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My DD's

(4 Posts)
Seekingadvice123 Sat 20-Aug-16 12:27:56

I need some help as I have no idea how to manage this situation.
My DD's have never met their dad. He made it clear he didn't want anything to do with my pregnancy as I refused to have a termination.
He was married and I was in an extremely vulnerable state when I met him. He was in a position of trust. Spun me the usual crap of having feelings for me and that his marriage was not good. I was naive and stupid and fell for it all.
I would appreciate no judgements please as it was 19 years ago and I made a huge mistake. I am fully aware of that.
I have been made aware through one of my closest friends (whom my DD's have a really close r'ship with) that one of my DD wants to make contact with him. She doesn't want to tell me as she doesn't want to hurt me. I know where he works and I have his email address. I know how this will pan out and he will want nothing to do with her. I know she is going to be bitterly hurt and rejected. She is such a loving kind girl and I am so worried about how to handle this and what to say to her to prepare her. I am mindful that the fallout could have a really bad impact on her as she struggle with self esteem and confidence having been bullied quite badly through school and college.
I have emailed him to make him aware but it was literally one line as I have no desire to engage in any dialogue with him at this point. He treated me very badly and was very unpleasant and bullying about having a termination. I have not had any response as yet to the email but it was sent very very recently. I have spoken to them both about him a few years ago but not much was said. They had a couple of questions and I answered them as best I could.
Please help.

OurBlanche Sat 20-Aug-16 13:41:00

Talk to her... NOW!

DSis did this very recently. Emailed the father and told him that his son would be getting in touch because he wanted to and that, at 22, she no longer thought it appropriate that she had to wriggle and backtrack, verge on lying to her son in order to save his face.

She told DN that she and his dad had never really had a good relationship but that she supported him in wanting to get in contact and had emailed his dad just that one time and never would again. She never has!

What she really thought was that DNs dad would be a total let down and DN would need some support - which he did. But DN has never blamed his mum, he has told her that she was far more measured and fair than he now feels he could be!

So talk to your DD, tell her you have emailed her dad to let him know she wants to contact him and then make yourself the same promise... never contact him again. Let him and his now adult daughter meet and come of that what may.

You have no right to prevent her trying, but will always be there to pick up the pieces.

Good luck getting your head around it. I know DSis was a blubbering wreck, occasionally furious, and eventually has managed to let it go.

DN and his dad met once, his family, wife and daughters all make an effort, facebook and email, occasional phonecalls, invitations to family holidays. Dad does not!

Seekingadvice123 Sat 20-Aug-16 13:47:11

Thanks for your reply Blanche
Just wondering when the right moment will be. Feel sick with nerves about it all. Have also got to tread carefully re: friend as my DD sort of confided in her but my friend was obviously concerned enough to tell me so don't want to ruin that trust my DD has with my friend.
It's a bloody minefield

OurBlanche Sat 20-Aug-16 13:51:03

DSis just grabbed DN as he walked through the door... she was scared she'd back out otherwise.

If your DD has confided in your friend, then she will know that you will have been told - why pick her otherwise?

Gird your loins, give her a hug and just say it.... any preparation you try will only make you feel more anxious, so grab the moment - any moment!

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