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So I've found out DH is still in contact with OW

(254 Posts)
LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 06:58:16

Meant to be reconciling, which hasn't been going too bad, not perfect, but not bad. I've come on holiday with DDs. He wanted to come and I wouldn't let him. I've been having second thoughts about him (on and off) whilst away. Yesterday I was texting his closest friend whose been trying to talk sense into him. He told me that DH is still in contact with OW and he wants to be with her. He's been using a spare phone. I'm devastated. I know he hasn't seen her for weeks as she lives so far away. She was also meant to be reconciling with her DH with whom I'm in contact with. I text DH and told him it was over, no going back. Not a single response back.

I'm so confused as to why two people who were caught out having an affair would go back to their DPs and then continue to contact each other, knowing that we'd be over if they were caught. I'm so sad, everyone was right about him. I don't feel stupid, just sad sad

Easystreet52 Sat 20-Aug-16 07:03:12

It must be a real body blow. I think this is the problem with affairs, what feelings can become strong and much as you and her DH would want no contact whatsoever, it is hard to just turn feelings off.

You have made the right decision. You need to stay strong. It won't be easy and the next year or so will be tough but you will find a better place eventually. I have been through this and survived it.

AyeAmarok Sat 20-Aug-16 07:05:35

So sorry he's turned out to be such a bastard OP.

You were strong to go on holiday without him and you're doing the right thing not doing the Pick Me dance. He wants to have his cake and eat it; selfish, nasty coward.

talesofthevillage Sat 20-Aug-16 07:08:40

I'm sorry OP. It's the right decision. You deserve far better.

WappersReturns Sat 20-Aug-16 07:12:57

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's a twat. A duplicitous twat who couldn't deal with being exposed as a twat so pretended to be less of a twat by appearing to make an effort to reconcile.
No doubt he'll protest that "he tried" and "he was willing to put his own wants aside". He didn't and he wasn't.

It is sad sad it's also incredibly cruel, selfish and cowardly so don't forget to feel a bit angry too!

You are doing the right thing. You gave him a chance he didn't deserve. Now you deserve the chance to have a happy life without a wanker who values a cheap fumble more than his family.

Don't obsess about getting a reply. Use your holiday to recharge and worry about the rest when you get back. Have a little taster of a stress free life with your DD's smile

LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 07:12:59

I've given him so many chances over the last six months, he knew this was his last. Even DDs told him they'd never speak to him again if he stayed in touch. He told me that he was concerned I'd decide I didn't want him whilst I was away. He even questioned why I'd put no kisses at the end of my texts one night (cos I was having a wobble). Why do that? It's nonsensical.

It's not as if they can actually be together, they just seem to want to be in touch. They both live hours away from each other, both have kids and a business. Neither will up sticks and move. I'm so so disappointed in him. I know he'll try and wriggle out of it. He knows why I've called it a day and still no response.

Cary2012 Sat 20-Aug-16 07:23:14

How horrible. I think I remember your previous thread Liz, about the affair.
You will get through this. You said you were having second thoughts? That means that you know deep down that this isn't going to work, or a lot of work would be required to move on with him. You've found out now, which although devastating is better than finding out months down the line, when you are starting to re-build your marriage. Admire the friend who has told you the truth. Why are they doing it? Because they get a kick out of it, because they still care for each other, because they can. Don't try to rationalise their motives or feelings, you'll send yourself crazy. You know the truth, that inner voice which was giving you 'second thoughts' was spot on, it usually is.

You can and will get over this. He is a cheater, and will, I would say definitely, cheat again. You deserve better. Don't wait for his response, the damage is done. Find your strength, cut him out of your life. Divorce him, let her, or the one he cheats on next, have him. Too many of us have been in your shoes, it's hard, but you can't forgive this man again, you owe it to yourself to move on and find your own happiness.

Cocoabutton Sat 20-Aug-16 07:23:52

I am going a bit against the grain here, but why are your DDs involved? Ditto being in contact with his best friend (why is he texting you on holiday?) and the other DH. Surely it is between you and your DH. I understand your sadness (my DD's dad met someone else when she was a baby), but I think there are some boundaries issues. I would hate that level of external involvement in my marriage.

Take care of yourself and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 07:32:23

DDs were involved when we found out 2 months ago, he'd been clumsy with texts and they'd both seen some of his messages to her so they knew what was going on and he admitted it to them. Me and other DH have only be in touch a handful of times. It helps to talk to someone whose living it with you. We promised we'd let each other know if things were still going on.

Like many people, I never thought he'd ever do this, but she's an old friend who he really liked 20 years ago and she got back in touch with him. He's not the man I married

fastdaytears Sat 20-Aug-16 07:36:52

I remember your earlier threads. I'm so sorry. Second phone was suggested at the time I think. Why are they so predictable?

You've given him too much time and too many chances. You need to think about yourself now.

LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 07:44:26

I know, everything that everyone said would happen, has happened. I never wanted to believe it, I mean I was living it and seeing his actions, but I was wrong. I have never been so disappointed and let down by anyone in my life. I will be ok though, next couple of weeks will be hard. Home on Monday night and he'll be there, wedding anniversary and birthday coming up early September.

I fucking hate him right now

PikachuSayBoo Sat 20-Aug-16 07:44:40

I suppose the distance issue and neither of them being able to move explains it all.

He wants his cake and eat it. He wants the easy, family life with you but can't/wont give her up. The alternative is he's on his own during the week and only seeing her as and when they can manage it. Having you and the kids around and living in the family home suits him better.

fastdaytears Sat 20-Aug-16 07:46:04

Home on Monday night and he'll be there

That bit needs to change asap! Everything else will be easier when you have your own space flowers

Cary2012 Sat 20-Aug-16 07:48:20

Are you still living together Liz? If so you need to chuck him out.

LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 07:51:10

He'll definitely be there. I think it'll start to get nasty. It's always been amicable despite what he's put me through and I said that everything could be 50/50 which I know id be entitled to more but I didn't want him to hold it over me which he would. Now that this has happened he can forget that.

LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 07:51:45

Yes, he moved back in 3 weeks ago. Don't know why, considering...

fastdaytears Sat 20-Aug-16 07:53:37

He needs to go. You don't need to talk about the finances right now. You'll be more able to do that when you've had the house to yourself for a bit. At the moment you'll offer him waaay too much just to get rid of him without arguments.

Cary2012 Sat 20-Aug-16 07:57:53

Tell him it's over. Tell him to move out. He probably won't. See a solicitor as soon as possible, tell them you want him out. Tell him, like a broken record, that you are done with him. Don't engage or discuss it with him. You've wasted too much precious time trying to make this work. You forgave him when many women would have kicked him out. Get yourself focused on it being over, plan the practical stuff. Hard to do, but I did it, God knows how, but I did. You owe this man nothing.

Cary2012 Sat 20-Aug-16 08:00:08

And don't under any circumstances talk about financial stuff or custody, the house etc. 'My solicitor will handle that' is all you need to say.

LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 08:12:06

Thank you all. I really need the support right now. I'm abroad and don't want to bother the few at home that know our situation, so your messages help

1111Cleopatra Sat 20-Aug-16 08:12:21

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I'm glad you are angry, this will help. Do you think if they lived closer and without all the complications that they would be together? Please don't be second best, you deserve so much more.

Cocoabutton Sat 20-Aug-16 08:19:01

Despite how you feel, he is still DC father, they have a right to a relationship with him, and they need to know from you that it is okay to be angry with him, but still love him.

It is hard, but talk like 'never speak to again' from them simply will up the ante. DC need to see him as their father and relationship issues as between you and him. Protect yourself, but as long as he steps up re contact and parenting, there is no need for DC relationship to be damaged with him. The truth is these things happen in families, and DC will still want and need their dad. However you (and they) feel right now.flowers

fastdaytears Sat 20-Aug-16 08:23:21

Cocoa is right, your DDs do need to hear from you that the threat to cut their dad out of their life is well meaning but not required.

LippyLiz Sat 20-Aug-16 08:29:41

Thanks, I have told them that, they obviously both love him, and he will continue to be in their lives as much as possible.

BarbaraRoberts Sat 20-Aug-16 08:35:27

cocoa is right - please listen.

What will happen is that your DDs will feel guilt about communicating with him through loyalty to you. Eventually, contact will be resumed and they may even keep this from you to prevent you hurting more.
You will find out and feel betrayed by them too

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