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Could you guys please help me get over this guy?

(14 Posts)
mumofone1234 Fri 19-Aug-16 01:41:41


I have been seeing a guy for 3 years. At the start it was wonderful. All my friends were envious, because he treated me amazingly and was so thoughtful and romantic. About 18 months into the relationship he changed. He started drinking a lot a the weekends and so when it came to the days I could see him (I have a young child) he was always tired when he saw me. Too tired to do anything with me, but by the time the weekend came around he had recovered his energy and was ready to drink loads with his mates again.

He stopped wanting sex. I eventually stopped initiating because it was too upsetting to be rejected. We once went 6 weeks without doing it and when I tentatively mentioned it he thought it had been about two weeks and was shocked to be told it was six!

I persevered. He used to plan holidays for us but now the only holidays he plans or goes on are stag dos.

He's put on a lot of weight. When I first met him he had an amazing body, but now is quite podgy and doesn't look how he used to. He loved going to the gym but seems to have lost that focus.

He is still very affectionate. Loves hugs and kisses. No longer seems to like passionate kisses, though.

I've dumped him about twice for the sex situation, but he always had a reason for the lack of sex and I took him back.

I realise I have only given you an outline, but to be honest there aren't that many good times recently to balance it out.

Last week we had his sister's christening of her baby and he did not talk to me the entire day. I spoke to his mum and other family members loads of times, so the excuse of it being a family celebration and he needed to mingle doesn't wash.

What should I do? I'm really heartbroken. I dumped him and he is telling me he is really upset but not making any moves to get me back.He wants to stay in constant contact, texting me several times daily just like when we were together (he has always done that, even over the last few months when he has not wanted me sexually).

I feel awful and just want to feel good again

BroomhildaVonShaft Fri 19-Aug-16 06:02:23

Why are you heartbroken? He sounds awful. You also sound really passive - you don't need to allow him to be in contact contact or to persuade you to get back together, you are allowed to make your own decisions on these issues.
While he is constantly texting you you won't get over him. Time for a clean break if that's what you want.

TheNaze73 Fri 19-Aug-16 07:03:02

I can't think of one reason why you'd be with him to be honest OP. I would have thought after 3 years, he'd at least be starting to think about the future, instead it sounds like he wants the best of both worlds, being single & being with someone. Sounds like to me that he emotionally checked out, a while ago. You deserve better

mumofone1234 Fri 19-Aug-16 08:52:28

Thank you. This is why I posted. I know this, but putting it into practice is hard. I need to hear this to give me that last push.

DaDman66 Fri 19-Aug-16 09:47:48

Sounds like a massive turd sandwich. Dump him.

I've been posting on this forum for about a week now and looking at most of the posts you'd be forgiven for thinking men are massive wankers. I can assure you though that there are some decent blokes out there.

costahighfive Fri 19-Aug-16 10:02:55

I'm honestly always shocked at how quickly people are written off as bad people and worthy of just throwing away, I see it constantly on here and it makes me rather sad, no one, it seems is allowed a single failing or dark period in their life with out being dumped by their long term partner and branded as simply a bad person

Obviously with the information we have from your op no one can judge this, but I would say in my opinion it seems like he might be having some sort of crisis, perhaps depression or a break down of some sort, drinking heavily, not doing things he used to enjoy, letting himself go, lack of sex drive! That smacks of someone who needs some help rather than an arsehole!

You have invested 3 years of your life In This man, and only you can judge whether you think he's just horrible or having problems, but it's certainly an avenue I would hope my dp would explore with me before simply writing me off if I were to start acting the same!

JCo24 Fri 19-Aug-16 10:29:07

^ This

He's showing a lot of symptoms of male depression to be honest.

mumofone1234 Fri 19-Aug-16 10:50:01

I have suggested he might be depressed quite a few times. The change in him is inexplicable. He's definitely not cheating.

adora1 Fri 19-Aug-16 12:50:44

You keep taking him back but nothing is ever resolved, he is what he is, he can't or wont give you what you want, he sounds anti social and uncommunicative, what's to have back, same crap again?

mumofone1234 Fri 19-Aug-16 12:59:37

You're right , Adora. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result... didn't Einstein say that's the definition of insanity?

This thread is really helping me. Thank you smile

mumofone1234 Fri 19-Aug-16 20:31:21

I'm feeling really bad tonight sad

merville Sat 20-Aug-16 02:18:15

I'm conflicted on this; it could be depression or it could be that's he's a good bait & switcher i.e. different in the early stages than in the later, real relationship.

The depression theory could have merit but how come he's still up for going on stag do's; is it an 'all planned, just turn up' situation, whereas he'd have to make an effort to plan hols for you?

It sounds like it could (also) just be taking you for granted, being lazy etc.

Have you told him what changes you'd like to see him make to continue seeing him; if so what was his response? That for me would be the true indicator of his commitment and ability to improve.

mumofone1234 Sun 21-Aug-16 16:21:19

Thanks Merville. I've not heard of bait and switcher before... is that an actual thing? I'm I don't know, he kept it up for the first 18 months and really was a great boyfriend. Couldn't have asked for more. The stag dos tend to be abroad, so he pays in advance to the organiser and then goes a few months later. He is always really up for it.

I do think there's a bit of laziness and taking me for granted. He used those words himself each time I brought it up and asked him to change. He always promises to and just doesn't.

I'm feeling loads better now. I've let it go. I want someone who's excited to be with me and recognises my awesomeness grin

mumofone1234 Sun 21-Aug-16 16:24:51

Just googled 'bait and switch': the act of advertising goods at a seemingly bargain price with the intention of substituting them for inferior goods. Love it!grin

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