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Living in the same house nightmare

(22 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

darth23 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:48:41

I'm stuck here is this nightmare. Nowhere to go. I've been a SAHM for 12yrs. Husband is controlling and mentally abusive. He controls everything financially, I'm trapped. The house is in joint names and the cars. I'm resigned to the fact that I'm going to have to live and sleep in the box room when he's home to get away from the abuse. I have to ask him for money for everything and justify it. I know I need to get away but I have nothing and nobody. It's very draining being treated so degradingly. I still cook and clean clothes for him it's not worth the trouble if I don't, he knows I'm trapped.

FreeFromHarm Wed 17-Aug-16 23:54:31

I am so sorry what you are going through, have you contacted women's aid ? it is abuse, you need to seek legal advice, you are not alone

darth23 Thu 18-Aug-16 00:13:54

I've been trying go get through to women's aid since Saturday but they never answer. I understand they are busy and I can only ring when I get the chance.

FreeFromHarm Thu 18-Aug-16 00:19:13

please keep trying, are you safe ? is he abusive to ?

MiaowJario Thu 18-Aug-16 00:20:00

Can a friend or relative come to stay for a bit? Sorry to mention it if you are too isolated for that to be an option. It won't solve anything but it might give you s break.

darth23 Thu 18-Aug-16 09:40:32

I'm safe enough, I haven't got anyone I can ask to stay with me. It doesn't really help when someone does stay. MIL used to stay with us and my husband would still be horrible to me when she left the room. Mother's Day was so hurtful, I handed MIL her present and it was so awkward because I hadn't got one. When she went outside my husband said I didn't deserve anything, I was devastated and somehow held it together. MIL is no help, she turns a blind eye to his behaviour, she knows deep down he can be nasty but chooses to pretend it doesn't happen. I tried talking to her once but was knocked down with her worrying that if she got involved it would upset him and affect their relationship. She has been through emotional and physical abuse herself so I thought she'd understand but a brick wall went up.

darth23 Thu 18-Aug-16 09:57:26

I'm actually sat here feeling torn and I know it's wrong. I want to take my children out for the day nothing extravagant. But in the past when I've even taken them for an ice cream I'm 'told off' about it. Apparently it's not fair that I get to go out for the day enjoying myself eating ice cream whilst he's working hard. Believe me I'm not enjoying myself I'm worrying how I'm going to explain what I've done and why! I do try to tell the children not to mention treats like this if they can help it because the negativity we/I get afterwards it's awful. So most of the holidays are spent in the house for fear of upsetting/having to much fun. We do go out at weekend but it's like being out with my dad telling me no all the time. It's unbelievable I know but almost normal here.

popup2 Sat 20-Aug-16 22:03:45

After playing the blame game it's now the silent treatment.

TeenyW123 Sun 21-Aug-16 00:32:32

Ask for this to be moved to relationships. You'll get a much more informed and specific response. More traffic too.

KatherineMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 24-Aug-16 16:10:00

We're just going to move this over to Relationships, at the OP's request.

OP - we're so sorry to hear you are going through this. Here is our domestic abuse webguide - we hope you might some helpful links here:

Very best wishes from MNHQ flowers

FuzzyDiamond Wed 24-Aug-16 16:53:42

Please don't stay in this situation! You have to find some strength to leave him for the sake of your sanity and kids. It's hard starting over but it will be harder to stay in this life, your kids need you to step up and fight for a better life for you all.

Keep trying women's aid, see a solicitor and phone Samaritans for some support.

You don't have nothing and nobody, you have children that need you. Please don't give up on yourself.

Shayelle Wed 24-Aug-16 17:02:14

You and your kids deserve a happy life darth23. You can get it x

darth23 Wed 24-Aug-16 18:00:51

I managed to get through to women's aid today, it wasn't easy to talk about these thing to someone especially has I haven't mentioned anything to anyone before. They have given me hope

BeMorePanda Wed 24-Aug-16 18:05:36

Take that hope and build on it. I hope you can start building an exit plan. You and your DC deserve so much better.

flowers (belated, for Mothers Day)

FuzzyDiamond Wed 24-Aug-16 18:19:13

Fantastic, I'm so happy you got through. Hold onto that feeling of hope and keep making little steps. You are so brave for posting here and calling women's aid flowers

MiaowJario Thu 25-Aug-16 00:28:53

Glad to hear that flowers

keepingonrunning Thu 25-Aug-16 01:02:14

Discreetly get all of your important documents - financial info, passports, birth/marriage certificates and copies of your H's financial documents out of your home to a family members' or friends. Also your cherished possessions in case he steals, damages or destroys them to get back at you.
Make notes every day, of the abuse and how you are feeling: emotional, financial, psychological, physical - it's all regarded with the same level of significance - with a view to possibly seeking a non-molestation order to require him to leave the family home at some point. Your application would need recent specific examples preferably. Then get those notes, too, out of your home to a safe place for storage.
If you feel intimidated phone 101 to report it or 999 if you are really worried. It's not ok and you do not have to put up with that type of behaviour.
Cover your tracks online and on your phone.
Contact for advice about claiming child maintenance from your H, child tax credits, child benefit, finding a job of 16 hrs per week min. for eligibility to working tax credits, income support. You might be able to manage better financially as a single parent than you think. Be strong, you can do what you need to do for you and your DC, to get yourselves away from H's toxic influence.
Book a free half hour appointment with a solicitor to find out how you and DC can stay in the family home and have H leave.

keepingonrunning Thu 25-Aug-16 01:06:37

* I haven't got anyone I can ask to stay with me*

Has H played a part in making it difficult for you to keep in contact with friends and family? If yes, note that down in your journal too.

FV45 Thu 25-Aug-16 01:24:35

running a non-mol order does not mean the abuser leaves the home, that's an occupation order. A non-mol is to stop harassment, threats etc.

I went for a non-mol ex parte and it was not granted. I could have gone to a hearing with ex (we are still living in the same home) but there was no way I was having him served with papers while we were under the same roof.

I had police records, evidence from GP, friends, my own very long diary condensed, and it was still not enough to grant ex parte. The law does not do enough IMO to protect against EA.

Just be wary of the path you take OP, where there is physical abuse it's more black and white, but harder with EA

keepingonrunning Thu 25-Aug-16 08:51:46

FV45 Thank you for correction. Was your experience recent? I would hope the situation has improved since the new law regarding emotional abuse came into effect at end of Dec. In my case before then, judge in morning agreed to a non-mol order. I hesitated, having learnt I would still have to live under same room as H until another hearing, where H would be present to decide about granting an occupation order. I went back to court in the afternoon and a different judge said 'no'.
I agree it is a difficult decision pursuing legal action while living under same roof as H. Suggest OP sees a solicitor.

FV45 Thu 25-Aug-16 09:14:52

It was in June. One of the worst days of my life. Felt utterly let down.

keepingonrunning Thu 25-Aug-16 10:40:52

Me too FV45. Couldn't believe the law could be so inconsistent. The second judge irritatedly dismissed my case as "divorce-type squabbles", barely gave me the time of day.

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