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Help On Verge of Cheating!

(80 Posts)
user1469525654 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:33:55

Hi
Please be kind as this is my first ever message on mumsnet. I have been married for 14 years and we have 3 children together all below the age of 13, our marriage has always been stable but in the last six months I have become unhappy as our sex life is dwindling and my husband makes no effort to instigate anything or be more affectionate. I have been in contact with an ex on fb who is also unhappy in his relationship for the same reasons and we have become very close again and are in the throws of an emotional affair, we are meeting up and I know where it will lead if we do. I am torn between my husband and my ex and I have feelings for both, help me please

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Aug-16 14:36:56

I had to tell my children that my ex husband was having an affair and we were divorcing. It was the worst day of my life. I can't imagine what it would've been like to tell them I was the one having the affair.

OP, your husband will find out about the affair. Really, he will. He's probably got a good idea that you're up to something already. One day you will give yourself away.

Your marriage won't get better until you both put some effort into it. I don't believe any marriage can get better when one person's attention is on another person. You are making things worse, can't you see that?

Bogeyface Thu 18-Aug-16 14:39:16

What do you want to hear? Because I am fairly confident you wont hear it on here.

You know what will happen but you are planning to meet him anyway? You are not on the verge of cheating, you have cheated.

However, you can salvage this is you really want to. You delete and block the ex and you sit down and talk to your husband about your marriage, ask to go to counselling and reconnect. Or you leave and then when you are free you can start another relationship.

But I suspect that you are just sharing the drama, so am probably wasting my breath.

Borisrules Thu 18-Aug-16 14:40:18

STOP! .... and think!
Go non-contact with your ex and work on your marriage. You need to decide first whether still being married is the right thing for you. You can't possibly decide that whilst embarking on a torrid affair. It's not fair on your DH , your children (or your ex for that matter).
Let the dust settle and you will hopefully find your feelings change and you realise what a lucky escape you had.

Flatbellyfella Thu 18-Aug-16 14:40:41

Please don't do it, you will regret it big time. The pain it will cause to others is not worth it. Sort yourself out , if you feel frustrated. Try to get your partner to engage in conversation about his problems.

WaitrosePigeon Thu 18-Aug-16 14:41:05

If you're on the verge of cheating you need to leave.

category12 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:41:58

What do you expect to happen if you have an affair?

FunnyTummy Thu 18-Aug-16 14:49:48

Don't do it. You will regret it massively in the future.

I know sex is important, but I really think you should speak to your husband first, and not contact the ex.

it's not a crime to want to leave a marriage, but you can't make a sensible decision on that whilst in contact with someone else.

nothing good will come of you having an affair.

Bogeyface Thu 18-Aug-16 14:52:02

Just re-read and I get it now.

You want out and this is your exit affair. Except that it wont end well for 2 reasons.

One, it wont be a simple as your husband wishing you well and waving you goodbye, it will be hellish as he will be hurt, humiliated and angry. Good luck with trying to sort out finances, child access etc. Your children will hate you for it too, and they will find out eventually as this sort of thing never stays secret.

Two, your ex is spinning you a line, so if you are expecting him to leave and start again with you then you will be disappointed. "I have been unhappy for ages, we dont have sex, we are only together for the children...." ring any bells? Its the script, its what all cheating people say, you are saying it yourself! He can smell some legover and will say whatever you need to hear in order to make that happen, but he will not give you a happy-ever-after.

Shockers Thu 18-Aug-16 14:52:40

This may seem exciting now, but it will ultimately rip your family apart.

Block him and work on your marriage.

champersandgin Thu 18-Aug-16 14:54:58

So would you be quite happy for your DH to go and shag his ex begins your back?

duskonthelawn Thu 18-Aug-16 14:56:28

If you don't have the self control to stop and think about what you're doing, what do you expect an anonymous person on the internet to do? You make it sound as if you're an innocent party.

Lily405 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:57:04

Don't do it. The grass always looks greener on the other side. (Saying this as someone who did something similar.) Try taking the effort that you're putting into the emotional affair into your marriage. If you feel demoralized, give yourself a time frame for it, like six months. For those six months, throw that effort into your husband. It will feel like you're doing most of the work and that may be the case. If you can't get back on track after that and after having honest conversations with your spouse, then it may be time to leave. But you'll walk away knowing that you gave it your best effort.

ScarletOverkill Thu 18-Aug-16 14:57:23

Are you expecting anyone to say "go for it"? hmm

GrimmauldPlace Thu 18-Aug-16 14:59:56

What "help" are you looking for exactly? It's not like there is some higher force making you shag someone else. You've got two options. Cheat or don't cheat. Quite simple. If you aren't happy in your marriage, seek help for that or leave.

GrimmauldPlace Thu 18-Aug-16 15:01:00

Oh and "emotional affair" means you've already cheated.

Amythest001 Thu 18-Aug-16 15:03:35

The excitement you are getting out of it is nothing compared to the pain everyone else will feel.
I'm 11 months on from my husbands EA and I'm still struggling...I am also a totally different person now.
If you want to leave your husband do it but please don't bring anyone else into the marriage beforehand.

Razorlightnight Thu 18-Aug-16 15:04:05

Ugh. Don't do it. I found out last year my boyfriend was 'talking' to another woman. Can't describe how devasted I am because of it. He made a mockery out of our past and ruined our future - and has caused me trust issues for life.

Cut contact with ex (who's probably just saying pretending to bemiserable to get you into bed) and spend the time and energy on your partner instead. If that doesn't work then leave and hope ex does the same.

Razorlightnight Thu 18-Aug-16 15:04:37

You are already cheating by the way.

RunnyRattata Thu 18-Aug-16 15:06:27

Are you a decent person?
What would a decent person do?
They would sit their DH down and explain that they are very unhappy and that they are considering leaving the marriage.
Both partners then have choices - to work on the marriage or to end it.
All fair and open.
Other people here will tell you about the shitstorm you will create if you cheat. They'll be telling the truth. But basically, OP ask yourself are you a decent person?

NoBloodyMore Thu 18-Aug-16 15:07:15

I had an emotional affair and left my marriage within 4 weeks of it starting and before anything physical had happened, my now ex husband found out and the fall out has been horrific. I'm still seeing the man I left for and 9 months down the line things are starting to get that bit more serious but my exh is understandably incredibly angry with us and making it difficult at every turn.

My advice from somebody not that far down the line is leave your marriage or sort that before moving on.

glitterwhip Thu 18-Aug-16 15:09:39

You're already cheating, you're deceiving your husband and your children ..you're colluding in him deceiving his wife and possibly his children. Think of potential damage to these people!
Apart from anything else what he told you may not be true.
I don't know what response you want from this thread, you aren't going to get many people saying it's fine..either leave the relationship or cut off the ex and focus on fixing your marriage

adora1 Thu 18-Aug-16 15:11:38

What a truly horrible post, you're not in a Mills and Boon book, this is real life, you are already cheating on your husband - do what you like, you sound so self centred it's not real, just remember that you took vows and have already broken them, pity your OH and kids and no doubt the guy you are lusting over is married too. You are not a kid OP, you must be at least in your thirties. Either try and fix your relationship or get out, it's called being a grown up.

MatrixReloaded Thu 18-Aug-16 15:12:41

In the last six months I have become unhappy as our sex life is dwindling and my husband makes no effort to instigate anything or be more affectionate.

Maybe that's because you have detached from him and your now spending all your time on Facebook talking bollocks to your ex.

DraeneiMage Thu 18-Aug-16 15:15:31

My dad left my mum for the woman he was having a sly affair with.
He denies it to this day, I know better.

I've forgotten about it now because at the end of the day he is still my Dad, but for 2 years I didn't speak to him or see him and any chance I got I told him how disgusted I was.

My mum still hurts over it, she's sour and bitter and she can't talk about my Dad without slagging off him and his now wife (OW).

It's shit, it's a shit position for me, I hurt for 2 years over it and can't imagine how my mum felt.

If you're happy for that to be the outcome then, honestly, you deserve every bit of hate and vitriol you get after you have this affair.

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