Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I being over sensitive

(19 Posts)
Justnotsure123 Fri 19-Aug-16 09:28:40

Good morning!
First time poster, long time lurker from behind the scenes.

I'm a single mum of two under six, their dad left me around two years ago after an affair with somebody that worked for him. Comparing this year to last? Well it's incomparable really, were doing great, lovely home, I've just got a car and I have a job I love. Were really settled in many ways and have more now in terms of fulfilment than ever before.

My relationship with my ex is civil, I am very reluctant to harbour hate and although I did sink into a pit of depression last year i want to ensure my children aren't influenced by negative opinions if their dad.

I wonder if I'm being too kind? Too accommodating ?
He's still with the OW, children haven't met her and neither have his family- I'll mention it just in case anyone asks down the thread.

We are civil but I have no contact with him between visits, he didn't call the children between visits for 18 months do I felt that set a prescedant , of course if there had been regular contact I would have kept the communication lines open but there wasn't so I have stopped him from being able to communicate via his mobile( he can however use his landline to contact mine in emergencies).
The reason I had to block him was because he would draw me into conversations daily or every other day that would last all day, he then became more interesting in spending more time together and it eventually culminated in him trying it on with me- he had an attack of conscious though and stopped but was subsequently very nasty to me afterwards and made me feel as though it was all in my head..... He loved his girlfriend etc.

Since then we have remained civil as always, he stepped back a little at pick ups and drop offs and would only wait in the doorway etc but the last few weeks he seems to have started dripping back into his old ways.
Giving me extra money and when he came to watch the children at mine for a works dinner (he has to at mine as he lives a fair bit away and the children were in school the next day, I had no one else to ask), he kept saying to the children" tell your mum she looks beautiful tonight" and things like that, they are only small and count care if I was wearing a bin bag as long as I'm smiling. It's comments like that, that really disconcert me.

He was here at his last visit and made himself at home in the lounge whilst I got their bits together, he then insisted we should all go for a walk together to the local ruins as the weather was so lovely.... I didn't oblige.
The next day he said he had promised the eldest child an activity but he would need us all to go as he wouldn't manage on his own. ..

Lastly he has also been getting them to leave me voicemails every evening at their bed time. They say they miss me and spend about five minutes asking me "why I'm busy" or why I'm out without them?
I do nothing when they are gone apart from rest , I don't have a new partner and my job is pretty demanding.

Why can't he just let me be now ? Or am I just letting him get to me.

Heirhelp Fri 19-Aug-16 09:47:07

It sounds like he wants to wanted and does not like that you are doing well without him.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 19-Aug-16 09:51:05

Do you think it's time to put some new boundaries in place?

ElspethFlashman Fri 19-Aug-16 09:52:46

Danger danger danger!

You have to start getting snotty. Have a few sarcastic comments you use liberally.

Perhaps it's not quite loves young dream with the OW and he's getting bored. Perhaps he doesn't want to change anything but his ego wants to see you beam at every stupid word he says.

But either way it's tedious for you as will continue unless you start giving him the cold shoulder. So start getting colder.

ElspethFlashman Fri 19-Aug-16 09:54:24

Go back to doorway for pick ups and drop offs and if you have no one else to ask in the future to babysit, just decline the invite.

This guy is not on your team.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Fri 19-Aug-16 09:54:30

All doesn't sound too rosey in his relationship with OW.

Tough.

ohfourfoxache Fri 19-Aug-16 09:56:44

You're not being over sensitive at all, he's being hugely inappropriate and manipulative.

Time to get tough, I think.....

Froginapan Fri 19-Aug-16 10:01:32

No, you're not.

Detach and set some boundaries. If he manages to win you over he'll do it to you again sometime down the line.

You know you deserve way better than him

Justnotsure123 Fri 19-Aug-16 10:01:52

Thank you.

I'm significantly happier in life than I have been in a long while, I had a change of jobs last year and feel like I really found my feet , as it were.
I'm very conscious of him ruining the content ness I feel, I am a better mother as for a long time before I felt despondent and had a lacklustre approach to life but the three of us seem to have really flourished since the split and the heartache.

He was fine at following the boundaries for a few months after he tried it on it on with me, he became very matter of fact and I knew where I stood with him but he is slowly beginning to drip back in and I don't want to end up with him chipping away at my confidence again.

Thank you, I will try and be more organised and have their things ready so he can leave pretty much on arrival, save for a quick handover.

RedMapleLeaf Fri 19-Aug-16 10:06:59

I'm very conscious of him ruining the content ness I feel

He can't if you protect your new contentment.

ohfourfoxache Fri 19-Aug-16 10:10:42

Instead of thinking that you know where you stood with him, try to think of it as the other way round- I.e. Where he stands with you. You're the one in control here, he just doesn't matter anymore

Dustpan Fri 19-Aug-16 10:29:34

Don't let him into your house into your personal space. Ask other local mums (if u know any there yet) for recommendations for a good babysitter.

you can see how selfish & slithering his behaviour is = youve got good confidence and self esteem and correctly judge you deserve much better.

You're not being over sensitive - you're being wise and discerning.

Gosh some men can be outrageous can't they?!

TheNaze73 Fri 19-Aug-16 11:12:37

He sounds bored with the OW

Justnotsure123 Fri 19-Aug-16 18:01:21

I was wondering if he was bored but I assume he would just chuck her if that was the case and move on to someone else

I will keep him at arms length and continue to be wary of his behaviour do I don't let my guard down

ohfourfoxache Fri 19-Aug-16 18:57:48

If it means he will be on his own then he is unlikely to dump her- most cheating pricks make sure they have someone else lined up before doing any dumping

SandyY2K Fri 19-Aug-16 19:18:15

Is he getting them to leave voicemails when you're out for the evening or at work?

I'd be firm, but civil and don't open the door for any conversation that isn't child related. Tell him not to promise the children anything that involved your input or attendance, without consulting you first.

In fact, he shouldn't involve you in any activities for them and should assume you aren't interested. He just wants to create the happy family and then tell you how happy the kids are when you're all out together .... and then it will be .. Please give us another chance for their sakes.

Don't let him worm his way back in

Cary2012 Fri 19-Aug-16 19:40:38

Bless him He's found out the grass isn't greener and he has regrets. My ex did that. He's also seeing you happy without him, and his fragile male ego is bruised. Tough. Set very firm boundaries. He has to stop using the kids to get you to interact, that's low. Well done you!

Banana99 Fri 19-Aug-16 20:11:45

Sounds like he wants a way back in - some men can't be on their own.

Justnotsure123 Fri 19-Aug-16 20:36:45

They are leaving the voicemails in the evening before they go to bed when they stay with him, it's something he used to do when we first split but stopped it after I told him it wasn't fair and he wouldn't like it if I got them to do it every evening.

I'd just like to add that I don't ask him to babysit , I have always found other arrangements or just declined invites but this is the first evening I had gone out since he left and I didn't want to miss it but perhaps I should have tried other avenues of childcare.

As I say I just need to pull my socks up and Barriers up. I want to just keep enjoying what mine and my children's lives are playing out to be without him ebbing away at me.

Thanks all.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now