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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support. actually can "just do it"....

(9 Posts)
GymBergerac Thu 18-Aug-16 07:39:13

I don't often venture into "relationships" but after an accidental "mis-click" I've just spent an hour breaking my heart reading stories here of people who are at their wits end, and are on the receiving end of the most appalling abuse, both with and without children.

The most common thing I'm seeing is "this happens.... But I can't leave him".......sad

I know all situations are different, and sometimes it seems impossible/wrong/terrifying to leave, but I just wanted to say, please believe me, if you need to get away from the abuse, and you need to be somewhere safe, then you absolutely CAN make it happen.

Because if you don't do it, you need to think about how dreadful things have to get before you would leave....

Twenty years ago, I was eight years into a brutal relationship where I was beaten, raped, verbally and mentally abused, mostly with two little children in the home. "He" used to "share me" with his friends whilst he watched, and if I was a good girl, I'd get a couple of days peace until the next time. I was thrown down the stairs and kicked out of the house naked into the snow. I was locked in the house and beaten. My every move was watched and my life was not my own. And all along, I thought "I must deserve this.....i can't leave"

And then one night, out of the blue after a beating, as I lay in bed, I could vividly picture myself going to the kitchen, taking a knife and finishing him, just to make it stop. And that was what it took.... The realisation that I had become someone who could consider ending another's life.

The next day I told a friend, we told the police, and two little children and one bruised, frightened girl started a new life. It was messy, and difficult, and I was scared of my own shadow four years. But I did it.

So I just want to say, to all those women experiencing the worst of life, if you need to leave and are questioning whether you can...... You absolutely CAN do it. Tell a friend, tell the police, tell Women's Aid. Please, please do it.......

There is a better life out there, please go and find it x

RickOShay Thu 18-Aug-16 08:46:00

Gym, i just want to say well done to you for leaving, and I am so sorry about what happened to you. flowers.

rememberthetime Thu 18-Aug-16 11:13:19

That was harrowing. Well done for getting out. I can't imagine how hard it must have been.

I think that's the thing though. (and not detracting at all from your experience). When you are in a "low level" and non-violent relationship, you question yourself all the time. There are no bruises, no swearing and shouting, no obvious signs tot he outside world. Just a low level of emotional abuse that seems never-ending.

it can be so hard to even see it is damaging you, let alone consider leaving it.

That is why getting support is so important and talking to people. Only then can you see that your relationship is different to other's. And listen to your instincts.

DaDman66 Thu 18-Aug-16 11:43:47

I'm sorry you've been through all that. Hellish.

It can be hard to leave an abusive relationship though. Abusers exercise control over their victims, making them feel they can't leave. "i'll keep the kids, the house" etc.

My ex wife was in a similar relationship before she met me. She had no where to go and felt that if she left he'd keep everything, including her child. The abusive partner was well respected in the community and she believed no one would believe her.
When she did leave he managed to take the child, the house etc. She ended up in a hostel. She turned it round in the end, but the courage it took her to leave and then take him to court was hard to conjure up.

bert3400 Thu 18-Aug-16 18:41:07

You are an inspiration Gym ...I have never experienced an abusive relationship but I did watch my mum being abused by my then stepfather , she finally left after 7 years of hell and has never looked back . Your story is amazing . I hope you have had a happy life since you left xxxx

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Aug-16 18:44:53

You are amazing for getting out of that horrible situation, OP. I would put a guy (and his friends) like that in prison for the rest of their lives.


GymBergerac Thu 18-Aug-16 21:29:09

For what it's worth for those who have asked, life ended up just as it should have been in the first place, safe and happy with a good bloke who loves me. Despite years of thinking it could never happen and there would never be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I totally understand how impossible it can feel when you have nothing and think you just can't get out, but I did want to give a little bit of hope to others who are struggling with that initial fear.
[Flowers] to everyone out there who is fighting the battle that they can't yet talk about. There is life after it all.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Aug-16 21:41:39

I'm so glad everything worked out. Where did you meet your new man?

GymBergerac Thu 18-Aug-16 22:56:35

Lovely Dh and I worked together, had known each other for a little while before it turned into anything and just clicked. It just worked. It all happened quite quickly and I was really not looking for anything new but it just happened. He's smart and kind and funny, and incredibly patient when I've been quickly and scared of my own shadow. There are nice guys out there and sometimes they just appear when you don't expect out!!

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