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He acts like a clown every time I try it on.

(52 Posts)
NameChanger876 Mon 22-Aug-16 10:33:15

I've been with dp for 2 and a half years and even though things were quite rocky at times we always had great chemistry. He's worked through past jealousy,insecuritues and together we've got past a time when he cheated. Now things are better than ever apart from the chemistry which seems to have shifted. He rarely trys it on with me and when I start things off with affection whether it be a cuddle on his lap or sex he will turn everything into a giant joke. Just last night we got into bed and I started kissing him and he joked about loads of gross things to do with his arse, made his penis into a character and put on a cockney accent. Basically just acted like he was down the pub with a bunch of guy friends. Every time he does this I'll feel really put off and so many things will be going through my head like if he does it so I'll leave him alone, if he doesn't fancy me anymore and if he did things like that with that other woman.

I've expressed how I'm not into the joking around in the bedroom but he gets defensive and sulks. Can anyone shed light on this or if you've had similar experiences?

Cabrinha Mon 22-Aug-16 10:51:36

Shed light on it?

He's an arsehole.

What more do you need to know?

I sigh every time I read on here that a man has cheated but "we've got past it". By which like most posters I think you mean - you sucked it up and he got away with it. What did he do to get you both past it?

Certainly not decide to always treat you with respect in future angry

You've asked him not to do this, he has shown you that he gives just about as much of a toss about your feelings now as he did when he fucked someone else.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Sexual rejection is fucking awful, I've been there which is why I'm angry in your behalf! (also with a cheating arsehole)

Honestly, why are you bothering? It's so lovely to have a boyfriend that loves you.

TheStoic Mon 22-Aug-16 11:09:13

He doesn't appear to want to have sex with you, but can't bring himself to say it.

Missgraeme Mon 22-Aug-16 11:15:53

Assume he is an adult- just nobody has told him.

leopardspice Mon 22-Aug-16 11:17:34

He sounds extremely immature and I would also think he may be using "humour" as a deliberate way to put you off?

Only1scoop Mon 22-Aug-16 11:18:55

Would really piss me off

Sounds like he's fending you off with his childish talk.

FreeFromHarm Mon 22-Aug-16 11:19:03

You need to get rid asap, he has probably already started cheating on you as well, reminds me of someone I used to know, what a dickwad, sorry OP, humiliating you is a massive issue and will not get any better .

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 22-Aug-16 11:23:03

As a single man, can I say that I actually despair of so many threads like this in relationships. There are plenty of guys out there who would never cheat, would never act like this. Why would you prefer to stay with someone like this arsehole when there are plenty of decent guys out there who would treat you properly?

If this is what you call "better than ever", OP, I cringe to think what it was like before and why you feel the need to accept or excuse such behaviour. I don't get it.

meowli Mon 22-Aug-16 11:30:28

try it on

To engage in sexual relations with someone. Usually, romance or commitment does not enter the equation.

I think the phrase you use is very telling. There's your problem, right there.

category12 Mon 22-Aug-16 11:30:47

Sorry, it does sound like he is putting you off on purpose.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 22-Aug-16 11:30:51

It doesn't sound as though he wants to be intimate with you any more and this is his way of communicating that.

NameChanger876 Mon 22-Aug-16 11:31:50

We do still end up having sex but only after he sees I'm already a bit put off or annoyed. We've spoken about sex stuff so much lately I don't even want to bring it up anymore. He will sometimes recently just outright say his sex drive has gone because he feels bad about himself but then wanks himself silly over porn when I'm asleep so I don't know what to think. I thought the clown behaviour might have just been because he's feeling awkward but now I'm not sure.

category12 Mon 22-Aug-16 11:32:22

And two and a half years of rockiness and him cheating? It's not worth it, it's not working. It shouldn't be like that.

Stormtreader Mon 22-Aug-16 11:37:36

I wonder how he would react if as soon as he started doing it you just stop everything and say "aaaand im done", roll over, go to sleep?
It almost sounds like hes punishing you in some way in that if you initiate, you cant have sex until youve endured the "dealing with stupid behaviour" step.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Mon 22-Aug-16 11:40:51

Come on OP, he sounds positively unhinged.

Maybe he has confidence problems - hence the need to cheat, and act like a dick around you, and perhaps can only respond to porn as it doesn't need satisfying like a real woman.....but they are his problems, and he's supposedly a grown man.

Leave him deal with them while you find a mutually satisfying relationship which is based on trust and respect.

My ex was "the clown." Hilariously funny to all, yes, but there were some awful jokes at my expense. I get chills thinking on his "crazy" behaviour now. sad

fastdaytears Mon 22-Aug-16 11:41:48

How long ago was the cheating?

RedMapleLeaf Mon 22-Aug-16 11:43:26

We do still end up having sex but only after he sees I'm already a bit put off or annoyed.

Hmm, so perhaps this is a game where he likes you to feel subdued/upset/grateful during sex? Like this is his little reassurance-seeking act first?

but then wanks himself silly over porn

Why do I suddenly feel as though I've been wasting my breath? sad

CremeBrulee Mon 22-Aug-16 11:44:37

And there's the problem. It's the porn - he'd rather wank himself into oblivion that put effort j to having sex with you. Get rid.

PatriciaHolm Mon 22-Aug-16 11:45:42

In 2.5 years you've been through his cheating, jealousy, insecurities, and he doesn't want to have sex with you.

Pretty obvious this relationship is dead, don't you think?

Branleuse Mon 22-Aug-16 11:48:03

after 2 and a half years, you should still be in honeymoon stage. Not having to get over him cheating, humiliating you, and acting like some sort of idiot when you try and be intimate.

NameChanger876 Mon 22-Aug-16 11:50:21

fastdaytears it was this time last year he cheated.

Yeah, you are probably all right. He's not into me anymore and I've been through a lot of crap for 2 and a half years. It's not worth it anymore.

Batteriesallgone Mon 22-Aug-16 11:50:24

Red flag for him cheating again I'd have thought

plutoisnotaplanet Mon 22-Aug-16 12:01:36

The porn thing is very telling - the fact you see porn and sex as a replacement for each other says that sex is not a bonding experience for the two of you and you see the two as interchangeable. Therefore your problem isn't sex, it's connection.

I think he's using the stupid behavior to tell you he doesn't want to have sex with you. The fact he's still wanking says his sex drive on a physical level is fine, so it's the emotional side of sex he's struggling with. This is the bit that is absent when he's having a wank, so a wank becomes much more preferable to sex because he doesn't have to deal with the emotional side. This has absolutely nothing to do with your physical appearance or how attractive he finds you, it's symptomatic of a disconnect in your relationship somewhere else.

First of all, stop having sex with him after he does the stupid behavior, if he asks why you've gone cold, simply tell him "I find the stupid behavior really off putting" - repeat ad nauseam.

Secondly, address where the emotional disconnect is coming from. There is clearly other problems in the relationship and this is a symptom of that. Identify if there's a lack of closeness or affection and address that before initiating sex again.

Finally, get it completely out of your head that this is about how attractive you are to him. It's really, really not. Thinking this way will make you feel awful about yourself and will just make matters so much worse.

Best of luck OP flowers

FreeFromHarm Mon 22-Aug-16 12:19:11

Do you live together OP, hope it all works out for you , you deserve better

ChildrenOrCats Mon 22-Aug-16 12:19:58

OP, I'm in a similar situation (minus the cheating)

DP has no sex drive, and any time I try to initiate the clown behaviour comes out. Silly noises, pulling faces, waving his hands about like he's flapping away a fly...

We've talked it over, it improves for a day, we'll enter a dry spell for a couple of months and repeat ad infinitum.

Most importantly, it's not you. It's really, really, not you. Do not allow his issues to be projected on to you. I have wasted more time than I'm willing to admit on wondering if it's how I look, what I'm doing wrong, how to tempt him into bed. It's humiliating and demoralising and you deserve so much more!

Don't waste any more time on this manchild. I am in the process of ending things, and I already feel like a weights been lifted. I deserve better than a man who has sex with me every other month when he feels like it's time for a duty fuck - and so do you.

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