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Marriage over?

(19 Posts)
Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 19:43:55

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable with my thoughts I just don't know and think maybe writing it down here may help. I've also not long had a baby, 11 weeks old so could just be hormones.
I'm not sure if I love my husband anymore it's like he's not the same person and there's so much he does that really irritates me or that I find really wrong and whenever I voice this to him he goes mad.
He's not a bad person he works hard, I'd a good dad and can be really fun and funny to be around but there are some major things that really bother me and i don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
A few examples
He can be really aggressive, never hit me but can be very full on. He has humiliated me in front of friends when drunk in the past by being aggressive towards then as well
He is so rude to my family. Once they cam down and he refused to spend any tome with them it was so rude and embarrassing. It was impossible to explain why he wouldn't go out with them on any attached trips.
He pretty much has no friends he has pushed them all away, he can be really unreliable saying he will go to things then cancelling really last minute using some pathetic excuse usually involving me.
We haven't had sex since I fell pregnant and he mentions this daily
He sweats at our eldest when he gets mad and tells him off, not everytime but I do feel this is really bad, I've told him this on numerous occasions but just goes off on one.
I don't feel I can talk to him about my thoughts as he just won't listen and will like just go off. If ever I say anything he will just reply like "yeah it's all my fault I'm a terrible person etc etc" even when I'm not saying that about him.
He does have many redeeming points obviously he's not all bad I'm just confused with my thoughts.
Thanks for reading

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 19:45:10

Sorry that was laden with autocorrected spelling errors!!!

greenfolder Sun 21-Aug-16 19:46:04

You don't sound confused. You sound lucid and are describing a man who is isolating you and treating you badly.

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 19:50:07

He is isolating you are right. I obviously enjoy spending time with family he is just so negative about it. They're my family it's not fair. I just don't know how to truly express this because he just shuts off and won't listen to me.

bluebeck Sun 21-Aug-16 19:55:10

It does sound pretty awful. The fact he shuts off and won't listen to you doesn't leave you very much wriggle room for resolving issues does it. He just wants you to shut the fuck up.

What do you want to happen now? You say you don't think you love him any more. I don't think I would either. Can you get RL support?

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 20:15:56

You're so right he does just want me to shut up. And that's the problem has just won't listen and when he does he puts words into my mouth that I haven't even said, walks off to bed then the next morning It's either are you ready to apologise or he'll act like nothing has happened. If he would just listen to me and take on board what I'm saying and be prepared to actually work on it I wouldn't mind, it's like he's oblivious. We never talk about these sort of things when he's home from work he's pretty much straight on his phone or tablet and is in bed before our children are and watching TV! I don't know about rl support I really don't know who I would turn to. I have some very good close friends just not sure how to even raise something like this!

PickAChew Sun 21-Aug-16 20:52:22

He's a twat. Loud and clear. A sulky, immature, volatile twat. Of course you don't feel close to him.

My family were never good enough for my ex. Glad I got rid.

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:05:26

What happened with your ex and your family if you don't mind me asking? My family have invited us on a holiday and I haven't even mentioned it to him yet,perhaps I'm seconding guessing but I'm sure he will refuse. I would obviously still go but it's embarrassing!

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-16 21:11:13

How can you stand to be with him? He sounds frightening and volatile.

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:13:55

He is. But he isn't all bad, no one is,he has his good points of course I just feel the bad points are getting worse if that makes sense? And I guess it's also the shame perhaps? I don't particularly want to get divorced and be a single mother, when we go together things moved pretty quickly people might be a bit like I told you so? And how do I even go about beginning discussions of ending things I wouldn't know where to begin?

bikerlou Sun 21-Aug-16 21:18:14

Heard of emotional abuse? My first husband was an expert at it, it eventually turned into physical violence.
I don't know if you've been following Rob Titchener on the Archers.
Just because there is no physical violence does not mean it isn't abuse.
Separating you from your family, him having no friends, these are all problem signs.
My advice to you would be to get some expert counselling via your GP and try and work it out with somebody properly trained.

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:20:39

No I haven't followed that archers person. So as simple as going to the doctors explaining the situation and asking for counselling? And that can all be kept on the down low from my husband? I do think he may be battling with something, depression perhaps? He hasn't had the easiest of lives, nothing that bad but troubled childhood etc. He pushes his own family away as well not just mine!

PickAChew Sun 21-Aug-16 21:45:44

It was subtle and took years, Pina. My parents had pets, which he couldn't spend time near (he now has one of his own - twat), they didn't do Christmas right, they didn't even believe in it properly (his mum went to church once a year, his dad, never). I became an expectation to spend a couple of weeks at a time staying with his parents, but somehow, there was never time to go see mine (we were several hours away from either set of parents).

He constantly took the piss out of one of my younger siblings, had tantrums when playing a board game that we beat him at more than once, took the piss out of them some more....

Interestingly, when we stayed with his parents, he reverted right back to teenager mode, even at nearly 30. The way he and his brother talked to his parents was quite disgusting, sometimes.

It was only when my sibling got married without me even knowing about it, years down the line, that I realised how big a rift had been created. I was already feeling pissed off about other stuff - lots of subtle but real EA and generally being sick and tired of all the drama around him - that I thought stuff it, drew a line, made a point of visiting my family alone and getting to know them again and refusing to spend more than 2-3 nights staying with his. I was a fucking grown up with a fucking full time job and owned my own fucking home, ffs! Tough shit if he didn't like it!

PickAChew Sun 21-Aug-16 21:48:19

Mine had depression, too. So not an excuse for being a controlling twat.

PickAChew Sun 21-Aug-16 21:49:42

You need counselling alone, btw - not with him. It'd just give him more stuff to berate you for.

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:53:00

Thanks for sharing, sounds awful
I do still seems family they live away like yours and we see each other as often as possible once month perhaps but in the run up to their visit it's constant bitchy comments and negativity. Usually he's then fine when they're here but their most recent trip he just refused to come with me to see them when they were down and it was so strange. They're coming for Christmas and he's already constantly moaning about it. Constantly. Saying how we can make our excuses to leave it's going to ruin his Christmas because they're coming down and how I am never forced to see his family over Christmas which is just completely untrue we see them every year! I suppose half the problem is he will be a total that foe ages then all of a sudden be absolutely fine again and like the person he was when we first met! He's just always got something to say about my friends or my family or what I'm doing. I'm not perfect in our relationship I know I'm not but I'm certain I'm not as bad as he is! I think I'm starting to think the way you did, tough shit if he doesn't like it I'll do what I want. Did you particularly explain yourself to your family when he didn't visit with you? Or not?

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 21:55:09

Sorry posted after your first post didn't see your subsequent posts. Yeah I wouldn't particularly want joint counselling. He has this wonderful idea that I'm losing the plot because I'm on maternity leave. I'm not. He will sometimes also come out and say i have pnd but in a derogatory way rather than a concerned way. I don't have pnd as I have no concerns with my mental health or my children just our marriage!

PickAChew Sun 21-Aug-16 22:34:11

I didn't explain anything to them. Didn't need to and simply enjoyed meals out, trips to the cinema, takeaways etc without anyone's twisty face spoiling things! When I eventually got around to making plans to leave him, my dad said he was glad to be getting his daughter back.

He did turn nastier before I left him. And started to get really fucking creepy when he realised he was losing me. I should really have left a long time before I did because I really couldn't disguise my disdain for him any longer and had got to a point where I was scared of him (aforementioned creepy stuff). Unfortunately, I also had a financial mess to untangle before I left - suspect a gambling addiction was at the core of that one.

It was a rather complex mess and I can safely say, if you feel like you're always walking on eggshells with a sulky manchild, then being a single parent will be no worse and will be a lot more relaxed.

Pina64 Sun 21-Aug-16 23:38:24

Yeah that's exactly it, walking on egg shells a lot of the time, not sure how he will react to things, it's ridiculous really I'm an adult i should be able to do what I want without worrying about someone else's negative opinion on everything!
I'm glad you managed to get away from the situation you were in, and get close to your family again

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