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I can't see how I will ever meet anyone living like this...

(14 Posts)
Halfwayoranges Sun 21-Aug-16 08:28:54

I'm 30, moved to a new city for a new job about 4 months ago. Happy here. I have friends but not loads, maybe 4 that I feel easy and relaxed around, and others just acquaintances.

But that's my life really... Go to work, socialise maybe three times a week (mainly lunch breaks at work), see family some weekends, do work in the evenings (it's quite an intense job), decorate the house most Saturdays (in process of still doing things to it). I can't afford to do many hobbies, though I'm going to join a gym soon.

I will sometimes go on a date maybe every three weeks. I have had phases of dating a lot and I never feel a spark enough to want another date. That started to make me feel defeated so probably why I stopped dating so much.

My life is happy but I've no idea how I will meet someone like this. I have had two serious relationships in the past and I enjoyed being in the them.

Feeling a bit low today!

Ruthie74r Sun 21-Aug-16 08:34:27

Awww It will be fine! Maybe try internet dating? One of my best friends met someone on a dating site and they've been together an age! Don't be sad. wine flowers

fastdaytears Sun 21-Aug-16 08:37:42

That's tons more socialising than I do! Dating every three weeks isn't so bad! How are you meet the people you're dating? Online?

TheBriarAndTheRose Sun 21-Aug-16 08:38:48

You're only about 4 months in. Everything is still a bit new and, "argh!!!" at the moment.

You're not going to be decorating forever and you're not going to only know four people forever.

Do you know what I'd do, rather than joining the gym? Have a look at swing dance lessons in your area. There's a growing scene and it's very young in some areas. In addition to lessons, you can also go to social dances and weekend festivals too. It's a great way to make friends and meet new people.

Halfwayoranges Sun 21-Aug-16 08:40:57

The dates I've gone on have all been internet dates, except a few set up by friends.

I just can't imagine how I would meet someone with my life like this, just pottering on! I had a date on Friday and it was just awful, he went on and on and on about how great he was at his job, and I just felt I'd wasted two hours when I could have been painting my kitchen!

It's rare I even like someone enough on Internet chatting to even meet, so he was a disappointment when we did meet.

Halfwayoranges Sun 21-Aug-16 08:42:28

TheRose you're right maybe the gym money would be better spent elsewhere... Something more sociable

juneau Sun 21-Aug-16 08:43:02

I'd get back to dating, if you're worried you're not meeting anyone new. Its only been four months and its understandable that you want to work hard and make a good impression in your new job, similarly that you want to get your new home sorted out, but next month its Sept which is a time of year when lots of classes, courses, etc start up so why not find out what's available nearby? OD is all very well and I know a lot of people do meet that way, but face-to-face always strikes me as a better bet for meeting someone long-term. Humans aren't attracted to a list of attributes, we need chemistry and eye contact.

As for joining a gym - IME its a great way to get fit, but not a very good way to meet potential mates. Better to join a running club or something outdoorsy to meet guys and get chatting. You need something where everyone will adjourn to the pub afterwards for a drink and a chat.

Resilience16 Sun 21-Aug-16 08:51:27

Hi there, sorry you are feeling low this morning.
Firstly let's reframe what you've said above, because there are a whole heap of positives in your life. You are lucky to have 4 good friends ( contrary to public perception most people don't have a million good friends and you are doing well to have four, so well done you!)
You have a job, you have a social life and you have family, plus a home you are doing up. All big positives.At the risk of sounding like Pollyanna enjoy and appreciate what you've got rather than focussing on what you feel you lack.
Joining a gym is a great idea, also meetup.com is a site where you can meet people with similar interests to you to do all kinds of social things, it really is good.
Consider some voluntary work, there's loads of different stuff out there, not just working in charity shops, and generally you commit to as much or as little time as you have available. It's a chance to widen your social circle and do something positive at the same time.
Hope some of this helps. Moving to a new city can be daunting, but it can also be exciting, all those new possibilities!
Good luck!

12purpleapples Sun 21-Aug-16 08:54:01

If you aren't feeling it at the moment with the dating maybe taking a conscious break from it would be good, so that you can approach it with fresh eyes?

Are you typically someone who fancies people the first time you meet them? If not (I know that it usually takes me a little bit longer and getting to know someone a bit), then maybe don't make spark or not the criteria for a second date, but just if you would want to meet them again?

Halfwayoranges Sun 21-Aug-16 08:55:27

Thank you so much for all the advice, making me feel much better this morning and I woke up feeling rubbish!

I will look into this meetups site this morning and have a look st classes for September smile

I should probably go on more dates, I just feel so deflated when yet another one is a write off!

Halfwayoranges Sun 21-Aug-16 08:58:24

Purpleapples I think the main thing for me is being able to laugh together. I can't remember the last time I had a great time on an Internet date, though I've probably only been on 5 thus whole year so far

juneau Sun 21-Aug-16 09:02:40

I should probably go on more dates, I just feel so deflated when yet another one is a write off!

This doesn't surprise me - because how the hell can you (or anyone else) figure out whether you're going to find someone attractive or interesting merely from one photo and a couple of paragraphs? Human attraction is so incredibly complex that OD strikes me as a very blunt tool for finding a mate.

Better (IMO), to join stuff, get out in the evenings socialising, widen your social circle. You're still young enough to find a large pool of potential mates when you go out. Its when you get to late 30s and upwards that OD becomes more necessary, because so many of your natural pool have kids and are not therefore out in the pub or doing sports or whatever.

TheBriarAndTheRose Sun 21-Aug-16 09:16:19

I completely agree with juneau. I shared my feelings about online dating elsewhere but, suffice to say, I don't rate it as a way to meet good quality men!

As much as anything, a photo and a few lines tell you nothing about a person.

I would completely agree with getting out there and having fun and taking up new activities and hobbies.

TheNaze73 Sun 21-Aug-16 09:17:35

Totally disagree with the advice about not joining a gym. There are 5 couples in one class I attend, who met through the gym. Will kill 3 birds with 1 stone. Good luck OP

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