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Why is dh like this. What to do

(69 Posts)
leopardspice Sun 21-Aug-16 10:20:23

My dh is usually a nice calm gentle guy. We have been together 10 years and married for 4. I love him and we have a DC together.

In last 12m when we have been at a party or celebration etc and he has gotten drunk (on occasion very very drunk) he has started to say things to me which are offensive and unjustified eg critical of my looks and style and on the last night out he called me a slut. It was out of the blue and there isn't really any context (is it needed?)
I was upset and didn't want to speak to him but still wanted to have a nice night so carried on dancing etc which made him think we were OK and I'd forgiven it. I later made it clear I was still upset and he said I was sending him mixed signals by dancing with him etc.
I argued that why should I sit in the corner upset I wanted to have a good time! Or at least try to. It quickly escalated (he was more drunk by now. I wasn't drunk) and he started to get aggressive in how he was speaking to me (he's very clever he doesn't shout but he speaks in a low aggressive tone when he does this) he then started calling me a joke and a dick hmm and when I started crying he was calling me an 'actor'
How do I handle this and what is next? I've told him I don't need to live with this. I even said to him before we went on the night out to please be nice to me when he's drunk because I knew this would happen.
Will this ever change or is it over?

ElspethFlashman Sun 21-Aug-16 10:21:57

In vino veritas.

Aussiemum78 Sun 21-Aug-16 10:22:24

Unless he is horrified when he sobers up, and promises not to drink again then this is the real him.

I'm sorry

tribpot Sun 21-Aug-16 10:23:54

I wouldn't be attending any social functions with him in future unless he stayed sober. He can stay at home whilst you go out so your night isn't ruined by his behaviour.

notapizzaeater Sun 21-Aug-16 10:24:42

Wow, has he apologised for calling you a slut ? I couldn't be with any man that calls me names enough to make me cry.

Does he realise how he is when he's drunk ?

OneArt Sun 21-Aug-16 10:25:22

This would bother me a lot. Especially as you say it's only been happening in the last 12 months. Have you tried talking to him about it when he is sober?

leopardspice Sun 21-Aug-16 10:25:50

Thanks for the quick responses!!
elspeth I've said the same thing..that it's obviously how he really feel about me and it comes out when he's drink.
aussie the next day he is remorseful and full of sorry but this has happened on more than one occasion and I feel like that old saying 'trick me once shame on you trick me twice shame on me' He hasn't cut down the drinking although he has said now he will...is the only thing I can do wait and see if he's 'better next time' I'm emotionally drainedsad

leopardspice Sun 21-Aug-16 10:29:07

When he's sober he is like "I didn't mean it...I'm so sorry I don't want to loose you etc" but then it happens again.
On the last occasion after he called me a slut and it was starting to escalate with him getting more drunk and before we got to the "joke" and "dick" parts I was pleading with him to just stop and stop talking about it and saying how he was making this situation worse but that seemed to anger him more. And the next day when he was sober again I pointed out that I had tried to stop the conversation and told him he was making it worse and he's sorry for it but at the time he's like a dog with a bone

APlaceOnTheCouch Sun 21-Aug-16 10:32:45

Whether this will change depends on why it started. Either he is just showing his true colours now or something has changed in the last 12 months.
As a PP said he needs to be the one apologising, saying it's unacceptable and working to change.
You need to have firm boundaries around what you will accept. Find your self-respect. Regardless of how much you enjoy a night out, its not worth being called a slut. Go out with friends instead.

ElspethFlashman Sun 21-Aug-16 10:34:31

But the problem isn't the drinking is it?

(Well maybe he's hurtling into a drinking problem, but that's another story)

The issue is that he gleefully let's these words fly out of his mouth and attack you. He thinks them and he believes them.

Of course he's going to say "I didn't mean it". What is he supposed to say in the harsh light of day? "Well I meant it at the time and wanted to fuck you up and make you cry and beg, but that makes me sound like a prick".

Even if he never drinks again (unlikely) will you always be left wondering if he's muttering these things under his breath every time you have a disagreement?

No way to live.

I'd start thinking about counselling if I were you. You need to get to the bottom of this.

BertieBotts Sun 21-Aug-16 10:40:48

I don't think 'I didn't mean it' really cuts it, does it?

If I'd called my partner awful names when drunk and the next day he called me out on it and said he was upset i wouldn't brush it off with oh, I didn't mean that at all. I'd be really horrified and upset that I could say those things. I'd feel terrible about the upset I'd caused. Saying he didn't really mean it is a cop out. Ask him what he did mean then, because he obviously meant something. And saying he doesn't want to lose you? hmm it's all about him isn't it?

I know it seems isolated but I would really be seeing this as a deal breaker. Someone you love and who is supposed to support you is not supposed to say unkind things that hurt you. It almost sounds like he's building up resentment during everyday life which comes out when he's drunk but then he's upset afterwards because he doesn't actually want to end the relationship.

What about couples counselling? Do you think he might be open to it?

leopardspice Sun 21-Aug-16 10:41:57

I'm sorry I don't want to drip feed but as I'm getting responses I can see things that may be related
We had our first baby in the last 12m I go back to work next month. Money is fine but I know he is concerned about that. In suppose this could be the issue but I'm always there to talk to when he's sober

DoreenLethal Sun 21-Aug-16 10:43:34

If he doesn't mean it then why say it once, let alone more than?

I mean, I rarely say things I don't mean as the thought isn't in my head so if it is coming out of his mouth, then the thought is there already.

BertieBotts Sun 21-Aug-16 10:43:54

Ok, perhaps deal breaker is a bit quick, but I feel like he needs to pick a side here. Either he's unhappy enough to want to emotionally hurt you in retaliation, in which case he needs to leave. Or he loves and values you enough to want to stay, which means he owes you the respect of talking about the things which are bothering him so you can work out if they are worth working out.

BertieBotts Sun 21-Aug-16 10:45:01

Hmm ok baby in last 12m and this starting in last 12m are not great signs. Babies change things.

leopardspice Sun 21-Aug-16 10:45:12

bertie and elspeth your so right. It is all about him and it is like he resents me.
People on rl would be absolutely SHOCKED by this. He has a real nice guy family persona.
I will suggest councilling I think but in my heart I feel like it's never going to change....I'm surprised I've had no LTB responses right now that's how I feel

BertieBotts Sun 21-Aug-16 10:47:50

Well that was what I meant by deal breaker. .. In all honesty, it doesn't look good, but I think it's probably worth exploring with counselling or similar. It's when there is abuse that counselling isn't recommended and whole his outbursts are verbally abusive, this doesn't come across as an abuse situation overall.

leopardspice Sun 21-Aug-16 10:48:59

I do think there is some underlying issue here and I do think councilling would be the best step if I'm going to try and make it work because I don't think I alone can find out what the underlying issue is

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Sun 21-Aug-16 10:50:06

From what I have read in MN over the years, abuse often starts after the birth of the first child. i wouldn't hang around, it will only escalate.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sun 21-Aug-16 10:51:29

Sounds really awful. I had a friend who would use me as her Berber punch bag each time she had a drink. She would pretend she didn't remember any of it the next day.
I chose not to see her anymore.

Has his behaviour changed in other ways? Most phone secrecy or going out etc?

PamDooveOrangeJoof Sun 21-Aug-16 10:52:55

Don't they say not to have joint counselling with someone who is abusive?

Yes I would be worried about the fact it's a very common time for abuse to start.

12purpleapples Sun 21-Aug-16 10:52:56

People in real life might be less shocked than you think, if you were to confide in someone you trusted.

Trifleorbust Sun 21-Aug-16 10:59:24

I think you need to get to the bottom of where his obvious resentment of you is coming from. It's not good enough for him to say he didn't mean it. He said it and it isn't the first time. Counselling sounds good at this stage, but if he escalates his behaviour or it doesn't stop, don't keep flogging a dead horse as it can make it worse (counselling will take a 'no fault' approach and look at the relationship, so isn't appropriate in abusive situations where a power imbalance exists).

ElspethFlashman Sun 21-Aug-16 10:59:48

I think counselling for yourself might be the way to start. Just to get your head straight. And yes, I would be wary of joint counselling with someone who you feel is going to do this stuff again.

He is The Nice Guy. That is his persona to the world and probably his persona to himself. He may never be able to accept he has an Inner Prick.

So in rejecting it he has to either make you look like you're totally over reacting and are a bit unbalanced in what was "just" an argument,

Or it escalated partly because of you anyway (he's already said you were partly at fault for dancing with him and not shutting him down better).

leopardspice Sun 21-Aug-16 11:00:22

No other changes in behaviour I have full access to his phone and re going out...no more than usual. He does have a time consuming hobby which he does 3x a week and so he's getting loads of 'me' time it's not like he's home straight from work every day he has a lot of freedoms which many people with small babies don't have
12purpleapples your probably right...

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