Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Refusing cunilingus

(45 Posts)
Puzzled1 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:35:21

I need some clarity if possible.

I understand that some people oral sex do not enjoy oral sex, either giving or receiving. (If you think about it in a non arousal state it can seem either comical or unhygienic). So I have no problem if someone feels that way and that would really rather avoid any oral sex.

But DW used to enjoy it a lot. Sometimes daily and sometimes it would be the only thing she would want.

In the past few years, -whenever- most times when she senses I might go in that general direction she pushes me away.

The few times she does allow me to do it on her I appears that she really enjoys it and does have an orgasm.

So my question is, if she is capable of enjoying it, why would she refuses it most times?

Some of my suspicions are:

a preference coming via full intercourse because it's more intimate.
she feels it may be dirty
I am not sure about this, but it might have been since pregnancy that she started feeling that way

It's not a big issue but I am quite puzzled so any explanation is welcome.

Joysmum Wed 17-Aug-16 23:37:41

Have you asked her?

TheGrumpySquirrel Wed 17-Aug-16 23:38:02

I don't love it TBH and would need to be 100% "in the mood" .. It can feel distant and a bit self conscious.

Somerville Wed 17-Aug-16 23:38:58

People change. Their physiology changes. Their preferences change. Their relationships change.

Is there a reason you can't ask her?

SandyY2K Wed 17-Aug-16 23:39:12

Maybe it's just a case of not being in the mood to receive it.

Or not feeling as fresh as she'd like at that moment in time.

Have you asked her?

Missgraeme Wed 17-Aug-16 23:39:17

Is your dw still pregnant? Women usually have more natural discharge during pregnancy - she may be worried about how this looks /tastes. Also sometimes it gets a bit swollen or puffy down there during pregnancy - she may think she doesn't look the same down there and u may not like the way it looks now!

WorryMcStressHead Wed 17-Aug-16 23:40:02

Sometimes I don't want to do it because I know I'll take ages to have an orgasm and it makes me self conscious. It could be that?

Also after I had my first child a long time ago my clitoris just wasn't feeling it for a while. Could be that too. Why don't you ask her?

Puzzled1 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:44:37

Thanks for your input.

Haven't asked because I don't want to draw attention to it and it doesn't seem as though there is a good moment during the day when I can say "hey, that cunnilingus thing, why aren't you into it anymore"?

No recent pregnancy.

She may be worried how it tastes to me and then to her if we kissed so she might prefer not do it.

It's the fact that it's not completely off that is a puzzle.

ayeokthen Wed 17-Aug-16 23:45:32

Unless I'm just out of the shower I really can't cope with it. It works the other way too to be fair. It's nothing against DP, I just can't get into it if I'm not straight out of the shower.

Temporaryanonymity Wed 17-Aug-16 23:47:25

I think if you are close enough to want to stick your tongue over her clit then you really ought to be able to talk about why she isn't as into it anymore.

Puzzled1 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:48:10

So for you it's a matter of yourself feeling 100% clean and fresh? I can understand that.

Puzzled1 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:50:00

Your argument is well put, I just am afraid I might ruin the mood for a long while, as if I were suggesting there is something wrong with her.

Somerville Wed 17-Aug-16 23:51:08

I find it bewildering that so many adults can do things in bed with someone that they can't discuss in the cold light of day. confused

In fact, maybe that's your answer, OP. Oral is a pretty intimate thing to give or receive - I wouldn't do either except with someone I can be fully open with. About my feelings, about changes in my body and mind, about my likes and dislikes and how the alter as I age. The closer emotional intimacy I experience in a relationship, the better our physical intimacy becomes. Try focussing on the first, rather than the second.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 17-Aug-16 23:52:23

If it's changed since she had a baby, it could be that she is concerned that things aren't all that pretty down there since squeezing a person out, or that her pelvic floor isn't as reliable as it used to be and she doesn't want to pee on your face.

I've never been fond of it as it's so intense and I would feel very vulnerable. I'm more than happy to give without receiving but like others, shower fresh is preferable.

Could it be that she is refusing so that she doesn't feel obliged to reciprocate?

Puzzled1 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:55:42

Hi MarkRC. You are touching on the other possibility which is that if she is going to orgasm or be at all sexual, she would much prefer intercourse, body to body, which is more wholesome.

But no, I never ever ask for reciprocation nor expect.

happyandsingle Wed 17-Aug-16 23:57:31

unless a man knows what he's doing the experience is either brilliant or so bad it makes you cringe.
I can't stand it to be honest maybe your wife just simply doesn't enjoy it any more but occasionally puts up with it because she knows you enjoy doing it.
women can be good at faking enjoyment of something they don't really enjoy much.

Somerville Wed 17-Aug-16 23:59:36

Wholesome hmm

Puzzled1 Thu 18-Aug-16 00:03:46

complete? fulfilling?

DailyMailPenisPieces Thu 18-Aug-16 00:10:40

Just ask her!

Somerville Thu 18-Aug-16 00:10:45

Ummm. Maybe. If she's one of the small minority of women who orgasm from PIV intercourse.

Listen, talk to your wife. Don't frame it in a negative way - 'why do you dislike this thing you used to like'. Frame it positively: something like 'I've noticed that you seem to prefer different things in bed to what you've liked in the past: is there anything I'm not doing now that I could be doing?'
Ask is over a glass of wine while you're flirting and having a laugh.
Or whisper it in her ear while you're snogging in bed.
Whether or not she explains the full reason she's gone off it (maybe she isn't sure herself... humans aren't entirely rational creatures) it sounds like some better communication is needed in this relationship.

WankStainWasher Thu 18-Aug-16 00:13:11

Yup, things loosen up after a baby and maybe instead of enjoying it she's tensed up worrying about a fart slipping out...

JustForThisTopic Thu 18-Aug-16 00:13:21

Come on OP - surely you can find a moment to say 'Hey, LovelyWife, you used to really like me going down on you - am I doing something different that you don't like now or has something else changed for you?'

It's not that difficult to discuss, surely.

I love it if I'm straight out of the shower, but otherwise feel too self conscious these days. Our bodies change as we go through different stages in life & I no longer feel fresh enough to enjoy it without showering immediately before, whereas when I was younger I would have felt fresh enough and it enjoyed it anytime.

I'm not sure 'wholesome' is the word I'd have used, but I 'get' what she/you mean about full body to body contact. It depends what mood I'm in, but it's unusual for us not to do both (oral & PIV) unless it's a real quickie which can be either or, or other stuff.

Just talk to her.

WorraLiberty Thu 18-Aug-16 00:13:33

You seriously need to ask her if you want to know the answer to your question.

The good people of Mumsnet can probably tell you why your roast potatoes aren't crispy, why telling your wife that you've done the washing up for her is sexist, why your monthly food bill is too high.

But the one thing we can't tell you is why your wife no longer likes oral sex.

My guess is the use of the word 'cunnilingus', dries her up quicker than sawdust on a puddle of sick, but maybe that's just me grin

Seriously, just have that chat.

gaggiagirl Thu 18-Aug-16 00:14:43

I love receiving oral from DH. There have been a few times I've turned him down, I'll just list the reasons, might give you some clues..
Not being shower fresh.
Not being warmed up enough first
Buggered pelvic floor after giving birth

Puzzled1 Thu 18-Aug-16 00:25:52

OK thanks for your input.

I guess I'll smoothly introduce the topic between a discussion on the best laundry detergent and another on possibly remortgaging our house.

I'm sure it will go unnoticed and I'll get the elusive answer.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now