Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do men........

(12 Posts)
Busty99 Sun 21-Aug-16 11:40:43

My XH and I were married for 20 years. He had a 'mid life crisis'......had an affair with someone he worked with.Left me and our 2 children, as he wanted to be single and go out and do things......even though he did go out and do what he wanted whilst we were married. 5 years on, our 2 children are late teens, independent etc. Whilst XH has moved in with OW and her young daughter. OW's daughter is a similar age that our children were when he decided to be single and didn't want the responsibility of family and children. They are now, as a couple, doing all the things he would never do with me, weekends away, holidays without children etc. Why could he not do those things with me/us but can now do them with someone else and someone else's child? I have friends in a similar position and who say the's like what we wanted to do was a complete no no but now all of a sudden they can do these things.....with OW other people's children.

Mittensonastring Sun 21-Aug-16 11:58:03

I'm afraid it's because he does actually want to please the OW but was never bothered about pleasing you. As horribly painful as that is he is really not worth the headspace of pondering over.

I really hate the whole men are this and women are that but I find that on the whole women dwell far more on matters of emotion whereas men can move on far more quickly and just compartmentalise things.

Busty99 Sun 21-Aug-16 12:09:48

Thank you Mittensonastring, you are quite right men can move on much quicker than women. I try not to dwell on things these days as it only upsets me. I've moved on with my life now. I'm thinking about it today as I know they are somewhere this weekend that he would never take me, even though I asked every year if I could go with him. Thanks again.

NewlyNamedMe Sun 21-Aug-16 12:17:26

Does he feel more independence from the OW child though. Its her responsibility so he doesn't have the worries he had with yours as his own? For examlle onholiday he might be able to swim, sunbathe, drink or whatever without having the shared responsibilities of going with you. So its not you but his desire to be his version of independent?

NewlyNamedMe Sun 21-Aug-16 12:17:54

Do I make sense?

GodImbored Sun 21-Aug-16 12:24:12

Maybe he's still at the trying to impress stage. Im sure he'll show his true colours sooner or later.

I know someone on his third marriage and god knows how many relationships in between and he takes on the new kids acting like superdad but ignores his own from his first marriage.

Busty99 Sun 21-Aug-16 12:25:24

Thank you Newly, yes I think there could be an element of that. As you say the child is her responsibility not his. They go on long haul holidays and leave her child at home, I/we wouldn't do that when ours were young as we didn't think it was fair on the children plus the grandparents who would be looking after them. But, now it is OW who has to find someone to look after the child and also (maybe) feel guilty leaving her behind. I did ask every year if we could go on a long weekend without our children but he would never do that either.....but did manage to go on a few golfing weekends abroad with his 'mates' whilst I stayed at home to look after our children. Thanks again.

Busty99 Sun 21-Aug-16 12:32:27

Thanks GodImbored, I feel like I've given
him all the ideas to impress everything they are doing is what I asked to do with him 😆. You feel for the children in the situations you mentioned, how many dads/uncles do they get!!!!

pallasathena Sun 21-Aug-16 17:21:42

Maybe she's more demanding/assertive or maybe, if he doesn't step up to the plate she'll find a newer, shinier model. He's probably just doing as he's told because if he didn't, she'd tell him to bugger off.
And because there's a different balance of power.

sallyhasleftthebuilding Sun 21-Aug-16 17:30:56

My X dis this - maybe they finally realised you were right? You were right to want a change of environment and do different stuff see new things - only when he lost you did he sit up and think about it?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Aug-16 17:58:03

I'm sorry to hear that it's still a bit raw for your, OP but I agree with Mittensonastring; he's now motivated to do these things with the OW and he's doing them because he wants to.

It doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with but I think you'll eventually need to come to terms with the possibility that a) he doesn't need any prompting, he just wants to, and b) you didn't 'train' him and mould him - this is nothing to do with you.

As hard as it may seem, perhaps he and OW are better suited than you and he were. I know it's a common sop here to say that he will treat her badly too but please, for your sake, don't count on that. They could be happy together for the duration now.

I've been where you are and it was only when I stopped asking myself why? and trying to make sense of what I actually had no knowledge of and actually disengaged my thoughts from them that I accepted what had happened and made a new life for myself.

arsenaltilidie Sun 21-Aug-16 18:25:13

It's completely normal for that to happen.
It doesn't reflect anything on you.

Maybe he realised children grow so fast.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now