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What would you do in this situation?

(23 Posts)
AwayWithTheFairyFolk Sun 21-Aug-16 10:09:06

Keeping purposely vague.

Love somebody a lot, been together three years. Early 40s.

If you found out they had been lying to you. If they had said they couldn't afford to do something together but then you found out that they had done it with another person (so could afford to, just not with you). For your birthday you got cheap flowers but found that they got somebody else a beautiful, expensive gift you would have loved.

Financially independent. No lasting ties so could go no contact.

But you felt your life would be empty and emotionally lacking without them. You can't imagine going no contact as it would hurt too much. Could you put up with the rubbish and feeling second best just to keep them in your life if that made your life better?

I think I know the answer, I'm just not brave enough to make that step.

brightspark2 Sun 21-Aug-16 10:13:00

Who are the somebody elses?

12purpleapples Sun 21-Aug-16 10:14:29

You obviously do know the answer. I'm sorry that you are having to face this. Don't ever do things that make you feel second best.
I was previously in a situation where I had similar doubts about what the future held. I can't describe how liberating it is to have got out, moved on, and after a period of being single/dating to know that there are decent men out there, and now to be in a very happy relationship with a lovely one.
Good luck flowers

sofato5miles Sun 21-Aug-16 10:14:54

Just not a good sign of the love and respect that they feel for you. Plsying second fiddle will hurt more in the long run that a painful break up now.

Heratnumber7 Sun 21-Aug-16 10:16:51

Depends on the somebody else. Eg a sick parent might take precedence over a girlfriend.

mamas12 Sun 21-Aug-16 10:17:50

What a sad life you would have because it would be you putting yourself second ever time time knowing this
You abstaining from the relTionsip in favour of the someone else in his life
You knowing that you are se ond choice, or oh the someone else can't make it so I'll go with fairy folk
You basically not living your life to the full.
Please work on your self esteem you are worth more than this.

AwayWithTheFairyFolk Sun 21-Aug-16 10:27:51

Multiple others, not just one. Some are family but also a few other women. Not cheating as such but willing to splash the cash and impress others but never me. Will take female colleague to Mitchelin star lunch as a birthday treat, I might get a cheap takeaway.

magoria Sun 21-Aug-16 10:31:51

Get rid.

He is showing you just how little you mean to him.

You may love him but he barely respects you.

He lies and prefers to treat others.

The only reason I can see a man being this generous with random other women is in the hopes of getting in their knickers.

He doesn't need to do that with you any more.

Resilience16 Sun 21-Aug-16 11:00:52

The longer you stay with him, the more your self esteem will be ground down. You will start to believe you ARE only worthy of being second best, which in turn will make it harder for you to leave...rinse and repeat.
What happens if you comment on his behaviour? Does he lie, get angry, try and turn it back round on you? What exactly are you getting out if this relationship? What are his good points,if any?
You deserve better than this. Be brave, move on. You are worth more x

SandyY2K Sun 21-Aug-16 11:18:24

If the somebody else was another woman, then I'd end it. If it was a relative of theirs, then I might leave it be.

I'd expect more than cheap flowers after 3 years, but that would depend on what I buy the person for their birthday.

If I felt that this person didn't value me as much as I did them, then I'd start looking for their replacement and keep using them in the meanwhile for whatever they were useful for, then I'd dump them.

Whoever cares least in a relationship, has the power in the relationship.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Sun 21-Aug-16 11:21:16

why do you want to be second best?

SandyY2K Sun 21-Aug-16 12:37:13

Well as it involves other women in any shape or form I'd be gone, whether he was cheating or not.

I'd have told him to keep his cheap flowers and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.

People treat you how you allow them to in life. What does he do to show he actually cares about you?

It's obvious you value this relationship way more than he does. What is your relationship like with him aside from the things you've mentioned?

There's something he must be getting out of the relationship with you or he'd have dumped you by now. That could be you treating him well, you giving him an ego boost, sex... there has to be something in it for him. What sort of things do you do for him?

You are emotionally invested and he's not. Start detaching from him in your mind. Wean yourself off him by making yourself unavailable, while you start doing other things to busy yourself.

Don't take this poor treatment.

Cary2012 Sun 21-Aug-16 13:00:24

What would I do? Run for the hills without a second thought.

Why do you feel it's ok to be so low on his priority list? You can do better than this. Build up your social life, get busy, forget him.

You can so do this!!

sophiestew Sun 21-Aug-16 13:04:03

Just dump him and move on.

Maybe you should have a think about why you would even consider staying in a relationshit like this? Long standing self esteem issues? Toxic family?

Do a bit of work on yourself so arseholes like this aren't able to get their claws into you in future.You deserve better. flowers

Mix56 Sun 21-Aug-16 13:06:55

Wow. Will take female colleague to Mitchelin star lunch as a birthday treat, I might get a cheap takeaway.
You may love him, but he clearly doesn't love you. you are a doormat, a cleaner, insignificant.
Where is your self esteem? Kick this jerk to touch. he is only waiting until something better comes along.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Aug-16 13:07:21

You could only do that if you were a complete mug

Are you a complete mug ? Do you think you deserve to be treated like one ? Is this how you envisaged your life would be ?

AyeAmarok Sun 21-Aug-16 13:10:36

You're not a priority for him. You are quite far down his list of priorities, behind other women 'friends', and that's not right.

Would someone who valued themselves put up with a relationship like this? No. You shouldn't either.

DTF. Your self-esteem will thank you for it.

bikerlou Sun 21-Aug-16 13:12:41

Well obviously dump them immediately, cut off all ties at once and don't listen to their whiney bull** about taking them back because they love you.
This man is clearly a cheat and a liar, nobody in a relationship takes another woman out for a slap up meal because they are a "friend".
You deserve better than this and will be saving yourself a lifetime of pain. Do the deed and find yourself someone you deserve to grow old with.

RepentAtLeisure Sun 21-Aug-16 13:14:13

He's trying to impress others. He thinks you're on the hook, so he doesn't have to bother anymore, which paints a rather bleak picture of your future together.

Or 'he's just not that into you'. Either way, you may as well cut your losses.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 21-Aug-16 13:17:35

I'd focus less on the break up and more on your feeling that life would be empty and emotionally lacking if you did not spend time with this person.

I'd fill my life with other things and seek emotional experiences from other places . That's your real problem. You have a gap in your life and you've only given yourself one way of filling it.

Build your ordinary friendships for example, take up hobbies, think about how to change your day to day situation to better match your values and talents, you know, to make it feel like your life has meaning and purpose. Your relationship with him will likely drop away easily as you get that sorted.

I would take a break from dating until I was are more self-sufficient in feeding my emotional needs.

AwayWithTheFairyFolk Sun 21-Aug-16 18:07:01

Yes, I have been called a mug and friends and family ask why I let myself be treated like that.

They are magnetic, exciting and vibrant and I guess a little rubs off on me by association - my life is more exciting and glamorous as a result. Without I'm just a nobody really.

But I do want more. I need to create that interest and excitement myself don't I?

ICESTAR Mon 22-Aug-16 20:01:52

You are never a nobody. You only feel a nobody because of him and your extremely low self esteem. Please dump him and maybe get some counselling. If you see your life as second rate then why don't you do something about it? Make it glamorous and exciting for yourself. Xx

ICESTAR Mon 22-Aug-16 20:03:15

You have one life. Choose how you spend your time. Either moping about this pratt or doing something for you. I know what I would choose x

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