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Feeling like I want my ex husband back(36 Posts)
The thing is we've been separated now for about 9 years. We have an amicable relationship but lately because I've spent a little time with him (children related - we have two children together) I've started to feel I miss him. I miss our conversations. I've tried having relationships with other people but they only seem interested in my looks and think I'm 'weird' (I have AS and so does he)
I feel as though the two of us do fit but he has had another girlfriend now, although it's on/off for the last 2 years. She's a nice person so I suppose I feel I shouldn't interfere there. But at the same time I don't get the impression he's mad about her.
I'm not really sure what to do with these strange emotions. Has anyone else ever felt this way? Is it possible it's just a phase? I don't necessarily think I should say anything to him but I can't understand why I suddenly want him back after so long?
Why did you split in the first place?
We have a child with SEN and I had become consumed with a tribunal against the council which I became obsessed with and I neglected him. Then, after it ended I became unwell because of the stress of the tribunal (I would spend all night up looking at stuff to do with education law etc)
He couldn't handle me being ill and became quite hostile. He's not a good communicator at all. I can't remember much about it except that we just split uo because it was felt that I wasn't well enough to undergo relationship counselling. I was only 27 when we split up and I didn't really understand a lot of my issues or how obsessive I am and the need to realise that.
So where does your child live, do you share care how do you co-parent. Do you know it's not unheard of but you don't want to bring this up and ruin any good relations that you do have.
Our two children live with me and he has them every other weekend. I have another child now too from a subsequent relationship (but he doesn't). He's very familiar with her and seems to get on well with her.
Has he given you any signs that heat be interested?
He doesn't communicate well. But I still feel there's a connection there.
I think it's not unheard of but it really depends on factors such as why you split (which you have obviously outlined above,) also, while you do have previous history (and children together obviously,) any thoughts of getting back together would need to be taken as a new relationship. there is history but it couldn't be history which would come with you both into any new situation.
FWIW I know someone who has started seeing their ex (from 25 years ago) after their partner died. Things have progressed very slowly but the one thing which they said was that things have been comfortable between them hence why it's been easy iyswim.
You say he's a crap communicator, but something obviously drew you together the first time round and got you to a point of splitting, therefore there is obviously some communication there. Where do you want to go from here? And do you think that he would be interested?
I split years ago from first dh. Had 3ds. He worked full time but never lifted a finger in the house or had any sort of relationship with the kids. We split up and got along OK. After 6 months we got back together - within 2 weeks I regretted it. Still didn't bother with the kids - split for good and can't believe I thought he had really changed. Buy a big wet fish and slap yourself around the face with it!!
When we were married I could not say he wasn't a good husband - he cooked, helped look after our dds from birth. He's one of those people who just gets on with it without moaning. But then he often would say he was too tired to talk if I needed to take some time to do that.
I think that having a severely disabled child is a test for any relationship tbh.
For me it's complicated because I was unwell and I had 6 weeks in a psych ward. After being wrongly diagnosed with bipolar and BPD it's generally thought that I have AS which I think fits better. I think I hurt him because I must have become so distant. we never discussed the split properly. He does find practical things like housework difficult. But as I said, because we're both autistic I think. I feel as though I've done a lot of growing up in the last 8 years.
I don't know whether he would forgive me. We can still have good discussions and I'm left feeling I want to spend more time with him. One problem is my horribly dysfunctional family. My parents are toxic and never liked him. They don't like anyone (whole other thread)
Friends of mine divorced, then several years later got back together. The are both amazing, individually and as a couple, and i guess they now know the worst about each other. They are a better couple, the second time around. I love them both to bits!
I am not sure whether to raise it with him or not or what kind of reaction it would get.
I know a couple (now early 60s) who split up about 20 years ago and got back together after a few years apart. They've been gappy together for years again. It must work for some people.
I empathise. My h left 2 years ago, for the OW, and there just are times when I wish he hadn't gone or would come back. When we have contact its like he knows me, there is so much I don't need to say because he just gets it. I have a lot more fun now, am more adventurous, and life's good......but there just are times like you describe. Personally, I try to remember the bad bits, and recognise that the landscape has changed so it wouldn't be like it was before. I wonder, and I'm sorry if this is too personal, but it sounds a bit like you blame yourself for what happened, for not meeting his needs. And I am thinking that you were a partnership, he was supposed to be there to share the pressure, to help you keep a perspective, not to leave because he felt neglected.
I echo the words of theo. I was in a pretty shoddy state for months when my ex left me for, as Iater discovered, OW. I consistently blamed myself. I obviously wasn't enough. Whilst it does take two to make a relationship it only ultimately takes one to break it. I put the effort in, I tried but he threw that all back at me. Only in the past 6 months have I realised the extent of his projection. The vile diatribe he hurled at me and it was HE that left. Now I too lead an adventurous life. Loads of new friends (no longer isolated), new caring partner, more time spent on me and not looking after a man who was barely around.
Life isn't all rosy and I do think about him often, wishing he would return but I focus on the bad parts, that vitriol hurled at me and... no thanks.
How long have you felt like this? I'd say that if you still feel the same in 1-2 months then yeah say something. Feelings change.
Give it a bit of time and see how you feel,OP. and try to do stuff to take your mind off him in the meantime so it doesn't eat you up too much
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