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Betrayal after 7 years - Need help

(8 Posts)
rm2016 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:12:22

Hello this is my first post here. I am male, a husband, a father and very disturbed at the moment. There are other relationship forums out there but mumsnet is a trusted one so am posting here. Looking for some advise and what others have done who were in the same situation.

The story...

Am 34 married for 7 years now and have a loving daughter (right now she's my everything I live for). My wife is 30. Our relationship was all good at the start of marriage. We had a lot of fun outings etc. A normal relationship. We had our first kid 4 years ago. Everything was very nice and happy. Then We started to argue a bit on very small things nothing serious. Very little things revolving around the baby and mostly due to sleepless nights (usual thing after a new born baby). With time things started getting well. however my wife always complained about not supporting her after pregnancy. But (am being very honest here) I did all I can to take care of the baby ..even holding a crying baby on shoulder all night and try to make baby sleep, nappy changing, washing/sanitizing milk bottles at 3am in the night and plus having to go to work all day. I honestly feel it was a joint effort (me and my wife) to handle the extra load of work. But I always used to get those taunts from my wife when at social gathering, when in a group of friends... I didn't really mind but to be honest I got pissed at times... that was it.. nothing serious nothing alarming over the past years we still enjoyed outings, watching movies.. inviting friends at dinner etc etc...

Now about a couple of months ago I discovered she is cheating on me from last one and a half year with one of my close friend (at least I thought he was close). It was the shock of my life. I never thought I will see such a day in my life. I fortunately happened to catch her red-handed. On confronting she confessed everything and say she is very sorry. Long story short.... I won't go in details what all they did and stuff.... she says it was just infatuation nothing else and it will never ever happen again..

I do not want our relationship to end and after lot of time I decided to forgive and move on...My daughter is very fond of her (of course very obvious she is a mother) and as a mother my wife is also very good and caring. Thats very reason I decided to forget & move on. I do not want my child to ever suffer because of us.

Ok that said.. now I am finding it very difficult to forget what happened to me. Every time every moment i feel insulted. My life is just shattered and trying to get it back again. However hard I try to forget as soon I reach home in evening the thoughts of betrayal surround my mind like hell...

Am not sure if counselling will help at all... Sorry for such a long post I just felt like sharing with someone and posted it here ... I don't have anyone to share it with as all the people around me know my wife as well as that friend she was having affair with. I fear embarrassment. Its such a shame I always thought myself to be a sound and mature person but strange that am not able to deal with it....

Are there any good online counselors I can talk to?

Thanks for reading...

MargoReadbetter Wed 17-Aug-16 23:23:37

Would couple counselling help? You're both going through a tough time. Best wishes.

Ineversaid16 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:27:30

Your intentions are good but I don't think you will get back what you had. flowers

SandyY2K Wed 17-Aug-16 23:27:38

You won't just be able to forget and move on if you don't get to the bottom of why she did this. Otherwise what's to stop it happening again?

Since the affair ended what is she doing to show she's a safe partner?

Talk is cheap. What actions are you seeing from her?

I'm a firm believer in consequences. What consequences is she facing for the affair?

Did she ever get the feeling you might leave her? Or was she safe in the knowledge you'd stay right there?

Reconciling after an affair is very tough. You need your wife's help to heal.

Have a read on this site. The healing library is useful.

HappyJanuary Wed 17-Aug-16 23:29:54

What is your wife doing to reassure you and rescue the marriage? She can't expect to sweep it under the carpet. You will understandably have lots of questions and insecurities, and she should be doing everything you ask and more to help you move on and trust her again.

What do you think would help? Talking about it, asking lots of questions, knowing where she is at all times, having her reassure you that she loves you, cutting off all contact with the other man, what?

If she won't do what you need, or if she's doing it but it isn't helping, then you could try Relate but I suspect in those circumstances you would be better calling it a day. Your daughter wants two happy parents, not two miserable ones. If your daughter was in your situation as an adult, what would your advice to her be?

IreallyKNOWiamright Thu 18-Aug-16 08:49:38

You have had your trust broken by two people you trusted. I think you should consider couples counselling; but I think you have realised, that as much taking as you can do, the trust Is gone. Once it is gone I don't see, how you can move forward. I hope there will be more wise advice soon to help

TheNaze73 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:00:04

It's the worst betrayal, being metaphorically stabbed in the back by the two people in the world you should be able to trust the most. I wouldn't be able to trust someone that did that to me & would have not end things

rm2016 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:55:45

Thank you all for reading and replying. Much appreciate.

I will go for couple counselling. I had this discussion with my wife already and she is ready too.

@SandyY2K: I am seeing some changes in her. But its too early to conclude anything. She has stopped all her online social activities (instagram, snapchat, twitter, fb) this is where she used to spend all her time earlier. She changed two jobs after that to get higher pay. Earning money (to make a living not just for her own shopping ) which she never bothered before as I was there to take care of finance. After getting caught I made it very clear that she has to contribute 50% towards utility bills, rent, insurance, groceries etc. Basically my move to make her serious about what it takes to make a living and take responsibilities. I feel somewhere I should have done it long before. The freedom (without responsibility) I think made her mind wander.

I never ever bothered about money earlier because I believe as a family its never you and me. Whatever we have its for all in the family. But now equation has changed. What she earns will not even suffice rent and groceries let alone comfort and lifestyle.

These are the consequences she is facing. She now (I hope) learned that if she needs anything she needs to earn it. I do see a change there.

Definitely I will need her help SandyY2K. To be honest I can't think of separation right now. But if this happens again I am very sure separation is the only way and she knows it.

I am a believer of forgiving once. Everyone deserves ONE chance. And I have already decided to give one. Only thing how much time I take to completely put this behind. Thanks for the link

@HappyJanuary: I am seeing the difference as said above her nature of being careless is now seen to be reducing. I have to be fare here as habits will take some time to change. I am having a feeling that we have reached a point in our relation where she is on probation for about a year.(strange but true) I just want to give a fair change. Later on in future if we separate I will not have regret on my end that I did not try enough to re-built. I've been watching many videos on youtube by Steven Stosny "Living and Loving after betrayal" also his book on the subject. Ultimately if I ask myself "Do I want separation and end it?" NO is the answer I get. But living with it is what am finding it difficult. Yes I do fear that things may not be the same ever again but would like to give months may be couple of years as I do not want to make any decision in heat & anger.

For now am leaving it on time. I don't know am I doing right or wrong or being just a fool to do this .... too many unanswered questions.. a turmoil of thoughts ...... My daughter was yesterday watching Disney's Frozen movie once again... the trolls in the movie easily erase princess Anna's memory of an event... I wish we humans had such technology!!!!

Thanks all.

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