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Need to leave my husband.

(22 Posts)
RadiatorBlues Wed 17-Aug-16 22:56:22

Why is life so difficult for me to navigate?

Sorry for the self pitying rant.

I need to leave my husband.

SAHM with literally not a penny.
2 (young) school age kids.

We had a trial separation last year but managed to bring it back from the brink but I just want a clean break.

I don't need him in my life. He checks out of the family as he pleases. Spends all his time at the gym - every night nearly. Or watching Netflix. Or staying up til 3am and sleeping the next day away on the weekend. Goes our weekly or more with friends. Clubbing. Or drinking or whatever the fuck they do. Closes the door on us. Ignores us. Picks us up when he's bored perhaps.

However I am financially reliant on him. Poor self belief and get go mean I'm unemployed.

I need to find a job so I can leave him.

Not sure why it all came to a head. Something small has escalated.

I think I deserve to be loved. And to give love. Or not. And live alone peacefully, without the failure of a relationship hanging around.

I need to do this. I'm not scared of leaving at all. I am ready for that and I have had practice and not worried about the kids at all - he barely gives them attention for them to care he's gone.

But I'm worried about money. I need to find a job. Worried. Pressure.

SystemAticcally Wed 17-Aug-16 23:01:29

Move with your parents and take it from there?

You need to save money too.

Kittencatkins123 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:01:33

You do deserve to love and be loved and your kids deserve to be around that or a happy single you! I've never been married so others will be able to give you much better advice on the steps to take but you can and will escape this non-relationship and you and your kids can lead happy lives away from this utterly selfish (to the point of cruelty) joy-vaccuum. Keep posting, everyone is so brilliant on here flowers cake xxx

Lilacpink40 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:05:33

Everyone deserves respect and love. You need to get out as you are clearly aware that you're missing out on this and it's damaging you.

As well as advice on here, play 'devil's advocate' with yourself. How many barriers are only there because you've put them there?

Lilacpink40 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:06:42

Sorry probably sounded harsh - but I think you're looking for a push to motivate you? flowers

RadiatorBlues Wed 17-Aug-16 23:17:14

Thanks for the sweet replies. Nice to read whilst sitting in a car park calming down.

And lilac I absolutely love that concept that barriers are only there because I've put them up. Empowering thought definitely, and one to muse over.

Unfortunately living with parents is not an option but a good idea.

I think making the decision is the hardest part and the rest is all task based essentially. There's no emotional reticence, or whatever the correct word is, so everything will be easier.

I might go home to bed and then wake up fresh.

everything will be ok.
Luckily he is in an Ok salary and is not an evil man , just careless and heartless beyond belief, and will financially support his kids as best he can. Obviously long term i want to be on my own two feet.

Lilacpink40 Wed 17-Aug-16 23:23:18

careless and heartless I'd say are pretty evil to you as a human being. He may pay for things, but you need emotional support or to go it alone.

I feel less lonely alone then I did married. Now talking with someone new (8 months after STBXH left for OW). I'm not worried if new relationship works or doesn't as I'm in much better emotional state (be lovely if it did).

user765 Thu 18-Aug-16 22:52:56

I could have written this myself. My DP does all of the above. When he is at home he is in bed or makes excuses to go out to avoid helping with bath time etc, happily letting ds cry while I struggle on my own. He belittles me and makes me feel guilty for being on mat leave twice (dd is 3 and ds is 4 months) saying I don't contribute financially (ignores the fact my mat pay pays mortgage and food shopping). He is a miserable, angry person and takes his moods out on me and the kids (not physically but shouts angrily a lot and breaks stuff). I am miserable but like you cannot afford to just leave and rent somewhere. What on earth do I do?

mazcan Thu 18-Aug-16 23:04:02

Hi ladies, I was in this situation, my husband was a chronic alcoholic, I did everything and I mean everything for our family, held it together for him and the kids and cried behind closed doors, if it hadn't been for my kids I would of drove my car into a wall I was that down with my life. ...however I left him and took up on my own with the kids. ..I felt guilty as he was in a state but. ..he died because of his alcohol abuse. ....four years ago now.... and I've subsequently found out that he was seeing his ex wife all the time we were together and if she'd of had him back he'd of left me without a backward glance. This really pissed me off, he was a control freak,in 15yrs I wasn't allowed a night out with the girls etc etc. ....the point of my story girls is life's too frigging short,if he doesn't mke u happy get out now, like right now, u cud be dead tomorrow, or worse still u cud put up with another 15yrs and be second best, good luck ladies Xx

ThinkingForever Thu 18-Aug-16 23:06:33

First off OP you seem in a very clear emotional space, with a true handle on your situation and what needs to be done, amazing.

The practicalities of a job and a home are not easy, but they are doable if you start now and just keep at it. Just going out and acting in the world makes things happen, even if fear wants us to stay put! I think its also worth getting some legal advice as to where you stand and what you will be entitled to financially when you separate.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Thu 18-Aug-16 23:30:06

Housing would be a problem I think

Bigger than getting a job.... I have a friend in same situation and very very few landlords will let to anyone without a present job or in receipt of any housing benefit.

Even with a good deposit and guarantor they don't want to know

Would he move out?

Cary2012 Fri 19-Aug-16 08:24:54

OP, go to your local CAB office for free advice about the financial stuff. Also go on the calculator on, put in the details as a single mum (like you've already left him). Start squirreling little amounts of money away, like cash back on the supermarket shop. All helps. Set yourself a goal date of when you want out, so you have an incentive. It is doable. You sound very certain. He sounds very self absorbed and selfish.

pallasathena Fri 19-Aug-16 11:43:42

I'd start divorce proceedings. He needs a wake-up call and either way, whether you go through with it or not, you need to assert yourself and get some sort of closure on the situation.

RadiatorBlues Sun 21-Aug-16 21:54:43

mazcan You've been through a lot. You must be brave and strong - I'm sorry you've been burdened with difficult information after he's died. It must be hard to process that.

Feeling sad tonight as am lonely. Summer holidays so I'm just trying to let the children enjoy a nice holiday. And just trying to get through the long days.

He didn't come home the night before last as he was "out with friends". Then today is awol again. No idea if he will be back tonight or not. There's little/no communication between us at the moment.

Feels too overwhelming to manage house and job issues at the moment. I feel like waiting till they're back at school as there are only a couple of weeks to go.

I hate him. Looking through photos of kids when they were younger and we've got such a beautiful family. Healthy, cute children, a house, comfort. Nothing needed to be a problem.

Thank you for taking the advice to speak to me everyone and offer your thoughts.

He would move out. But. Oh. I am tired. I feel too weak to handle everything on my own. We rent.

RadiatorBlues Sun 21-Aug-16 21:55:23

I think it was our ten year anniversary a day or two ago.

RadiatorBlues Sun 21-Aug-16 22:26:43

Well he's now admitted he is staying over at a girls house who MAY (he says) be his girlfriend.
I want to throw his clothes out of The front of the house but i don't think tats very dignified. I lonely and pissed off.

Lillygolightly Sun 21-Aug-16 22:44:04

You may be lonely and pissed off but the silly idiot has just given you the best reason/excuse to end this marriage! He has put himself so clearly and obviously in the wrong that he has given you the power and your in a position of strength. Take it and use it well.

Take this opportunity to get him to leave, guilt the shit out of him if you have to. Contact tax credits, CSA, and the benefits office. This will all help to tide you over until you get sorted with a job and childcare.

With what he has said and with where he claims he is, whilst it maybe painful to hear/think he has honestly given you a great gift of showing himself to be an unfaithful and uncaring git and someone you are clearly much better off without.

ImperialBlether Sun 21-Aug-16 22:47:02

Grab the opportunity! He's so clearly in the wrong and can't deny it. You'll feel so much happier once he's gone.

MangoMoon Sun 21-Aug-16 22:47:05

What a shit he is.

Emotionally, you've already done the hardest part which is realising that you really don't want to be in a couple with him anymore - the rest is mostly practicalities.

Go see your GP, offload onto them about all that you're feeling and going through.
Also, as PP have said, go and get as much advice as possible re what you're entitled to financially etc.

You deserve so much more than this - don't see this as the end though, it's the beginning of a new chapter.

Lots of love & strength to you xx

RadiatorBlues Sun 21-Aug-16 22:52:07

I don't want to have to rely on benefits. Beauracracy scares me. I don't want to grow up.
My most stupid and truest thoughts.

RadiatorBlues Sun 21-Aug-16 22:53:12

Thank you all. I feel so pathetic and the complete opposite of a strong independent woman. I feel weak and dependent and a blubbering mess.

RadiatorBlues Mon 22-Aug-16 00:28:11

Don't feel i can get to sleep tonight.
Feel so lonely.
Really don't think it will work but I'm going to try Netflix.

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