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Am I crazy for wanting to do this? What would you do

(25 Posts)
Halfwayoranges Thu 18-Aug-16 21:36:40

I've got myself in a right state tonight, and I can't think straight. This is going to sound like such a stupid problem compared with everything else on this board, but here goes...

I'm 30 and I bought my first house 2 months ago. I've been single for a year or so and recently started to talking to an ex from a long time ago (think 19 years old). There's been nothing sexual in it for me and I've made that clear. Just before I bought the house, he asked if I fancied a holiday and could stay with him. He is working overseas... I won't say where but it's a LONG way, and somewhere I've always wanted to visit. Again, there was no implication of anything sexual. I thought it would be fun and was feeling stressed about the house buying and couldn't afford a proper holiday so I booked the flights. They weren't cheap.

All was well. I'm meant to be going in 9 days. But I don't want to. My ex has been making jokey comments about us getting together, which I've pulled him up on and then he laughs it off. It's made me uncomfortable. Also I really really really don't want to leave my house. I know that sounds crazy. But I just don't want to go. I want to buy some paint and spend a week doing that. I don't want to get on planes and socialise for two weeks.

I've spent so much money on this already. Over 1000. I have always wanted to visit this place and I do have waves of excitement about it but mostly I just don't want to. I have a history of anxiety and it may just be that playing up, but I'm so confused I don't know if I will regret it if I just don't go. My ex probably won't speak to me again either. I won't have the money or the chance to go to this place for a long time either. So I feel like I'm crazy for not wanting to go, and it's such a ridiculous problem to have!!! It's making me feel like a failure if I have to say to people oh actually now I'm not going because I wanted to stay in my little terrace house!!

Any thoughts would be appreciated. I know I sound like a spoiled brat. I just feel so conflicted and don't know what to do.

Halfwayoranges Thu 18-Aug-16 21:50:54

(I don't know if it's relevant but the trip is for 2 weeks)

Knittingnoodles Thu 18-Aug-16 21:53:31

Go! You will have the time of your life. If he turns out to be an arse, book into a hotel, stick it on your credit card and don't feel guilty about doing something for yourself. I once booked a skiing holiday alone, because my grumpyx boyfriend refused to have a holiday. It was a spur of the moment thing because I was so mad he would go away. I'd saved enough for two to holiday, in the end I spent it all on myself and had an amazing time. I promise you will too. Stay safe. X

Amelie10 Thu 18-Aug-16 22:00:51

I wouldn't go, I would try to get back some of the money or if not just write it off. It's not worth feeling the dread of being uncomfortable and just not wanting to go. This ex sounds like he has plans to get back together or try it on with you. Unless you are ready to deal with that in some far away place then consider it. Tbh staying home and decorating my new home feels like a much better idea.

MegFlyAway Thu 18-Aug-16 22:06:49

I agree with knittingnoodles. Go! Book a hotel or Airbnb if he's annoying. Your house will be there a long time yet.

Carriadd Thu 18-Aug-16 22:09:04

I wouldn't go. If it doesn't feel right then it isn't. You don't really know your ex anymore. It was ten years ago and he could be a very different person now and maybe not in a good way. I get that you want to stay and feather your new best and make it lovely to live in.

Carriadd Thu 18-Aug-16 22:09:33


Queenbean Thu 18-Aug-16 22:10:05

When I had just bought my house there was no trip in the world that would have pulled me away. I loved being here and still do.

I'd see if I could refund the flights then spend a week entirely at home and use the £1k to buy lovely things for the house

Halfwayoranges Thu 18-Aug-16 22:13:13

I feel guilty because so much money will be wasted. And also that I will have let my ex down - he's not done anything wrong really. I'm really in two minds about going, and I do want to visit this place but just not right now. I kind of want to just collapse in my house. I sound so boring don't I. I'm so conflicted and just want to curl up and watch tv on my own for a week!!! Am I being really bratty and selfish?

Halfwayoranges Thu 18-Aug-16 22:14:25

The other part is that although I will have lost over 1k, I will be saving around 700 by not going too...

AgentProvocateur Thu 18-Aug-16 22:14:45

Go! You've got the next 1/2/10/20 years to enjoy your house.

SavoyCabbage Thu 18-Aug-16 22:18:29

First, see if you can change the flights. If you can, change them to later in the year and go then. Stay somewhere else. Wherever it is in the world, someone on MN will know a good place to stay.

If you can't change them, I think you should go. Stay somewhere else. You might never go otherwise.

I've just come back from holiday this afternoon that I nearly didn't go on because we are in the middle of a huge kitchen and bathroom renovation that was supposed to be finished. I really didn't want to go but I did because of the money already spent and the dc. I was fine once I left the house. I've come back to utter chaos though.

Jennywallpaper Thu 18-Aug-16 22:19:40

Could you try and sell the plane tickets, then maybe you'd get a bit of money back

Cabrinha Thu 18-Aug-16 22:36:53

I'm a big fan of just doing stuff, have holidayed alone etc.

But I think you've anxious for a reason. This ex saying about getting back together when you don't want to?

How much fun is that atmosphere going to be, if he tries to kiss you or flirts all trip? confused Nah.

I'd lose £1000 rather than waste a further £700 and my annual leave.

What options do you have with the flights? Date or route changes?

At the very least, I'd go if I found other accommodation. By all means meet up with ex, but tell him it's been a long time and you'd feel better not staying with him. If he's got a problem with that, he's not someone you want to bother seeing is he? Let alone be in a flat with for 2 weeks!

Missgraeme Thu 18-Aug-16 22:40:09

Woman up and do it ll

Iloveyoujenny Fri 19-Aug-16 04:01:39

Go with your gut. It's rarely wrong. I'd be exactly the same as you.

aurynne Fri 19-Aug-16 04:05:03

I second the advice to change the flights to a later date. Enjoy the house, trust your gut instinct about your ex, don't tell them you've just changed the date (just tell him you've cancelled) and when you go stay at an AirBNB. This way you will enjoy your new house, look forward to the trip and avoid tricky ex situations while still travelling to the destination.

lackingimagination Fri 19-Aug-16 04:11:58

It usually only costs around £100 to change your flights if you're not changing to a more popular date.

I once went on holiday for 5 days with someone I really didn't want to be with - it was awful. I felt so trapped and so lonely, all I could think about was getting home, I was in an amazing part of the world but could not enjoy a second of it. I was also too polite and not ballsy enough to not go in the first place or take myself away from him when we were there. I regret this now and still have horrible memories 8 years later! (Nothing untoward went on - I just didn't want to be there)

I personally would cancel and rearrange at a time you feel you want to go whether that's with him or on your own (sounds like on your own may be the preferable option!) and enjoy it.

singleandfabulous Fri 19-Aug-16 09:55:38

I was in a similar position a few years ago and I have anxiety too.

It was a great holiday but the ex did try it on. I gently re-buffed him and things were fine.

I'd say go. Manage your anxiety however is best for you (medication or meditation). This chance wont come along again and you'll always wish you'd gone. Go now while you still can.

bleedingnora Fri 19-Aug-16 10:00:20

If you can change your flights or recoup part of the cost I would do that.
Beating sounds wonderful but equally you can do that anytime and if the flights can't be altered I wouldn't lose that money for nothing.

BUT the trip sounds a bit dodgy to me.
You don't know this ex AT ALL, he is making jokes about you two getting together which you don't want and you may end up feeling really awkward at his place (are you sure you will even be safe? Might he kick off if you rebuff his advances?).
So that side of it would make me want to cancel even more.

I can completely get the wanting to stay in your new place feeling.

Try and get some cash back or delay the flights for a year or change to somewhere else to go another time.

Halfwayoranges Fri 19-Aug-16 21:13:12

Thanks so much for the replies!! I'm sill petty torn as to what to do, but I feel more ok with saying no to it. I'm embarrassed that I'm happy with my life right now, when I don't really do anything!! Maybe that's why I'm single though...!!!

FarsleyLass Fri 19-Aug-16 23:14:33

Nothing wrong with been single if you are happy that way. Having a new house is just wonderful and turning it into a nest is a real joy. Once you have your nest you will feel more secure and then maybe you will find some one. The main thing is to do what feels right for you.

Queenbean Sat 20-Aug-16 00:29:53

God, OP, I have just broken up with someone and I'm spending time with my parents, my brother and his wife, my friends

And I love them all very much. But what makes me the happiest is spending some days in my lovely little flat, with the candles lit, the blinds drawn and Netflix on. Or a bubble bath and glass of wine. Or some clean sheets and a film in the bedroom.

I am determined to enjoy my single time by nesting like this and you should too. Nothing wrong with it at all.

Halfwayoranges Sat 20-Aug-16 03:17:24

I can't sleep I'm so worried about it ... Going to tell him tomorrow. Dreading it!! Thank you for all fkg support and for making me feel less weird!!

Halfwayoranges Sat 20-Aug-16 03:18:01

* all the support! (Not fkg)!!

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