DH harsh tone of voice

[mum962]

Hi

Had a very stressful time recently - moved house and defending court cases against a mental mother that's taken most of first 6m of the year

DH said he's getting more anxious (maybe now most of the court prep stuff and moving is over). He used to have General anxiety disorder but off citatilapram since 2011.

Last few weeks his behaviour towards me has changed

Harsh tone of voice - have to constantly say to him 'ask me nicely' or 'don't talk to me like that'

Saying nasty comments then apologising eg called me a lump tonight, then made reference to me being like a skoda (?) both times said he didn't mean it after

Not being affectionate, just being 'busy' no hugs kisses, doesn't ask about my day

Is this a sign of exhaustion / general anxiety disorder / depression or has he just got to the stage where he can't be bothered? Been together 11 years.

Thanks

[smilingeyes11]

sounds abusive to me tbh. Just awful.

[Trifleorbust]

Sudden behavioural changes are definitely a concern. Is he hiding anything like his phone or laptop from you?

As for calling you names, I would challenge this properly. Ask him what he means by "lump" and why he chose to speak to you in such a clearly unacceptable way. Similarly "skoda".

[Scarydinosaurs]

Who was the mental mother? His? What was he accused of?

It sounds awful for you.

[DownTownAbbey]

Being snappy is one thing. Him being appallingly rude and making unpleasant verbal digs at you is quite another. He sounds resentful of you. This was how the beginning of the end looked for me.

[ravenmum]

Skoda? Did he explain that? It's not some kind of dickheaded reference to him test - driving a Mercedes, I hope?

[Trifleorbust]

That's what I wondered, Raven. If that's the case, it is so dickish and misogynistic for all the obvious reasons, that I would be packing his bags for him by the second time he said it. "Didn't mean it" my arse.

[adora1]

Totally unacceptable, don't tolerate it!

[mum962]

Not tolerated it.
He apologised this morning.
Said stressed and anxious.
Booked a psychotherapist to see tonight.

It's my mum that's the nightmare not his. Think he's kept a lot of feelings inside to get through it.

[LesisMiserable]

I'd look for the Ow, sorry.

[mum962]

Thanks for feedback

Definitely don't think there's OW he's at work or been for drinks with a friend's husband in last fortnight that's it

Nobody thinks it's irritability / stress from move and all legal drama ?

Has he just gone off me and turning horrible grumpy old dick in his 30s. How depressing.

[OnionKnight]

It could be stress from the legal drama etc, it's pretty obvious that it could be.

[adora1]

I get stressed at times, I don't ever call my partner "lump" or put him down, I might be snappy but I don't name call, that's just disrespect, nothing to do with stress.

[newname99]

I think it could be post stress.We went through something similar with Dhs side of the family and at the time I coped but definitely had depression afterwards.I feel I coped worse as dh had grown up with his family and was the frog in hot water scenario.For me it was a baptism of fire and caused a greater adrenalin reaction.

Running on too much adrenalin for too long will cause depression and a symptom is irritability.I think that can cause change of tone of voice and lack of physical expression.I think name calling is out of line however and not tolerable.

Do you have down time planned? Can you talk to him? Ultimately he needs time change his behaviour and seek help to do so.Exercise and rest helps but worth seeing a doctor if he has other symptoms such as insomnia as it becomes a downward spiral quickly.

[smilingeyes11]

nope sorry - stress is no excuse. Abusive dick who may well have an OW tucked away too.

[KiteCutter]

I'm going against the majority of previous posts here but often after a very stressful period is when it all really all kicks in. In my case that's when I get extremely bad migraines (E.g. after A-levels) and I've had to learn to try to bring stress levels down gradually but it took a long time.

If he wasn't acting like a dick previously and calling you names; and has supported you through the court case and the house move then it could well be stress/depression/anxiety. I know I can be incredibly snappy with DH in one of those spirals and have possibly said things which would leave to LTB comments (I'm not really a bitch, I love him to bits and I certainly don't have another man tucked away).

If citalopram has helped him previously I would suggest that the first move would be to go back to the GP, explain how he's feeling and ask to try them again (and be aware that they can take a couple of weeks to kick in).

I also know that when I'm depressed good sleep is very hard to come by yet I need it so much. Luckily I'm able to grab an hour here and there in the day.

[KiteCutter]

I think newname and I crossed posted with similar thoughts.

[mum962]

Thanks for sharing similar experiences I appreciate it

No usually loving kind never said anything horrid before.

[RockinHippy]

Make him get his vitamin B12 levels checked.

Mine was like this & all of the things you mention are symptoms

[adora1]

Perhaps if the OP OH actually cared about hurting his wife he'd go himself and get checked out - you are not his mother, in fact he insults you with horrible names and you have to sort him out, nah, I'd not.

[RockinHippy]

Its quite like he genuinely doesn't even realise that he is reacting as he does & needs pointing in the right direction, which is what any decent person should do if someone needs help - thats not mothering him, its showing concern & pointing him in the right direction

[adora1]

His actions could also mean that he doesn't give a shit and has checked out, whether it's depression or apathy, nobody should name call you; that's not what I have witnessed with depressed friends, not at all.

Reacting you say, he's not reacting, he's name calling, big difference!

[RockinHippy]

B12 deficiency can affect MH badly so in some people - I've had my own mother screaming obscenities at me & call me all sorts of horrible names, whilst telling telling me there were lions outside her window ! - her case was extreme, she would also never usually swear, - it was due to her declining health - should I Have walked away because she was abusive

The OP mentions her DH is otherwise kind & loving, she mentions he suffered with anxiety - a symptom, some drugs deplete B12 as mentioned too. So its certainly worth ruling out health problems as a cause - you know - in sickness & in health & all that

My own DH was awful, he had no filter, but its not who he is at all - we all have PA, & all have been guilty of this - not because we had "checked out" but because we were ill!

He may be an arse, but nothing else the OP writes suggests thats who he is - he is either coping very badly with stress & lashing out, or there us a fundamental medical reason behind his behaviour

[mum962]

Thanks for that advice

He has colitis and is on medications for that. Funny you say that about B12 as he does take lots of vitamins but some haven't been unpacked yet from house move. Has to take extra calcium and magnesium for colitis condition.

I'm not mothering him. He said he is very sorry, doesn't realise when his mood is low/ irritable & organised a counsellor/psychotherapist and is there as I type.

I'm surprised he didn't become worse sooner, with all the stress, as he did have anxiety disorder 5 or so years ago.

Hopefully the therapist tonight will advise him to get back on citalopram once they've talked, obviously depending on what's said. I will also suggest this.

[RockinHippy]

Colitis can cause B12 deficiency, or at least knock it over to a level that causes noticeable symptoms, he may have been low already, some AntiDs deplete B12 too.

This is exactly what happened to my DD, a bad colitis Colitis flare up actually put her in a wheelchair for over 18 months - she cant absorb B12, so needs B12 injections

DHs problem was caused by H.Pylori infection & PPI drugs for heartburn stopping absorption/depleting B12

[RockinHippy]

Oops, forgot to say - B12 supplements wont work for him, but will skew his blood results, so don't make the mistake we did & supplement before testing

Good luck, I hope you sort it out xx