its my first post on here, I have been lurking for a while and I think you MN lot are amazing in terms of honest advice and a general life wisdom
I am in my mid/late 30's, no kids, I left my husband couple years ago due to all sorts of abuse, from verbal to physical violence, I have literally left everything and ran away, moved 200 miles away and started fresh from scratch. This has set me back career and money wise, but at least there was no abuse. Police put me in touch with womens aid, but in the end I refused to accept any sort of help from them. now I regret it.
I now found myself depressed, at times I feel guilty that I left him, I can form any form of relationship since - I wasn't ready for a while so was happy with just fun - now I feel ready but find it difficult to open up. New city means that I have no roots, no friends, I feel very isolated and extremely lonely which adds to the grief. I had quite a good career in the old place, after moving I took up a job with a pay cut and without prospects ( I just wanted out and away from him) thinking it will keep me going for couple months and then I will look for something up to my previous experience and qualifications, end up stuck here, recently started to look for a job in line with experience and education and I am being asked why there is a step down in my cv - obviously it doesn't say on my cv why I did that.
I feel utterly useless, alone, contemplating what is the purpose of my existence at all. I spend whole weekends sleeping, I feel so lonely it almost hurts. I would never go back to my ex, but I find it so hard to move on. I got nobody I can talk to in RL. I don't think anybody would believe what I feel anyway, I'm being seen as attractive and successful, I don't lack male attention but I don't believe anyone can like me just for me, so its ends up with me pushing them away as soon as we get intimate. I feel so unhappy, so useless, so lonely. I have no confidence at all, I hate myself.
I hope I am even making any sense here now?
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Relationships
I think I'm a mess
ayeshaa · 20/08/2016 14:27
Ayesha, do you like you for you? That is most important thing, how you feel about yourself. It sounds like you have been through a lot, do you respect yourself for getting out of that relationship? Have you had any kind of counselling since your relationship ended? I think you need to focus on yourself for a bit, practise being kind to yourself. All is not lost. It will be alright you know. 
Have you looked at the Freedom Programme OP?
It will take time to get your confidence up but well done you - both for leaving, and for being self aware enough to know that you are sinking at the moment and wanting to change something (even if it seems a bit hard at the moment)
You have nothing to feel ashamed of, nothing. Well done for sending an email. . I am stuck on my sofa all afternoon if you need company.
Ayesha, it is ok. Don't underestimate what you have been through, and got yourself out of, it is massive and you have done so well to get yourself out of it, it was not your fault. I think that you have probably been surviving on adrenaline for a while which kind of protects you, and now you are left with the bones of your life thinking Is this it?. It take a long time to get through trauma, don't give up now. You deserve the life you want, and you can have it, corny as it sounds you need to heal yourself first, respect yourself, your feelings, your sense of loss and what could have been and the reality of your present. You can do this, you really can, there is nothing to be ashamed of, your feelings are valid and important.
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You've made a really good start posting here, you've reached out and that's not easy when you feel how you do at the moment, opening up will get easier the more you do it. I think your next steps should be to push forward with the Freedom Programme, do it in person if you can rather than online, you'll be surprised how much you have in common with some of the others on the course and it will give you a safe space to start working on your ability to open up. See your GP (preferably a different one to the one you saw before who doesn't sound particularly helpful, they're not all like that) and get a referral for some counselling and possibly a short course of antidepressants just to give you a bit of help getting out of the slump you're in, doesn't have to be a long term thing but can be really helpful til you feel a bit more on top of things. You've come an incredibly long way and made some really positive changes but it's hard to see that when you just feel lost. It was absolutely the right thing to do to leave your relationship, your old life but it takes time to build a new one and, in the meantime, you just feel like you're in limbo. I totally get what you're saying about thinking you would be happy when you left but you need a new life, new things to look forward to or you feel the loss of your old, familiar life too keenly, even though it wasn't good. You've got rid of the bad stuff but now you need to start to replace it with good stuff or you just end up with a void and that's where it sounds like you are at the moment. It will get better and you can help it along by taking the positive steps suggested on this thread, you will get there. Keep posting here if it helps, there's a wealth of knowledge and experience on here so use it to the full. You sound lovely and you've achieved so much already, you can't see it at the moment but you have and you can be happy again, you just need a bit of help
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