask for her side of the story, she said the same that it was just kissing. Her boyfriend (yep... I know...) has apparently just forgiven her and let it go as a stupid drunken festival thing. So I guess I do believe they didn't have sex. But in a way that's worse. If they'd had sex it would be binary for me. Immediate end. But this feels less clear cut - although I'm reassured that you guys all see it as serious too. She said they didn't go any further cos "they knew it would be going too far". So if they were sober enough to decide that between them while watching the sunrise....?! Shouldn't they have been sober enough to stop snogging? It's so grim because I do love him and I believe he's sorry. I just can't stop thinking about it.

lemonzest123 Mon 22-Aug-16 18:07:31

Aww hun that's so rough. I felt exactly as you do - except for my part if he'd not lied I'd have been WAY more forgiving. Unfortunately those seeds of doubt are so hard to unsew.

If you think you've still got a future together I think you need to have a think and a long talk with him explaining that your trust has been broken a see how he reacts. If he is quick to reassure you that he'll do anything to help rebuild that - even if it's annoying to him, like letting you know where he is if he's out late or showing you whats on his phone if you feel he was being secretive about it, that would be something but if, like my x he gives you the verbal equivalent of a shrug don't waste any more time on him, seriously. I really regret not having the balls to break up with my ex then and there, would have saved a LOT of agro.

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