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DH just told me he's not attracted to me since I put on weight

(202 Posts)
mrstimothyclaypole Sat 20-Aug-16 00:07:03

Been together 8.5 years, 2 DC together, aged 2 and 5 and I have a DD from previous marriage.

I was a size 12 when we met, since the kids I've put on maybe 2 stones, I'm a size 14 now, veering onto size 16 sometimes since having youngest.

We've always had issues with our sex life, DH admitted to a porn addiction when DS (5) was very young, and said that was why we rarely had sex. I told him that he had to choose and that If he wanted to watch porn that he could fuck off and do it when single. Since then he gave it up and things got better, till I got pg with DD.

Since then it's been more sporadic, we didn't have sex while I was pg and not often since I had her. If I have tried to initiate a conversation about sex and try to create intimacy there he is always awkward and it ends up not going the way I intend or we end up arguing. We usually have sex on average once a month to six weeks.

Generally we have a great marriage, he is respectful, we have a laugh together, we are equal. But still our sex life isn't quite how it should be, when we do have sex it is somewhat formulaic and I rarely feel that we properly 'connect' IYKWIM.

Tonight I tried to talk to him again about it. It was awkward, then it felt like he was trying to pick an argument then eventually he said that he needed to tell me, even though it would hurt me, that he isn't attracted to me since I put weight on.

I am fucking devastated. I love him, warts and all and thought that he loved me too. I honestly don't know where we go from here. I've found it really hard to lose weight but probably would have done in time. Now I'm like fuck him, if he doesn't love me for who I am he can go and find himself someone who is 20, size 6, with no wrinkles (ie not me).

I've sat and cried but was so angry at the same time. How do we come back from this? I feel like my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Please help me.

Boogers Sat 20-Aug-16 00:30:57

It's not you, it's him.

He's got the porn addiction, and he's probably still doing it, just getting better at hiding it from you. For a partner to be that distant for that long it says to me that he's getting his relief somewhere else, probably in the bathroom with his phone on private browsing. You've tried talking to him about it and he's come up with a bullshit answer that puts it all on your shoulders. You've had two babies very recently, of course you're going to have a bit of weight. Size 14/16 is hardly obese though, and you could probably lose it very easily if you wanted to, but his attitude to your changed body shape is unreasonable and has quite rightly got your back up.

This is easier said than done as it's expensive but is there any way you could try counselling?

Boogers Sat 20-Aug-16 00:32:21

Couples' counselling I mean.

Mummydummy Sat 20-Aug-16 00:33:15

I'm so so sorry. Thats a very harsh thing to be told, not a loving or kind thing, but one which passes 'blame' where there should be none. I have been all sizes and am not a better person in any shape, and you should be able to expect to receive the warts and all love that you are giving him.

I think rather than being blamed, in reality you have been killing yourself bearing and raising children which is exhausting and takes it toll, and makes it very hard to exercise regularly and have time to pamper yourself. I'm not surprised you're angry and deeply hurt. Where's the love and respect he owes you? Its very convenient to blame you but what are his fears and insecurities that are covered up by that smokescreen?

When the dust has settled I would suggest you consider couples counselling and discuss how you can support each other to have a fulfilling relationship which works for both of you. Where you both can be heard and both your needs are met. You need to be able to express how deeply hurt you are by what he has said and explain how far that is from the love and respect you expect. I suspect there are a number of things your partner isn't doing or struggles to do to support you and he needs to hear that too. Rather than blaming it all on you.

Much love and sympathy to you.

keepingonrunning Sat 20-Aug-16 00:38:12

I do not think this is about your weight. An increase of one dress size is not much. I think he might be diverting attention for his lack of action in the sack because 1. he has an ongoing addiction to porn and just got better at hiding it from you 2. comparing you to the visually perfect, tiny-waisted, pneumatic-breasted women he sees on his screen 3. possibly has an OW. His comment and lack of desire for you are devastating for your self-esteem, I'm really sorry. I think he is trying to pin the blame on you for whatever he is trying to cover up.

keepingonrunning Sat 20-Aug-16 00:42:37

X post, all saying similar.

RainIsAGoodThing Sat 20-Aug-16 00:47:14

I bet it's not your weight. It sounds like he has deep and far reaching issues about sex and intimacy. He's looking for an excuse and a way to blame you for them.

There's not much between 12 and 14. And you've carried his kids for fuck's sake.

mrstimothyclaypole Sat 20-Aug-16 00:50:54

Thank you for your replies. I feel completely numb, I suspected (feared) that he felt like this but to have it confirmed has taken my breath away.

He swears that he no longer watches porn. I don't know what to believe, I even said that to him, that he is comparing me to something that isn't even real, to hairless size 6 20 year olds, that what he wants is a fantasy that I can't ever live up to.

He seems devastated that he has hurt me so much. I told him that we don't have a future. I can't see how we can move past this? He says he never expected this reaction. What fucking reaction did he expect?!

I thought we would grow old together. I really didn't think he was so shallow. He even admitted that it was shallow when he told me. He knew it would hurt me, but I pressed him to he honest. It's my own fault, obviously. I just thought better of him. I though he loved me for me, that a few extra pounds wouldn't make that much difference. I can't believe I was so wrong.

HelenaDove Sat 20-Aug-16 00:53:04

Ive gone from a size 28 down to a 14 and my DH has never said a derogatory word about my weight in 24 years.

What im seeing here is another porn hound who is blaming the fact he cant perform/or only poorly perform , on his wifes weight. Not a new phenomenon unfortunately.

ButtercreamIcing Sat 20-Aug-16 00:54:43

What does he look like?

HelenaDove Sat 20-Aug-16 00:56:26

You mentioned hairless.

Has he asked you to shave as well.

keepingonrunning Sat 20-Aug-16 00:57:44

It is NOT your fault, please don't blame yourself. Love endures more than a few extra pounds.

mrstimothyclaypole Sat 20-Aug-16 01:01:15

We also have issues with our DS, with regards to what you said about raising kids Mummydummy, our DS is incredibly hard work and we are just starting the assessment process for ASD. I have been on my knees emotionally with it all. DH knows this and finds it hard too. Apart from the usual ups and downs I thought we were a team. He is supportive, and loving, if not particularly demonstrative.

He swears it's not because of porn.

He is tall, good looking and goes to the gym every few days. I'm not bad looking I don't think, but have never worried about my weight until the last few years. I've been a size 10-12 all my life. I hate the fact that I am heavier than I want to be, he knows this.

I am just so, so hurt. sad

Boogers Sat 20-Aug-16 01:05:06

But he's not being honest because you've had problems since your DS was tiny. If it was purely that you've gone up a dress size then it would be a recent thing, not one going back 5 years.

Has his appearance changed at all since you got together?

mrstimothyclaypole Sat 20-Aug-16 01:06:01

We have had a similar conversation but about body hair, quite recently. He shaves all over, chest, legs, everything and has a real dislike of body hair.

He had never mentioned mine, but we talked about the fact that he doesn't really like giving oral sex. He said that if I'm not shaved it turns him off. blush

I went bananas about this, I'm a feminist and have real issues with men policing women's body hair. He justified it and said it was nothing to do with porn, and used his own dislike of his own body hair to prove his point.

meck Sat 20-Aug-16 01:06:37

It's very shallow of him. I'm not sure how he expected you to react after coming out with that.

MamaMotherMummy Sat 20-Aug-16 01:10:09

I don't know what the big deal is. He told you he's not attracted to the way you look, and that means a lot to a man.

What is the problem?

If my man put on weight I don't think i'd find him sexually attractive to be honest.

He hasn't said he doesn't love you because of your weight. He has honestly said he's not attracted to what you look like right now. I don't understand why this is a big deal. Just do what you can to lose the weight and look attractive to your husband....? I would expect my husband to do the same for me.

I don't understand how him telling you he's not attracted to what you look like right now is a lack of love or respect?

VimFuego101 Sat 20-Aug-16 01:14:00

Mama, I suspect that if she lost the small amount of weight she'd gained, he'd find q new excuse for why he wasn't interested. Going from a 12 to a 14 isn't really a radical change of body shape.

HelenaDove Sat 20-Aug-16 01:16:07

As its so important to him then he wont mind doing some parenting on his own so you can go to the gym a few times a week then.

bet he wont

Oh and Mama ...........what a load of man pleasing bollocks.

I lost TEN STONE for ME no one else.

i8sum314 Sat 20-Aug-16 01:17:06

This is sad.

Don't let this all be about his being turned off you

Make sure that the script is (partly) that you're turned off by this.

Be a strong woman who got.turned. off.

HelenaDove Sat 20-Aug-16 01:17:39

YY Vim hes the sort that would then find something else to moan about.

This is one reason why i prefer older men. They havent had their brains rewired by internet porn.

Boogers Sat 20-Aug-16 01:18:53

Just do what you can to lose the weight and look attractive for your husband

Fuck me, what century are we living in?! So, what happens if the OP loses weight, gets down to a size 10, shaves all her body hair off and he still doesn't find her attractive? What's your suggestion then?

meck Sat 20-Aug-16 01:26:12

I expect the OP looks just fine, the real problem seems to lie with her dh.

venusinscorpio Sat 20-Aug-16 01:29:17

What an idiotic post Mama. It's not about whether the OP loses the small amount of weight to drop a dress size. They had sexual problems in the past due to his porn addiction. She's said she doesn't feel they have intimacy. And now what he's said is deeply hurtful, and does sound like he's blaming her entirely for their problems.

OP, I hear your anger and desire to say "fuck you". That's your self esteem talking. Don't whatever you do let it be squashed.

mrstimothyclaypole Sat 20-Aug-16 01:30:42

See, that's the problem Mama, this isn't a new thing. Even when I was a size 12, shaved and 7 years younger, we still had issues. Only then, he ended up confessing that even though he told me that he just didn't have a high sex drive, in reality he was using porn every few days.

I feel like I never even knew him at all , and that our life together is based on something akin to shifting sands. I can't help getting older, I don't like the fact that I have put weight on, but am massively insecure about it.

Even if he had put weight on, or aged (which he has !) I would still love and fancy him. Because I love and fancy him.

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