'Amicable divorce', emotional affair and in-laws

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

Ok, so DH and I are newly separated, still under the same roof and really not doing too bad considering. He has been messaging some woman; I've seen the messages although he doesn't know this and they're pretty graphic. However what bothers me more is how ego stroking they are and how much they encourage him to see himself as a victim and how much there is now a third person involved so I feel nothing we discuss is now between us, but surely gets run by her too.
This isn't the reason our marriage is splitting up. On the face of it we have a MLC, ' love you but not in love with you', him checking out of our marriage ages ago, but it makes me feel humiliated and like my nose is being rubbed in it. Ok, so maybe I shouldn't have read his messages- I looked because he told me it had finished and I felt that wasn't true.

So the main reason I'm now posting is that I'm coming under pressure to attend a major family party with his family very soon and I don't want to go. They think it's all amicable, so don't see any reason why I wouldn't. I'm trying to have a civilised divorce and I think maybe one day it can be amicable, but at the moment I feel heartbroken at the loss of my family life and I don't think I can do it.
What would you all do?

[LippyLiz]

I feel for you, I'm going through this but as I've just found out DH has broken no contact with OW, I'm no longer going to be amicable. You say you don't want to go? If that is the case, then I wouldn't. It'll hurt to be all happy families when you don't feel that way and you're mourning the loss of your family life, acting like you're a couple would hurt me immensely.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Amicable means you like each other. You don't like him right now (why would you?!) so don't pretend.
All this pressure to be 'amicable' is not good.
Just get on- and in a couple of years when the pain and bad feelings subside, I'm sure you'll be great friends. For now? Don't do it.

[NotYoda]

Don't go. Keeping it together is putting such a strain on you. You don't owe it to anyone to erect a facade in the wider family too. I am assuming they don't know?

Or if they do know, then I think what you've written in your last two sentences is good explanation

[Bambamrubblesmum]

You being forced into playing happy families is enabling him to keep up the pretence that he is a good guy to his family. Amicable isn't necessarily in your best interests at the moment.

The reality is you are splitting, the healthy thing for everyone to do is to acknowledge the fact and deal with the new reality.

I would personally message his family and say you don't feel it's in everyone's best interests for you to attend at the moment. Once you've reached a point of mutual trust and respect with your ex then you'll be more than happy to attend future social events.

suggest he brings the OW instead

[NotYoda]

Write a nice card. I am wondering if you are worried about losing their approval. I can understand that because you are already facing loss. You are having to do a lot of keeping other people on side. Where are your feelings in this?

If you don't already, do you think it would be helpful to have an outlets for those feelings? Relationship counsellor, for instance

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

What do I say to them though? Part of me wants to just tell them what he's been up to. And what do I say to the children.
It feels so raw- it's less than 2 weeks since we told them and I get accused of being unreasonable if I get upset. And he seems to say something to dig the knife in every day.

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

A card is a good idea.
Bam bam- I might say that to him.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Tell them you won't be attending and you think he'd rather take X along with him anyway. What? Who is X? Oh you thought they must already know...

Only kidding, but it'd be tempting.

I think it'd be worth thinking through your definition of amicable, why you want it to stay amicable and whether what that looks like in the light of your new information.

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

It's killing me to play happy families at home. I know I would feel so much better if we weren't under the same roof.

You are all so accurate in what you say- you understand more than I can even put into words.

[ilovewelshrarebit123]

This happened to me, and I'm so sorry you're going through it.

I lived with my EXDH for 6 months with our baby to. I got on well with his family, and on the day we sold the house etc I stayed with his parents for a night.

I fell to pieces and made a right fool of myself (well it felt like that). Crying etc, I to was mourning my little family and I was so sad he was all happy with his OW.

Believe me it will get easier, I'm 7 years down the line now. He also has massive regrets now, but that ship has now sailed!

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

The amicable thing is all from him. I'm willing to play along because it's easier than arguing. I want his co- operation in getting finances and everything else sorted and I don't want it to be any harder than necessary for the kids.
What I don't feel is fair is that he's trying to blame me for wanting to divorce when he checked out ages ago and has done absolutely nothing to try to make it work. And he is carrying on just fine and I'm in bits.

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

RedMaple- I've been tempted...

[Sooverthis]

It's not amicable then, it's just him getting his own way. He gets to check out of your marriage, he gets to have OW, he gets to look good to his family and kids, he gets to lord his 'niceness' over you. You get to live a lie so he isn't upset, to pretend to be ok so he doesn't punish you financially, to playact in front of the dc, ok that one's for everyone's benefit, to pretend in front of his family? There's no way I would go and I would tell his family why and I would ask him to move out. He can go and stay with his OW or with his mum. And solicitors can sort out the finances if he's going to be an arse about money then it won't matter how nice you are now he will be an arse about money. You need to put yourself first a bit more this level of pretence can be very damaging you deserve much better than this.

[Cary2012]

OP, amicable or not, you need to get a bit tough here, and put yourself first.

Don't go to the family gathering, you're separated. Send a card, even a nice text wishing them a lovely time, you don't need to elaborate, you're no longer a couple, it's inappropriate for you to be there.

Don't read his texts, emails. You have no right to do this, and he will be spinning rubbish about being the victim.

Have faith that people will see through him. Stop caring about what he and his lot think. Hard I know, but you have to detach.

How long are you planning on staying under the same roof? The sooner he goes the better. This is why it's all confusing. Separated but living together will stall the healing process.

[RedMapleLeaf]

What I don't feel is fair is that he's trying to blame me for wanting to divorce when he checked out ages

Just adopt a knowing air and agree with him in a placating manner. "Yes darling, you really have put all of your energy in to making this work". Just resist the urge to give a theatrical wink.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Yeah, it's not amicable, it's you pretending to be fine when your heart is breaking.

It's ok to be heartbroken.

[AtTheEndofTheRoad]

I won't be reading anything else Cary- I felt I needed to know the truth about whether it was still on with this OW. I really want him out- he says he is working on finding somewhere. I don't think I can even start to feel any better while he's in the house.

[Hereforthebeer]

If you live with him, have children with him etc I would be amicable.
I wouldn't go to the party but I wouldn't be honest about the reason why. (you read his messages)

It sounds like the family like you and want you there and aren't ready for you to split up.

Say to him kindly but bluntly that you are not going to the party because you think that the whole family need to start moving on (or some rubbish) .
The 'still friends' point makes no sense whatsoever, as hopefully in 5 years time you will still be able to get on because of your children, and you don't want to be at his family parties then.

I would definitely stop reading his messages though, you are torturing yourself and causing yourself pain.

[Trifleorbust]

I think he is taking the piss, frankly. Trying to force you into an 'amicable' 'no fault' divorce when he's actually been cheating on you and is now trying to present himself as the victim, and forcing you to play along with family occasions and so on. Ultimately, he has financial obligations to you whether he feels amicable or not. I would kick him out, then sort all of that out later. It might not be as friendly on the surface but it would leave me feeling a hell of a lot better to be honest, and that is what matters right now: how YOU feel, not how that cheating jerk feels.

[Trifleorbust]

"won't matter how nice you are now he will be an arse about money."

This. He isn't an honest man, so no effort of yours will make him behave honestly where it hurts him most - his wallet!

[MissMargie]

It's very stressful 'putting on a front'. It is very very very stressful 'putting on a front' full time.
Are you doing this for the DCs?

Now that you have put on a front is that whay you feel bad about letting the DCs down. If you'd been more honest from the start no one would query you not attending party together.

I think the front has to drop for you own health.
Can't he move somewhere, have you spoken to the DCs?
Maybe say' I/we won't be attending the party as emotions are too raw at the moment.' or 'We are no longer a couple so I feel attending the party would be wrong.'

Don't say that you can't manage to go or something like that as they will come back with advice, help to get you there.

[MillyMoo1113]

I am in a similar situation OP. We separated just over a week ago, he's still here, claims he's looking for somewhere to go to, but in my mind isn't being active enough over it. He says he won't go to his mums or his mates, he wants to find somewhere. So I'm seeing a solicitor in Monday morning and have spoken to my mortgage adviser, about sorting he mortgage into my name which we've already agreed I will do, I'm hoping this will push him into pissing off somewhere else.

Also for family gatherings, he seemed to think we would all still go to his DM for Sunday lunch once a week. Erm....no! I'll see her from time to time once things are settled, I actually get in reasonably well with her, but I have no intention of socialising as a family with them.

I'm having to be firmer and firmer with him, trying not to get arsy as such yet, but I will do if the solicitors letters don't make him shift his arse. It's convenient for him to stay here but not for me.....

[fabulous01]

I wouldn't go as that will start making it feel real for everyone. Good luck

[Wolpertinger]

It may be amicable but it's still a divorce - so no, you won't be going to family parties.

Amicable divorces don't mean carrying on as if you were married, they mean still being polite to each other and being able to co-parent in a healthy way. And realistically that probably isn't going to happen until a long time after the financial and contact settlements are worked out, you aren't living in the same house and all the amotional rawness has gone.

Your ex seems to think it means having his cake and eating it. Get some boundaries up now - he seems to be making all the rules. You can decide what you want too, you know