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Listening and taking husband for granted

(9 Posts)
r2d256 Mon 22-Aug-16 12:45:46

I've NC shamefully as I'm too embarrassed by my behaviour.

So we've been together almost 10 years and have one DS (6mo)

For years we have had occasional arguments which mainly get out of hand as I've not listened or got carried away with whatever I want to do whether it be a social event or planning something that should be planned as a couple and end up just "telling" him what we're doing as apposed to asking his opinion

He's let me get my own way numerous times, often to the detriment of what he would prefer to do himself then every few months we have big rows when he says he's fed up and honestly I don't blame him. It's beyond the "happy wife happy life" scenario

I'm an only child and didn't think that I was that spoilt but turns out I probably am. I get so carried away with things that make me happy that I have no regard for him.

It's the same for listening, I'm not a great listener and I can appreciate how frustrating it is when people don't listen to you but all he wants is to be appreciated and to have a two way relationship of mutual understanding. I also have a male relative that I see as pretty much a father figure and a lot of the time of this person is referenced to it makes me understand things that DH has been saying for ages. This obviously makes him feel second best.

I've recently started telephone counselling to
Try and help me with these issues as if they continue he WILL leave. So far it's been lovely to chat but nothing ground breaking.

Please help me, I've tried researching good communication and listening techniques but not found anything.

I love him, I do but I get too carried away and how to you change a major part of your personality ?

TIA

emilybrontescorset Mon 22-Aug-16 12:52:58

Are you saying that you compare your husband to the male relative?
If you do then that is annoying as hell.
Could you try breaking your behaviour down.
The next time you want to make plans stop and think. Ask your dh what he thinks about your idea. Listen to what he says. If he is fine to go along with your plan then great. If not ask what he would like to do and then go along with his idea. You might actually like it.

Take things one step at a time.

r2d256 Mon 22-Aug-16 12:56:10

It's more that DH could be stating a fact and I'll umm and ahh over it then said relative can be referred to ie "what would they think" and I'll then think the fact is true or a good idea etc
Hope I've explained that well enough, thanks so much for your response, breaking things down sounds good. I'm just not one for taking things slowly, I talk super fast and try to multitask when I probably shouldn't confused

Northernparent68 Mon 22-Aug-16 12:59:51

I really admire your honesty

Professional counselling might be a good idea but pending that try and think where you learnt this behaviour, and why you behave like this.

It's also worth saying you can stop if you want to, anyone can be a good listener, try asking your husbands opinion and then act on it. Let him make some decisions.

The book the surrendered wife might help

r2d256 Mon 22-Aug-16 13:09:24

Thank you so much northern that's really lovely to hear someone say. smile

ButIbeingpoor Mon 22-Aug-16 13:13:21

Suggest an event. Day out, meal, weekend away, whatever.
Your objective is to let DH have control. Ask him where/ what he wants to do. Let him make any booking. Encourage him that his choices are good for you. If he can plan and execute anything, thank him and tell him how much you enjoyed it, even if you could have done it better.
Regarding listening to him, could you try repeating what he has said to you and make sure you have grasped his point. Then do something to prove you have taken it on board.
(Eg, he says that looks good, later buy it for him. My exH was brilliant at this. If I mentioned some ad on the TV he would buy me the item. This usually involved chocolate...)

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 22-Aug-16 13:28:12

How about letting him make all the decisions for a week or two. Agree with everything he says, everything he suggests, if he isn't keen then you aren't keen. Don't tell him you are doing it at first.

This is to make you really notice your default behaviours.

I am not suggesting a long term surrendered wife thing!

It seems to me that your defaults are that you own all decisions and to be opposed to anything he suggests. That must be incredibly wearing for him.

r2d256 Mon 22-Aug-16 13:55:23

Brilliant suggestions ! They all sound so simple but neither of us had thought them before !

We're starting him and decisions for two weeks from tomorrow, he's quite excited about it. smilesmile

This is the thing we have a great time most of the time but maybe it's because I get my way all the time. I need to learn to share!! blush

Greenandmighty Mon 22-Aug-16 22:36:39

It's great that you are wanting to improve your communication skills.

Suggest you focus on pausing and listening. Really focus on what your dh has to say and fight the urge to interrupt or draw attention back to you yourself. Listening well is something others truly value but it takes practice. I admire your openness and your motivation to make changes.

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