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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Did I misunderstand him?

26 replies

Carmen2016 · 18/08/2016 11:41

Have had relationship issues with the BF for a few weeks now. We finally met up last week to talk things through. The one thing he said he would do if it came to it was that he would break up with me face to face. So last week we met up and I asked him "are we over" and he answered "I don't know". I suggested that maybe he would consider couples counseling and he replied he hadn't thought about it but would think about it. Just before he left he said "At the moment we aren't in a relationship" and we agreed to take some time to think about things.

I've been hanging on with hope that he would consider counseling and also that he hadn't replied definitely to my question. Then this week he messages and says "I'm sorry it didn't work out between us". I m more than a little cross and annoyed as to me it seemed that things were still open by what he had said. Did I see it wrong? I can't believe that even in the heat of things (and it wasn't an angry meeting ) I misread the whole thing. Was I wanting too much to hear him say "its over" when I asked as opposed to "I don't know".

OP posts:

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LottieL · 18/08/2016 11:45

He told you as he left that you weren't in a relationship anymore, or did I misunderstand? I think he was quite clear if he said that but I wouldn't want to assume if I havent understood what you meant well enough.

Aussiebean · 18/08/2016 11:45

He said 'from this moment we aren't in a relationship '

That seemed pretty clear to me. He ended it. I imagine he hadn't quite had the guts to actually say it in the beginning but got there in the end.

YouMakeMyDreams · 18/08/2016 11:48

I'm sorry. He was being a coward. He said these things to avoid a scene and sent the following up text to make his intentions clear without actually having to face you.
When I had my heart broken a few years ago there was a bit of similar toing and froing and the hope was the most painful part of it. But please don't beg him it will make you feel worse in the long run. You can't make him want to be with you. Lickey your wounds wallow a bit if necessary then start the process of moving on.

MiddleClassProblem · 18/08/2016 11:49

It sounds like during the convo he went from I don't know to knowing. You can't hold someone to the one thought when the conversation progresses. He could have been more clear but wasn't but definitely is now.

Willberry · 18/08/2016 11:58

I'm sorry I think he was quite clear by saying you weren't in a relationship at the moment. He did leave it a little open ended by saying he would consider the councelling suggesting there may have been a posibility of working things out and getting back together in the future but it does sound quite clear that he was ending things.

I know how easy it is to read what you want to from a conversation. I wasted years waiting for someone because I couldn't here what I didn't want to hear!

Carmen2016 · 18/08/2016 12:19

I'm angry because all together he kept me hanging on for another week whereas now I could be a week further into the grieving process. The use of the "at the moment" also was misleading as was the counseling consideration.

All he had to do was say "Its over" to me and I could have started my moving on....

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2016 12:24

Sorry, but you were being rather obtuse.

When someone is that reluctant to say anything for certain about your relationship, it's as dead as a very dead thing.

pinkyredrose · 18/08/2016 12:27

He definitely ended things. Maybe you just didn't want to believe it.

Queenbean · 18/08/2016 12:29

Very sorry but he ended things. Take the time you need to grieve for the relationship and be kind to yourself

doji · 18/08/2016 12:46

Do you actually want to be with him? Or are you just annoyed at the mixed messages? I don't think he meant to be a dick - it's really hard to tell someone to their face that you dont want to be together, especially if you care about them. Sounds like he was trying to let you down gently, but instead just left you hanging. It's upsetting, but as break ups go, it's really not that bad.

Jackie0 · 18/08/2016 12:53

"at the moment we aren't in a relationship"
That was him saying what he needed to say.
I hope you're okay OP

doji · 18/08/2016 12:55

Sorry that sounded really unsympathetic,(need to learn to read before posting). I think you're right that he didn't give you a straight answer, but I don't think he deliberately left you hanging. Sorry you're feeling crap about it right now though, hopefully it'll pass pretty quickly.

user1471520735 · 18/08/2016 12:56

it sounds like he wasn't too clear on what he wanted and you deserve better than to be left hanging on. I know it's horrible when you just want a definite answer so you can move on

Olgabloch · 18/08/2016 12:59

Both of you needs counseling, because there is lacking of interest what I can see, so couple therapy is the best way for you both, because at the end you want him back, so efforts are to be put in this condition. Just give a try to such therapy probably the results would be better.

Carmen2016 · 18/08/2016 12:59

Doji - I am annoyed at the mixed messages. He had to go away on business at the start of things breaking down and so I was left hanging for almost 2 weeks, then when he finally comes round to seeing me he sends mixed messages - why say "at the moment" - it implied that it might change, plus the whole counseling issue - I mean why say you'd think about it? I was left literally bereft for a week and he only responded after I'd messaged him. 3 weeks of hanging on and waiting has left me a wreck.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 18/08/2016 13:05

He wasn't being nice as he let you believe it was just a break.

You need to decide you don't want him. Delete his number. Block him. It won't be easy but you deserve better than someone who can play games.

LottieL · 18/08/2016 13:06

I think you thought more into it than he meant you to. He ended the relationship by the sounds of it, but by him saying "at the moment" you let yourself believe that might chance. He may not have wanted to hurt you by being blunt, or was being a coward but it was over at the end of that conversation and the fact that it cut you up and made you unwell sadly has to rest with how you took it - though I'm sorry you have suffered whatever the case, break ups are hard without your mind playing tricks on you too 🙁

Carmen2016 · 18/08/2016 13:25

Given how controlled he was and how huge a thing it is I'd have hoped that he would have been less ambiguous and more straightforward - especially how he had always promised he would tell me in person. OK the "we are not in a relationship" would have been clear, but everything else only seemed to give me more hope.

He isn't helping by not wanting me to collect my things/drop off his things until the bank holiday weekend.

Thank you all for your input. Day 1 I guess.....

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/08/2016 13:43

You suggested couples counselling? Are you kidding?

Not married, no kids, not living together. When it goes wrong, you end it. Not couples counselling!!!

You had a prior agreement about the manner in which he would dump you when he felt like it! Eh? What?! No!

Maybe possible if you agreed that you would dump him in person too if you went off him. Or was that never an option?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/08/2016 13:47

Posted too soon.

My point was, what were you thinking! Where's your self respect? Where are your boundaries?

For a start, fuck off waiting until the bank holiday just because he said so.

Go round there tonight with his things in a box and demand yours back. You seem to have set him up as your lord and master at whose feet you grovel for crumbs. Come on, surely you are better than that?!

TheNaze73 · 18/08/2016 13:54

Must say Runrabbit has nailed it. He's clearly not interested. Stop dancing to his tune. Dust yourself down, pick your stuff up ASAP & move on

Carmen2016 · 18/08/2016 16:01

Why did I think couples counseling was a good option after a year - because sometimes you don't have all the answers between yourselves and you need someone to look at you from the outside and maybe steer things along. There were many good elements to this relationship and I thought it was worth trying to save them as opposed to just giving up.

OP posts:

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TheNaze73 · 18/08/2016 16:27

Seriously? You shouldn't need counselling after a year OP. A year into a relationship, should be relatively easy, dating & having fun & seeing if you're a good fit if you both see it long term.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/08/2016 18:12

Aim higher than good elements

What did you learn about relationships growing up?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/08/2016 19:10

Carmen as a general rule of thumb, if you need couples counselling before children and marriage then the relationship is not a good one.

What do you mean by "steering"? Do you mean getting the other person to behave like the person you wish they were rather than the person they are?

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