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Raped by partner?

(17 Posts)
Messedupme Mon 22-Aug-16 11:45:07


I think I have been raped twice but it seems silly to say it as this person is my partner.
We have been together 4 years he is 15 years older. I have 3 children he has 4. He leads a separate life and I have nothing to do with his family and he is still married to his wife but separated. I am divorced. I haven't been happy for a while with this man but have stuck with it because even though noone likes this man he has been my go to and me his for all this time, and I care for him. I keep going over the incidences in my head. One time I woke up after being asleep and he had pinned me down and I couldn't move, and the other time he was very rough from behind one morning, and I couldn't get away even after I had said no loads of time.
Each time he hasn't realised what he had done, there was no mention of it, but he seemed possessed almost. I broke up with him a few months back and stuck with it for 4 weeks but he is my boss and I found it hard working with him and we ended up back together; albeit very casually as I don't want to get too involved again. He is being really nice at the moment but I think he is a narcissist. Does anyone have a similar experience and ideas on how to get out of it for good would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. X

Missgraeme Mon 22-Aug-16 11:50:55

Look for another job and get the hell away from him. No excuses to stay at all.

Lweji Mon 22-Aug-16 11:51:49

The first step is wanting to get out. You really should. And possibly report him for rape.

When you say he's your boss, is it a large company or small? Is he the owner?

Why do you feel it's hard working with him? Do you feel attracted to him, or pushed into having sex with him?

PaperdollCartoon Mon 22-Aug-16 11:53:49

flowers I am so sorry this happened to you, yes this man has raped you twice. Please end the relationship and find a new job, and consider going to the police if you feel able. Do you have anyone who can support you in real life? A friend or family member you can be open with?

adora1 Mon 22-Aug-16 11:57:16

You need to report him to the Police, yes it is rape and yes it is a crime, for your own safety and sanity I would urge you to get rid of this absolute vile human being.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 22-Aug-16 12:04:57

Of course he's being nice. It's in his interests.

I totally agree with Paperdoll

Messedupme Mon 22-Aug-16 12:07:49

He promises he will change regarding other things, and he seems genuine. So I give him chance after chance. I desperately wanted to be with this man properly. He promised me the world and gave me nothing except pain but now I feel like I can't be with anyone else. I'm not really attracted to him anymore after all of this. I have lost respect for him. But I feel worried for my job as I need this money and I just feel trapped. I couldn't speak to anyone else about this as I am so embarrassed. I'm normally such a strong person but I feel useless now.

6demandingchildren Mon 22-Aug-16 12:13:59

Rape is when you say NO
Rape is when you push away
Rape is being forced

If you feel you can report him to the police xx

Lweji Mon 22-Aug-16 12:19:42

I assume your relationship is public?
You don't have to tell anyone about the rape, but you can tell people you don't want to be with him anymore, and that you're worried about your job.
It's sexual harassment, even without the rape.
Check what you can do about it, at least

He would be in a bad position if he sacks you based on you saying no to him sexually.

Do look for another job. And if he pressures you into getting back together in anyway, report him to the police.

You may also want to contact Rape Crisis for advice and further support.
Freephone 0808 802 9999
12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays

Lweji Mon 22-Aug-16 12:21:22

Rape is when you say NO
Rape is when you push away

Sorry to correct this, but

Rape is when you DON'T SAY YES.
Rape is when you don't pull in enthusiastically.

You don't have to reject, or say anything. You just have to not be able to say no, or not participate willingly or given the chance to move away.

Messedupme Mon 22-Aug-16 12:43:04

The relationship is paptly publice but it didn't used to be as he didn't want his kids or wife to find out, even though theu were separated. They found out in the end but it's so awkward, but after years of him not wanting anything more and no commitment he is all of a sudden saying he wants me and him to move in together etc... I think it's because he knows I have had enough.

Messedupme Mon 22-Aug-16 12:45:35

Partly public*

LewisAndClark Mon 22-Aug-16 12:47:37

Yes it's rape.

Can you talk to the police?

Messedupme Mon 22-Aug-16 12:52:59

I couldn't call the police no. I couldn't go through all that with him. He would make my life even more difficult.

Lweji Mon 22-Aug-16 13:14:59

I'd keep that option open.

You can get free from him.

Have you looked for other jobs?

Messedupme Mon 22-Aug-16 15:41:47

I have an interview on Friday. But not sure if it will work or not because of timings with the kids. I just feel so drained. I feel sick constantly. Aching all over.

Lweji Mon 22-Aug-16 16:22:51

Act as if you are unemployed. Use what time you have to find a new job.
If you require a letter of recommendation, then it's worth looking into sexual harassment and the rape issues.

Do you have other colleagues or is it just you and him?

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