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Pissed off with DP- but am I being fair?

(26 Posts)
TheViewFromTheSheepSeats Sat 20-Aug-16 15:29:56

So this might be long, sorry if so!
I am currently on Mat leave, receiving SMP, WTC and CTC.
My DP is self employed and works sporadically, probably earning only £100pw.
DD is 8 months old so I will be returning to work soon, but currently the workload seems to be split as follows- 2 out of 3 days DP will get up with her in the morning (meaning I can have a lie in) he will play with her for an hour or two and do feed/breakfast. After I am up and have had a morning coffee he 'hands over' care to me and carries on his day.
The other day (out of three, hopefully I haven't lost you) I will get up with DD and have responsibility for her all day.

DP will quite often cook a mean if I haven't had time, but this is often at 7 or 8 pm as he has arrived home late. This pisses me off as I would like us to all eat together rather than me feeding DD and putting her to bed before he is home.
This also pisses me off because he is as likely to be out visiting friends as working.

I feel that the main care of DD has fallen to me automatically and DP would rather be doing anything else than spending time with us (me?)

Am I being over sensitive here? I appreciate that DP is allowed a social life and the fact I have to consider DD In everything I choose to do and everywhere I choose to go is part and parcel of being a parent- but DP doesn't seem affected by this in the same way I am.

And on to the next issue!
From my income (family money fair enough) I pay for 99% of things, rent/council tax/bills/food/toiletries/everything for DD.
As previously mentioned DP has a lower income, and this seems to go on parts for tools, petrol ect.
Am I being unfair to expect a small contribution to family finances OR for him to pull his weight a bit more at home as he is not contributing financially.

I'm after a little perspective as I seem to be permanently cross with him at the moment.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 20-Aug-16 15:35:59

Why doesn't he earn more? If he can't for some reason, then he should be looking for a job that does pay more

What time do you feed the baby? I don't really get why it's an issue for you two to eat together later

Jennywallpaper Sat 20-Aug-16 15:38:27

Hi, are your wtc and ctc in your name or a joint claim? I don't understand why he wouldn't be contributing to the household income and surely parts/petrol for work should not becoming out of his wage but added in to the cost of the job he is doing for the customer. Is he going to be looking after your DC when you return to work?

PeppasNanna Sat 20-Aug-16 15:38:53

Why isn't he working full time?

Make a weekly plan?
Do dinner earlier?
Plan your week together?

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats Sat 20-Aug-16 15:39:24

I would love him to earn more but he is self employed in a specific type of maintenance and there really isn't much call for it....I am pushing the idea of retraining but I can't force him to give up something he enjoys.

I just think it would be nice for the three of us to eat together, DD eats what we do so seems silly to cook twice.

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats Sat 20-Aug-16 15:40:07

Yes joint claim- so it is family money

PeppasNanna Sat 20-Aug-16 15:41:44

Sorry you've child thst needs supporting. I would like to be an air hostess but I've fdc to look after.

Time for everyone to reassess the priorities...

Will he be the main carer when you return to work?

Jennywallpaper Sat 20-Aug-16 15:42:20

If DD eats the same as you then why don't you make dinner for you's all and if he comes home late he can reheat it. Or just ask him to try and get home for DDs dinner time. I'd love it if my DH came home from work at 7/8 and made us dinner if I hadn't had time!

Costacoffeeplease Sat 20-Aug-16 15:42:51

There's a limit to how much you can afford to work for peanuts because you enjoy it confused. Tbh he should be volunteering to retrain or look for a better paying job off his own back. He sounds a bit of a cocklodger

However, I wouldn't be keen on eating early (normal for us is 8pm ish)

PeppasNanna Sat 20-Aug-16 15:44:03

Sorry, i dont understand the eating thing.
Dinner is at a set time in our house, everyone (most days) eat together.

Could you do something like that?
Have a time & take it in turns to organise the evening meal?

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats Sat 20-Aug-16 15:49:58

No he won't be main Carer, he will look after DD two days a week.
It seems my question has been answered! I am not being unfair in my views, thanks

meowli Sat 20-Aug-16 16:01:15

I don't think it's unusual for a family not to eat together when the baby is only 8 months old! I always preferred to get feeding the baby out of the way first, before we had our supper later when the baby was (hopefully) in bed. However.......

I appreciate that DP is allowed a social life

So are you. On the 2/3 days when dp gets dd up, if he isn't working, there's surely no reason why he can't carry on and have dd for the whole day sometimes, so that you can have coffee with friends or whatever you chose? Sounds like there needs to be a bit more give and take, if dp isn't actually working full-time.

At the moment the default position is that you take care of dd most of the time, and you are also the main provider financially. I think you are feeling extremely put-upon, hence your short fuse with dp. Could you tell him how you are feeling?

I appreciate it's difficult without sounding like you are resentful that he doesn't have a better job, but it doesn't have to be about that. It's more about having a fairer division of labour, isn't it?

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats Sat 20-Aug-16 16:07:38

meowli you've hit the nail on the head there, it is hard to discuss it with him as he gets quite defensive, this makes me think he does know it's not really on.

SparklyStarShit Sat 20-Aug-16 16:14:49

It will eat away at you and destroy your relationship if you let this continue.

I suspect he does know how much he takes the piss and it's my guess that he won't be able to step up.

What was the work/ housework/earning capacity before dd?

Have learnt from bitter experience...

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 20-Aug-16 16:33:38

He's not bloody self-employed, he's just got a rather expensive hobby!

I cannot fathom how someone can pretend they have self-respect when they are parasiting off their partner to this degree.

Honestly, you'd be better off financially if you were single and putting in your claim for benefits as a lone parent. Meanwhile, you are currently a parent to two. Fuck that!

Dozer Sat 20-Aug-16 16:38:46

He needs to seek better paid work now. When you have Dc to support pissing around earning £100 a week is selfish.

If he becomes DC's main carer you risk getting less time with DC in event of a break up (if it went to a legal case). In your shoes I would pay for childcare when you return to work to reduce this risk.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 20-Aug-16 16:59:14

"DP has a lower income, and this seems to go on parts for tools, petrol etc."

This isn't a "lower income", it's "no income worth talking about". I'd want to see documentary evidence of this before I'd believe it. Sounds like a crock of shit to me. He potters about, gets to spend time with his pals and contributes fuck-all to the household income. I call cocklodger

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats Sat 20-Aug-16 17:52:33

I am worried that that is the case sparkley
The silly thing is it is more income than he would have if he was self employed.... it seems to be just enough to cover his wants (I don't say needs as it doesn't include a home/food ect)
A talk is in order, but how do you broach a serious subject with someone who shuts down as soon as he feels he is being put down.

TheViewFromTheSheepSeats Sat 20-Aug-16 17:53:31

Typo- * unemployed* not self employed.

MardyGrave Sat 20-Aug-16 18:08:43

What was he doing before you got together? Where was he living, who was paying the bills?

sophiestew Sat 20-Aug-16 18:16:11

I agree with PP he isn't really working, he makes a few quid from a hobby.


SparklyStarShit Sat 20-Aug-16 19:35:32

You could look at marriage guidance? But you will have to arrange and pay for it and drag him along even if you could get him to agree in the first place.

Sounds scary but I think you'll have to issue an ultimatum and be very sure about following through. I'm sorry, it sounds shit. If he gets defensive then you'll have to be dictatorial. I don't think you have a choice. Do not under estimate the resentment that will build up if you let him get away with it

I'm sorry you're in this mess flowers

BestZebbie Sat 20-Aug-16 19:39:02

Isn't petrol part of family expenses? It certainly doesn't seem like he is blowing that money on manicures and golf clubs.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 20-Aug-16 20:52:09

If he refuses to talk about it then you are screwed.

He won't get work that pays. He won't do the childcare. He lets you do both and gets the hump if you even try to bring the subject.

The only thing you can do is to take unilateral action on the things under your control. Pretty much the only things open to you are refusing to do childcare (going out of the house and leaving him to it) and also to go out socialising as often as he does.

But that's shit to have to do.

I'd ask him to leave but I don't thing that's how you feel and you absolutely must not make ultimatums you do not follow through on.

EstellaHavisham Sat 20-Aug-16 22:29:24

I'm sorry but I can't force him to give up doing something he enjoys?

He is self employed in a specific type of maintenance and there isn't much call for it? You have a child FFS and he earns £100 sporadically...

I'm afraid the time to do something he enjoyed that paid fuck all came and went the moment the second line appeared on the test. It's time for him to grow the fuck up and support his family doing whatever it takes. hmm

Plenty of people have to do jobs they aren't so keen on rather than let other people support them financially. He sounds like a spoiled brat.

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