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OH leaving us

(14 Posts)
Hasanyoneseenmysanity Mon 22-Aug-16 04:02:24

Never really posted on here before but I have spent a lot of time reading other threads and advice. Sorry if this is quite long!

I'll start with the basics. I have 3 DC, DD (6), DS1 (4) and DS2 (17 mo). Me and OH have been together 3 years and he recently moved in with us in April. He couldn't move in prior to that due to work commitments and the commute to his old workplace wouldn't have been feasible since neither of us drive. He did however stay as often as he could and has done his fair share of parenting even though he hasn't been able to be here permanently until recently. He has since got a job more local to us. Two oldest DD's are from a previous, abusive relationship.

Me and OH usually have a good relationship, although it hasn't been without its ups and downs. He cheated right at the beginning of the relationship but I didn't find out until we had been together for quite some time. I forgave him and we worked on things. That however isn't the issue now.

Basically to sum it up he has turned round tonight and said he wants to leave, he is unhappy and has been for some time. As far as I was aware everything has been fine between us.

Last night I was up all night downstairs til 6am with DS2 but left OH in bed til 11 as we agreed it was his sleep in. When he got up I explained I was tired and so I've been back to bed on and off during the day.

He's had a short temper throughout the day and shouted unnecessarily at the DC at bedtime. I admit I got annoyed and said I didn't think it was acceptable and we have spoken before about his short temper and maybe seeing someone to help with it. He immediately got on the defensive and told me to leave him be. I apologised for getting annoyed and took myself away from the situation.

I went to bed early because I was exhausted from last night. I woke up to a bang and him being snappy with DS3. Half asleep I asked what was going on and he immediately jumped on the defensive and said I was accusing him of hurting DS3 in some way. I didn't accuse him of anything, I simply woke up after hearing a bang and saw him getting angry and asked what was going on.

In the end I said I'd get up with DS3 again but was unhappy that he's off work and he said he would step in if he was up again tonight. He lost his temper with me and shouted at me to goto bed and stormed downstairs with DS3. I wasn't prepared to let him take our son in a temper so went down and brought DS3 back upstairs to try settle him back to sleep. I went back downstairs and he's said he's unhappy and that it's over.

I've tried to ask him why but all I get is that he's unhappy and tired. He wants his old life back and being with us was a mistake etc etc. He says I'm controlling and don't let him live his life. This is absolutely not true in the slightest. He has isolated himself from his friends since moving here and never makes an effort to keep in contact. He's been on the odd night out but that's it. I'm tired of telling him to make an effort with people and socialise, it just seems to fall on deaf ears. He has said that he never has any space or time to himself . I am constantly offering to take the kids out so he can relax a bit and I try to give him space on a night by going to bed early. I socialise as much as I can and I encourage him to do the same.

Whatever I say to him is met with him telling me he is leaving because he is unhappy and that's final. He has said he is sorting his things in the next couple of days and that's that. Nothing I say or do will change his mind.

I am beyond upset and hurt not just for myself but for the children. My oldest two love him to pieces. They don't have contact with their dad (his decision, I fought for him to see them but he chose not to) and have grown very close to OH.

Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to write it down somewhere as I can't sleep and I just feel awful. Sorry if I've missed bits out, I can't think straight.

VioletBam Mon 22-Aug-16 04:06:52

I'm sorry you're going through this flowers

Here's my advice. Don't allow him to take the control;. He thinks he can say he'll sort his things out in the next "couple of days" does he?


Tell him to get out now.

Call his bluff. I would bet MONEY that he won't/can't.

Has he got anywhere to go to?

Is your youngest son his son too?

RickOShay Mon 22-Aug-16 04:09:52

I am so sorry. It sounds like you have done everything you can and are supportive and reasonable, I would have reacted in the same way as you to his shouting at the children. I wish I had a magic wand, but I am here if you want a hand to hold. flowers

BroomhildaVonShaft Mon 22-Aug-16 04:10:26

Let him go. He's a stroppy, verbally aggressive man who isn't suited to family life. It sounds like you moved fast on having dc3 and he was completely unprepared and the reality is not working out for either of you.

tribpot Mon 22-Aug-16 04:12:47

He's told you what the problem is: He wants his old life back. Being a parent is too much like hard work. Shame he didn't figure that out sooner.

I'm guessing he hasn't often looked after the dc whilst you got some sleep?

I would let him know that you and the dc absolutely cannot live with someone who threatens to walk out. So either he commits to staying and learning what co-parenting is like, or he moves back out - and stays back out. There are no other options which are fair to them and you.

Hasanyoneseenmysanity Mon 22-Aug-16 04:13:27

Thank you for your reply.

He won't speak to me now, I suspect I won't get to speak to him until some point tomorrow now.

He said something about staying with someone from work but then it changed to getting stuff sorted over the next few days. You are right though, I need to ask him to just leave in the morning.

He has said he is going to speak to his mum tomorrow and see if he can move back home. I'm very close to his mum and I said I'd like to speak to her about the children, arranging her seeing them etc. He shot me down and told me to stay out of his life completely.

Youngest DS is his yes, although he has said he wants nothing to do with any of them. I honestly don't know if it's his anger talking or if he really means it.

Hasanyoneseenmysanity Mon 22-Aug-16 04:17:43

Sorry I've only just seen other replies since typing that one.

You are right, he is verbally abusive and that's something I have come to realise over time.

I was very hesitant about how quickly the relationship was moving but was assured by him that this was what he wanted, I feel like a fool now.

He can be such a wonderful parent and partner, but I am fully aware that this is all part of the cycle of abuse. I can't believe I let myself fall into it again.

I need to grow a pair and show him the door. I know that everything you have said is right. My children are my priority and I need to woman up and get on with my life without him in it.

Rainbowqueeen Mon 22-Aug-16 04:31:37

flowers for you

BroomhildaVonShaft Mon 22-Aug-16 04:33:09

That's right. He can act like a wonderful parent and partner for short periods when things are going his way and when he wants to. That doesn't make him a wonderful parent and partner because he can't/won't sustain it.

Hasanyoneseenmysanity Mon 22-Aug-16 04:37:58

I know you're right sad. I honestly thought he was the person he made me believe he was. Slowly though he has shown me otherwise.

I've started to realise the things he does and tonight has shown me clearly the type of person he is. I'm just so angry with myself for letting myself fall into this again.

Thank you for all your messages, I really do appreciate it.

Ditsy4 Mon 22-Aug-16 04:49:58

Sorry this has happened to you. If you have a joint account make sure he doesn't clear it before he goes. Sounds like he is too immature to have a family.

Hasanyoneseenmysanity Mon 22-Aug-16 05:00:07

Luckily we don't have a joint account, that was a lesson I learnt the hard way with my ex.

I'm just wondering how the hell he thinks he can stay for the next few days whilst he sorts himself out ?!

I really want to limit the impact this is going to have on the DC as much as possible and him being here with an atmosphere is just going to make things so much worse for them.

I think I may have to just take matters into my own hands and contact his parents in the morning to come and help move his things out sad.

I can't see any other way around this. He seems dead set in his decision and I can't force him to be somewhere and do something he ultimately doesn't want to do.

Squeegle Mon 22-Aug-16 05:24:05

You sound like you're getting your head round it. I would say to him in the morning, ok then, agree it's not working, please tell me when you are going.
Until he precaricates, don't contact his parents, that will just open you up to abuse? Let him make arrangements
If he does not, then warn him you will make arrangements for him
Try and stay calm to keep the overall temperature down and not worry the kids. If you are able to be detached about it this should reassure them. I suspect he will want to see them in time. He sounds like he's not kind to you. You deserve better. flowers sorry you are going through this.

Hasanyoneseenmysanity Mon 22-Aug-16 05:33:26

I have been through it before so I'm slowly recognising the behaviour again. The more I sit and think about the things he has said the angrier it's making me.

I'm not a confrontational person, I tend to just switch off and let him rant on rather than argue back.

I shall ask him in the morning to sort things out and make arrangements to leave and we shall take it from there.

I am very close to my family and my mum so I know I can always ask her to take the DC for a bit if I feel it is going to get out of hand.

My ultimate priority right now is my children and their happiness. I have been through much worse than this and survived so I will again.

It just hurts that he painted himself to be someone he clearly isn't. I honestly believed I would marry and grow old with this man. As I said before though, it's the DC I'm most hurt about.

If he decided he wants contact with them then of course I will allow and encourage it.

Thank you again for all the advice

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