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Dp spent all night looking at 18 year old.

(23 Posts)
Winnnie1976 Sat 20-Aug-16 23:22:06

So I don't live with dp and he is 7 years younger. We have been together on and off for 10 years. Off was always because I was a commitment phobe. Now on for 3 years, settled, happy, not perfect but looking to move in together. I have a ds from previous relationship.
I'm pretty chilled about things accept men think about, look at and fantacise about other women. I've always had the rule that they should never look for more than a glance when with me, it's humiliating. In week went to uncles b b q. My cousins are in 20s and one had 18 year old gf there. She was beautiful and v v sweet. My dp spent all night glancing at her over and over again. He didn't get drunk but the more he drank the more he looked. I felt shit. She noticed. She looked awkward and mortified, kept being really nice to me. She ramped up talk about how much she loved her boyfriend (who was at work ) and still he looked over and over. I kept my cool , was chatty jolly and normal. We were about to leave when she said could we wait as her bf wanted to see us. He arrived with a face like thunder. I said awkward hellos/chats, he looked v pissed off. Then after 2 mins said he was taking gf to a village pub quite far away. Was odd pub next to their house. I think he didn't want any of us going with them. He barely said goodbye was very cold. Not normally like this. I think she told him what my dp was doing and told my other cousins. I'm mortified. When I've addressed this before with dp he gets v cross , swears he doesn't even see these girls/women and I imagine it.he says he never stares at women and if he glances so what, he forgets a few seconds later. I believed him. I feel humiliated. Why would he do this? Does he not know that he does it? Does he know and not care? I wonder if he has never got over my commitment problems or simply doesn't like me laying down my rules... I don't know but wonder if I can really spend the rest of my life with someone who does this. Aibu???? Am I over reacting? Is this normal? I feel confused. I've said nothing and been v nice. He looked like an idiot - I'm old enough to be her mum...

WorraLiberty Sat 20-Aug-16 23:26:16

It's rude to stare at anyone.

How old is your DP?

NoMudNoLotus Sat 20-Aug-16 23:27:25

This would not sit well with me.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 20-Aug-16 23:27:41

You're not in control of his behaviour. You can't blame yourself for his actions.

He sounds disrespectful and pervy.

His behaviour is nothing to do with you, stop looking for reasons to take the blame on yourself.

Paddingtonthebear Sat 20-Aug-16 23:29:13

Yanbu. I know a few men who do this in front of their girlfriends or wives. It is so disrespectful. And humiliating. I couldn't be with someone who does this. If he's like this when you are there who knows what he is like when you are not around. I would end it. Sorry

GodImbored Sat 20-Aug-16 23:29:55

That's really embarrassing for you especially in a situation like that. I don't know why he doesn't realise how obvious he is making it sorry. Like you said, maybe he doesn't care or maybe he is very thick skinned or socially unaware (being generous.) I personally couldn't stay with him due to the embarrassment factor in front of family and friends and also it would feel quite degrading.

Lilacpink40 Sat 20-Aug-16 23:30:22

This wasn't your fault, but you are responsible for what happens next.

Can you trust a lecherous man?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 20-Aug-16 23:32:30

How old is he, out of interest?

I think he does know that he does it. He also knows it upsets you. I suppose he just liked looking at her more than he cared that you'd be upset, or that he was making her visibly uncomfortable. What a catch.

Winnnie1976 Sat 20-Aug-16 23:38:58

He's 33 and I'm 40. This is the first time he's ever done this in this way. Before it was always 3 or 4 glances at random girls/women. Hard to pin down when in a way it's fleeting, so I would doubt myself. This time I knew for sure but wanted to stay in control. This aside, he can be sweet and kind. My son disabled and he is empathetic and supportive. Im alright looking and get chatted up now and then which is sometimes nice and flattering. I do ok. Maybe he doesn't know he's doing it.
But how could you not know...

WorraLiberty Sat 20-Aug-16 23:50:05

This aside, he can be sweet and kind.

Well who can't? confused

It has nothing to do with his rudeness and lack of caring about how he made you, the young woman and her boyfriend feel.

hownottofuckup Sat 20-Aug-16 23:55:58

He didn't just make you uncomfortable he made everyone feel uncomfortable, I'm not sure how he could possibly play that down or pin it on you.

CoolToned Sat 20-Aug-16 23:56:41

Sorry OP that you had to go through this. I think your DP was being disrespectful. Sure, he can't control who he gets attracted to, but he can control his actions.

TheBriarAndTheRose Sun 21-Aug-16 04:33:52

I dumped someone who did this. Admittedly, it wasn't a relationship of 10 years, I got sick of it after 5 months. He apologised, didn't realise, cried, would never meet anyone he felt like this about again, blah, blah, blah...

He was a couple of years older than me and within 4 weeks, he was with someone who is 12 years younger.

Would not tolerate it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 21-Aug-16 10:41:17

Sorry OP but he has form. You're minimising that form because it's humiliating for you, which is understandable. You're also trying very hard to pin this lechery on the fact that you're a 'commitment-phobe', which is irrelevant.

He's looking at this woman because that's what he does. It's what he will always do and, beyond the normal glancing, which most men do, he's sufficiently riding rough-shod over your feelings about ramping this up because he doesn't care enough to stop.

For what it's worth, I don't think you are a commitment-phobe, you're scared of getting hurt and let down and therefore didn't feel keen to give him those tools to do that. You have a son but his treatment of your son is not a reason to take this to the next step.

In your shoes, I would tell him how pathetic he looked and how it made me feel. And he would be under no illusions that I would jettison his sorry arse if he ever made me feel that way again.

I also wouldn't move in with him just now... he needs to know that this was a serious thing.

Winnnie1976 Sun 21-Aug-16 13:21:22

Thanks for feed back ladies, much appreciated.

As I said, this is a new thing, before it was 3 or 4 glances and never out-right staring and it's only happened in the past few years. I'm monumentally hurt and humiliated, and yes I'm thinking about a future without him. I do have a commitment issues and have been therapy for 'love addiction' for years (yup it's a thing). No it's not an excuse but I dumped him over and over in horrible ways. It took us a long time to get to this point and I guess I wanted to give back ground to you all as part of the picture.

We don't live together but do have joint financial commitments, additionally we are actually really quite happy at times, he is my best friend, otherwise I wouldn't be with him in the first place.

I'm not about to end it but I'm seriously thinking about it if this happens again, I suspect it will, I think this is indicative of other issues in the relationship that we've papered over. I need to address those issues. He is an introvert and talking doesn't come easily and I've shied away form it because of that. I can't do that any more.

It maybe that we can't solve it who knows, today I feel like we will break up sometime in the future, it's reassuring though to know others think this is horrible too. Thanks you.

Boolovessulley Sun 21-Aug-16 13:31:51

How embarrassing.
I wouldn't ever jump in to defend him he is a 33 year old man leeching at an 18 year old. That is bad enough but the fact that he made her feel so uncomfortable is unforgivable.
You should have let him take the rap from your cousin, a lot of men would have punched him for his behaviour( I'm not saying that is acceptable).

You are not to blame for his behaviour.

He sounds vile.

Shizzlestix Sun 21-Aug-16 14:06:22

Has your cousin spoken to you about this? I'd be interested to know if his gf had text him to say she felt uncomfortable. I think I'd tell DP if this is the case.

DoinItFine Sun 21-Aug-16 14:07:52

Your boyfriend is the creepy lech that makes other women uncomfortable and want to leave.

Repeated glances that are noticeable to third parties are the same as staring.

He obviously just fancied this girl too much to restrict himself to his normal level of creepiness.

It sounds like your fears of commitment to this douchebag were entirely rational. So not phobic.

GloriaGaynor Sun 21-Aug-16 17:09:37

You're commitment phobia is entirely unrelated to his staring.

And tbh I think you're right not to commit to him.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs Sun 21-Aug-16 17:29:58

I'd be really embarrassed both because of his behaviour but also because I'd now be that woman whose stayed with the guy who stares at other younger women.
you're now that woman.
how humiliating.
imagine what he'll be like when he's 60. he'll be the dirty old guy who stares at young women. i'd hate to be counting down to that.
your wasting your time here and if i were you i'd ditch him immediately.

SandyY2K Sun 21-Aug-16 17:44:49

I could not be dealing with a partner who leered at my cousins GF like that, but I'm very close to my family and they wouldn't want him around anymore.

They must have thought he was pervy.

ProseccoBitch Sun 21-Aug-16 17:51:20

I'd feel exactly the same, but I don't think I'd have been able to hold my tongue, I'd probably have texted him telling him exactly what I thought then told him to look at his phone if there were other people about and I couldn't say it out loud.

I'm 39 and DP is 30, there's a 22 year old girl who hangs around where we work and is always trying to draw him into conversation. He seems oblivious to her but it gets to me as I'm old enough to be her mother, so I kind of get it. The pitfalls of a younger man!

Definitely not appropriate and I'm not surprised you're so upset.

ProseccoBitch Sun 21-Aug-16 17:51:42

I'd feel exactly the same, but I don't think I'd have been able to hold my tongue, I'd probably have texted him telling him exactly what I thought then told him to look at his phone if there were other people about and I couldn't say it out loud.

I'm 39 and DP is 30, there's a 22 year old girl who hangs around where we work and is always trying to draw him into conversation. He seems oblivious to her but it gets to me as I'm old enough to be her mother, so I kind of get it. The pitfalls of a younger man!

Definitely not appropriate and I'm not surprised you're so upset.

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