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Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

(472 Posts)
UpsetandDeflated Sat 20-Aug-16 14:09:54

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

UpsetandDeflated Sat 20-Aug-16 14:11:29

Nb: in case anyone is wondering why the booking and dresses were done quite quickly, he said he wanted us to do it spontaneously and ASAP that day. I am a fool for taking him at his word evidently

parlezvousfrancais Sat 20-Aug-16 14:12:44

Holy hell. My first ever LTB and I've been here years.

Turn that date into another significant one. The one where you leave his sorry ass.

Missgraeme Sat 20-Aug-16 14:13:20

Sounds like the end of the road to me. He has been stringing you along. Unforgivable.

parlezvousfrancais Sat 20-Aug-16 14:13:26

I am raging on your behalf 😡

GodImbored Sat 20-Aug-16 14:14:30

That is really quite cruel.

lovelilies Sat 20-Aug-16 14:14:45

That is a truly shit thing to do to you and DC sad

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 20-Aug-16 14:16:00

Eugh. So sorry OP. I would find it hard to see a way back from that too. Can you perhaps ask him to leave for a week or two so you can have some space to think about the future ?

TheGruffaloMother Sat 20-Aug-16 14:17:30

Jesus, I'd be fucking mortified. I'm not sure how I'd go forward from that really...I wouldn't be able to trust a word coming out of his mouth. I'd always think he was going to pull the rug from under my feet any minute.

Iamthinking Sat 20-Aug-16 14:17:32

Oh wow, that is such a blow, and what he says is just so completely weird!

Of course you are not wrong for being so hurt. Does he know how deeply hurt and humiliated you are...and if he does, is he showing himself to be in the least bit sorry?

shockthemonkey Sat 20-Aug-16 14:17:48

So sorry, but he's a shit

UpsetandDeflated Sat 20-Aug-16 14:19:41

I'm glad people don't think I'm over reacting. DCs are away seeing relatives at the moment until Tuesday, I'm glad because I just can't find anything to say. Just feel totally fucking worthless really

UpsetandDeflated Sat 20-Aug-16 14:21:08

Iamthinking he's said he wishes he'd never said anything, he only wanted to make me happy, but it's backfired massively, and if I want him to leave he understands.

rubberducker Sat 20-Aug-16 14:21:46

To do that to you is unforgivable - but when you have DC who are also involved and excited about it, even letting your DD go dress shopping, it is beyond cruel. I don't think I could find a way back from this if it were me.

rubberducker Sat 20-Aug-16 14:22:14

To do that to you is unforgivable - but when you have DC who are also involved and excited about it, even letting your DD go dress shopping, it is beyond cruel. I don't think I could find a way back from this if it were me.

parlezvousfrancais Sat 20-Aug-16 14:22:34

Do you want him to leave? Do you want to separate?

FranHastings Sat 20-Aug-16 14:22:57

You poor thing. You aren't worthless. He is a pig. Who does that to someone they are supposed to love and treat kindly?

And as for the 'you should be grateful for the gesture', I don't think there would ever be enough swear words in the world to respond to that gem.

I couldn't forgive this. Not only has he hurt you, he's hurt your children. Vile behaviour.

UpsetandDeflated Sat 20-Aug-16 14:23:32

Only one of DCs know. His idea was to tell them all as a surprise at a later date, but as DD is teenage, I wanted to enjoy dress shopping with her as we're close. So I told her and we went dress shopping in a few shops, before we chose.

hippydippybaloney Sat 20-Aug-16 14:24:30

How mean sad

No, I don't think there's any coming back from that. I'm so sorry.

tipsytrifle Sat 20-Aug-16 14:24:39

That's one hell of a mind-fuck. If he's capable of abusing something so important and fundamental to you (and others) after years of living together and creating a family, what else is he capable of doing you over with? Is he bluffing about loving you at all then? Shocking behaviour that has upset very important people in your life. I would not be able to forgive this but only you can decide if this is recoverable.

Sooverthis Sat 20-Aug-16 14:25:12

Is he seeing someone else? Looks very much like guilty behaviour thats why he'll leave if you want him to, he's such a victim!. Start getting your things in order and kick this cockwomble to the kerb.

Doinmummy Sat 20-Aug-16 14:25:38

Omg , you poor poor thing . Don't feel embarrassed , he is the one who should feel nothing but shame. What a cruel thing to do,

Surely being married wouldn't change his feelings for you ? It seems the very thought of it has done just that though .

I'm speechless really. flowers

TheGruffaloMother Sat 20-Aug-16 14:25:42

This is a horrendous questions so I apologise in advance.

Was he drunk/high when he asked?

ThatsMyStapler Sat 20-Aug-16 14:25:47

What an arsehole

Doesn't matter who dumps who when you're an adult. Kick the cruel Wanker out

confusedandemployed Sat 20-Aug-16 14:25:54

What a very cruel thing to do. And there's the rub: I'm not sure I could spend my life with someone who thinks it's OK to do that to me.


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