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Just completely messed up acting with dignity and restraint

(23 Posts)
Notgoingtobeamug Sun 21-Aug-16 12:30:43

Ahhhhhh, why did I have to snap!

2 weeks on from "D"P leaving me for OW. When he isn't with her we manage to have civil conversations about DS. I have twigged on to his mind games (telling me he had broken up with OW then finding out they were on a romantic mini break etc blah blah blah). Anyway, I've told him to stop lying to me and to only talk to me about DS.

The problem is that when he calls and he is with her I turn into a snarly foul mouthed psycho. He talks to me so differently when she is there that I see red and snap. I then leave spiteful voicemails and lose evey bit of dignity I have worked so hard for. I've asked him not to call me about DS when he is with her but that doesn't seem possible as he is with her constantly when he doesn't have DS.

How do people cope when they are in this situation? I can't bear to here her talking to ex in the background and coughing loudly but I have to be there to help DS with the phone as he isn't even 3 yet.

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-16 12:33:40

It's horrible, isn't it? I think I'd tell him to text only - that way you won't have to hear them together. My ex used to do the same but I used to say, "Is that your mum with you?" He'd say no, then I'd say again, "Oh sorry, just it sounded like her." He stopped talking to me when she was nearby.

RebelRogue Sun 21-Aug-16 12:38:21

Switch contact to email only. Ignore calls until he gets the point. Not only will you have proof of communication,contact agreements etc if you ever need it but you won't know if he's with her or not,and even if you do,you have time to cool off while you write a reply

Notgoingtobeamug Sun 21-Aug-16 12:45:54

DS likes to face time his dad, I guess I'm going to have to stop it for my own sanity.

RebelRogue Sun 21-Aug-16 12:57:27

How old is ds? Can he skype instead? Or facetime on his own?x

Notgoingtobeamug Sun 21-Aug-16 13:06:20

He is nearly 3.

Ex is saying I can't stop him calling DS when he is with OW. Would I be being unreasonable to not let him call DS when he is with her? I just want ex to go to a different bloody room so I don't have to see/hear her.

headinhands Sun 21-Aug-16 13:10:51

Gosh op how difficult for you. I think it is unreasonable though to say he can't call dc when he's with her. Put in ear plugs? Or put headphones on him?

VimFuego101 Sun 21-Aug-16 13:13:03

If you can hear her, presumably DS can too, and I don't think he should have to know about the existence of another woman 2 weeks after his parents separated. YANBU at all, but not sure how you can enforce it. I'd just set up the FaceTime call and leave DS to it, even if that means he hangs up the phone.

sophiestew Sun 21-Aug-16 13:13:29

OK, I am afraid it makes you sound rather feeble saying X can't call when he is with OW.

What I would do, is leave DS with the phone and walk away (observe from a safe distance maybe) and if, as you say, DS cannot manage the phone/convo then hopefully x will get swiftly fed up with trying.

He can't insist that you facilitate the phone calls any more than you can insist he doesn't call you when he is with OW.

Or just don't answer the phone/do the facetiming. Nothing he can do about that either.

antimatter Sun 21-Aug-16 13:14:25

Some people have separate phone and email for contacting ex's. It may work for you. He can call his son at arrangedctime. Other times thst phone is switched off and in the drawer.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Sun 21-Aug-16 13:18:10

You're not saying 'you can't facetiming ds' you're saying 'please facetime ds with a bit of consideration for my feelings (as your child's mother if for no other reason).'

If his answer boils down to 'I insist that facetime MUST include rubbing your face in OW, and I refuse to do this in another room from her' then it's pretty clear that facetime is more about manipulating you than his relationship with ds and he's left you little choice but to stop facetime and he can see ds at contact. His behaviour, his choice.

thanks You may in time reach the point of being 'meh' about OW coughing or dancing on the coffee table in a gorilla suit, but two weeks on is too insensitive to be anything less than some kind of powerplay.

Boolovessulley Sun 21-Aug-16 13:20:47

I'd go with e mail only.
Or if he insists on calling the do as Sophie suggests and walk away.

Either your son will handle the phone himself or he won't.
The ball is in his court as to whether he persists I phoning.
I sympathise op as my ex always gas the ow in the background and she couldn't resist chirping into the conversation when it was fuck all to do with her.

Prepare to accept that your ex will put the ow first and that is entirely his decision and one he will have to face.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Sun 21-Aug-16 13:21:35

Also willing to bet if you had an unknown (to him) man wandering around in the background and talking to you while he was facetiming ds ex would be telling you all kinds of things about who/what you can expose his child to in no uncertain terms.

May be worth trying this but then I'm evil

bikerlou Sun 21-Aug-16 13:22:17

Well when I got divorced (happily remarried now for the last 15 years) there was no way I was going to be civil to my ex, he was a moron.
All I can say to reassure you is that in time you will both get bored with it all and move on. Time is a great healer.
20 years later if my adult son has his father round and I turn up to visit I can just about be civil for the evening for my son's sake but I still think my ex (who never married again) is a complete waste of time.

Boolovessulley Sun 21-Aug-16 13:22:58

In fact having thought about it now he had a ow do t let him ring you at random times.
He is no longer part of your life and as such you are not prepared to facilitate him.
If he wants to speak to your son they could he increase his access visits?

Notgoingtobeamug Sun 21-Aug-16 13:41:31

Ex has DS every other weekend and Tuesday night. He speaks to DS on Face time maybe 2/3 times a week Last weekend was his first weekend though and he brought DS back Sunday morning saying he thought we could spend a family day together. I went along with it because it meant I got to see DS on the Sunday when it wasn't my weekend.

I just think I don't need my face rubbed in it. He could easily go into a different room for 3 mins (DS attention span not much longer than that).

He also keeps telling me I need to stop calling OW names as it's disrespectful to him! "Er well sorry I don't respect that you were shagging ow for 8 months before I found out and she knew I existed. "

He is still refusing to contribute towards DS nursery fees (claiming he has no money) and I can't help but explode when I hear they are in a restaurant or hotel and she is posting statuses about being "spoilt by her perfect man".

It's all just so raw. DS asks to call his dad all the time but I can't handle it.

sophiestew Sun 21-Aug-16 13:54:44

1. Go directly to child maintenance services (or whatever they are called these days) and they will sort out maintenance for you. You should get 15% of X take home pay as a minimum.

2. No more playing happy families with days out together. It's a mind fuck for you and confusing for DS. He probably only did it because looking after DS alone was too much like hard work.

3. Call her something else. My friend called the OW "Loveliness" which used to crack her up as she knew she was being sarky, but XH couldn't really complain.

4. Block him/OW on all social media. Tracking what they are doing is self harming. Stop it now.

5. Give yourself a break. You have had an awful shock and your world has come tumbling down around you. It's only been a few weeks and you all need time to adjust. I promise you it gets easier, all of it.

Allalonenow Sun 21-Aug-16 14:13:33

Well, sadly you are at the start of a very long and painful road, and you must do what is best for your own sanity and peace of mind.

If hearing the OW in the background is upsetting you so much, then simply stop making/answering calls to Ex. When Ds wants to make a call distract him with something else.
You have asked nicely for some consideration from Ex, but he has refused. He is making sure that you know that HE is in control, so take back some control yourself.

Try to resist OW's FaceCrap, as that is also upsetting you, remember she is trying to paint a "perfect" picture of their life together, she is probably hoping that you are reading it!

GodImbored Sun 21-Aug-16 14:28:03

After my exh left, the dc used to call him at bedtime and it was a disaster. They invariably went to bed in tears because he didn't always answer his phone then they would wait for him to call back getting more and more anxious and I would have to deal with the fallout. One dc hates talking on the phone anyway and the other who was older couldn't understand why he wasn't at home any more.

Five years on there is no phone or email contact whatsoever, just a contact arrangement in place (not enough if you ask me but regular) and it is way easier.

I think your child is too young for all that face timing anyway. It's confusing for him. He sees his father regularly anyway so just stick to that.

It must be hard for you. There is NO WAY I would be speaking to him on the phone with the ow next to him.

MatildaTheCat Sun 21-Aug-16 14:45:07

Family day? confused Fuck that. He broke the family so there are no family days.

If he wants to chat with ds and have FaceTime then it has to be facilitated by you which means your rules. If he disregards them you cut the call. Respond only to emails and ignore the calls if it's easier for now.

Only two weeks in is nothing. He's a cruel person to be treating you like this so be gentle, get RL support and have no qualms about setting boundaries and keeping to them. flowers

Bambamrubblesmum Sun 21-Aug-16 15:04:52

You're going to need to get tough. Not emotional tough but cold business like tough.

Firstly get a claim initiated through CMS. He doesn't get to choose whether he pays maintenance or not. Presumably he's got money for treats and broadband/phone contract for all this face timing. This is money your child is entitled to not something to be negotiated by either parent.

Wean DS off face timing your ex. He has loads of access time. What your ex is effectively doing is manipulating your time with your son to exert control over you. It's not just about rubbing your face in it, it's also making sure your new life revolves around him.

No more family days out. It will be very confusing for your DS and stop him coming to terms with the new situation.

Communicate only through text or email and stick to it. You must put firm boundaries in place to protect yourself and give your child stability. This tension is no good for anyone.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 21-Aug-16 15:36:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LesisMiserable Mon 22-Aug-16 22:35:18

Do what you need to do. Fuck dignity its overrated at times. Follow your gut. If it winds you up for him to phone then he can only text/email. It's rubbish, that fluttering in your chest when the anger rises. Turns the best of us loopy.

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