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Does it ever stop?

(33 Posts)
Dollygirl2008 Wed 17-Aug-16 14:22:41

So, there are plenty of my original threads from a year ago - OH left me after 25 years for woman at work, 1 x DC involved and she has DC's as well. I had some amazing support from this forum.

So, literally a year down the line and I hoped I'd have moved on. And I have albeit slowly. However, just when I thought I was turning a corner, he announces that he's going to ask the OW to marry him. I'm floored. 25 years with me and he never wanted to get married. 1 year with her.

It just keeps going over in my head "**** is getting married". I hear myself saying it outloud. I picture him at the alter, looking at her like he never wanted to look at me. Their first dance. It all hurts so much.

Don't know why I'm posting really, but I'm just hurt beyond belief all over again and could do with some rationale and kind, uplifting words.

Thanks for reading.

Razorlightnight Wed 17-Aug-16 15:04:00

Much sympathy - that must really hurt.

I'm looking at ways of ridding myself of my own resentment at the moment. If I have any luck I'll let you know. Take care.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 17-Aug-16 15:11:58

It's hard when someone you love does something with someone else and not you, especially when you would have done it with them no matter what it is.

I wish I had words of wisdom but can't think of any. There could be ten reasons why he dint marry you, why he wants to marry her, none of which mean there is anything wrong with you.


HappyJanuary Wed 17-Aug-16 15:13:35

I'm sorry that you're hurting. I'm in a similar situation but no wedding announcement yet.

My advice would be to fake a big happy unconcerned smile while continuing to work on building your own new life. I know it's a cliche, but the only thing that will help is time.

FWIW, second marriages, especially those arising from affairs, are statistically very likely to fail. And really, he wasn't the person you thought he was was he? Let her have him, a man capable of cheating on his unsuspecting loyal partner of 25 years. You deserve better.

fairgame84 Wed 17-Aug-16 15:14:37

I've been in a similar situation and understand how bad it hurts.
I can't say anything that will make it better, it just takes time.

justwantaquietlifeplease Wed 17-Aug-16 15:15:45

Sorry to hear that Dolly. It must be so so hard to bear.

I don't have any very good advice, sorry. But just try to keep your head held high and try not to focus on him and what he's up to. And if you find your mind drifting to those horrible mental images, then check yourself and force them from your mind.

Think about you and what you'd like next for yourself. Maybe sink yourself into a new project or activity to take your mind off things and to feel good about you.

People say that time heals, but I can see this must be a very difficult pill to swallow after you were with him all those years. Try to hang in there. Take care ... flowers

LloydDonegan16 Wed 17-Aug-16 15:17:50

My resentment is very raw - we went from relatively normal to 3 weeks of "I'm not sure whether I'm finishing with you" - my ex confirmed yesterday via Whatsapp.......

I'm dragging myself through old credit card statements and remembering good times. Resentful too as I supported her as much as I could - even last September when I wasn't working I paid £48 towards school clothing as her ex wouldn't, just to make things easier for her.

Struggling today - on the edge of tears most of the time. Paying for counseling next week on Tuesday but have booked to see GP to go back onto escitalopram as I don't think I can CBT my way out of this.

Rose Kennedy once said "It is said time heals all wounds - I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity , covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens. But it is never gone"

springydaffs Wed 17-Aug-16 15:19:54

It's only a year. That's not long with a break up like this, which is like a bereavement.

You've done so well in a year star

He, meanwhile, is the slime you didn't deserve. Wouldn't marry you after 25 years? yuk yuk yuk. She's got a prize there, eh. Not.

sianihedgehog Wed 17-Aug-16 15:21:05

The man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy..

Goingtobeawesome Wed 17-Aug-16 15:23:45

Such a flippant, old hat, pointless comment there.

HappyJanuary Wed 17-Aug-16 16:03:00

I suppose it's shorthand for 'when a man marries his mistress their marriage is subject to the same stresses as the old one, but twice as likely to fail primarily because at least one of them has the ability to convincingly lie to and deceive his/her partner'.

springydaffs Wed 17-Aug-16 16:31:34

Well said, Happy.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 17-Aug-16 16:48:49

It's never used as shorthand for that ime.

springydaffs Wed 17-Aug-16 17:05:19

Blimey, awesome. What's your beef?

Goingtobeawesome Wed 17-Aug-16 17:07:06

I feel it's a casual sentence thrown out when people are trying to be clever. It doesn't help the op, it's irreverent and pointless.

springydaffs Wed 17-Aug-16 21:36:40

I think op can be the judge of that.

Dollygirl2008 Thu 18-Aug-16 22:17:01

All the comments are helpful as I can't say anything to anyone in RL yet so it's just nice to hear from posters. I was walking around a local shop earlier and saw lots of weddingy bits and just started to well up as I pictured them walking round hand in hand choosing things.

Uhh it's just shit isn't it. So unfair that we have to waste years of our precious lives trying to get over these bastards...

DownTownAbbey Thu 18-Aug-16 22:55:20

My exH announced he was marrying an ex friend of mine who had been a bridesmaid at our wedding. Despite knowing that the vile cheating arseholes are perfect for each other I can't help but be horrified. I can only imagine how hurt you must be feeling. I wish I had a genuinely useful piece of advice for you. flowers

Treeclot Thu 18-Aug-16 23:07:40

I'm in a similar position. He proposed to OW after three months together. They'll marry this Xmas.

I feel very confused because he still rings me In tears telling me he loves me.

But I keep reminding myself that:
-marriage vows mean very little to either of them.
-She'll be watching him like a hawk for the duration of their marriage, he'll constantly have to defend where he's been and with whom.
- any mutual friends and his family that attend the ceremony are bound to be thinking WTF is he doing???
- Most importantly of all, I win because I don't have to grow old with a cheating liar who doesn't cherish me.

On the day itself I plan to arrange something with my friends so I'm not alone dwelling on it.x

Treeclot Thu 18-Aug-16 23:10:00

Oh and in my case the pressure to marry has definitely come from OW. Her need for reassurance that he won't cheat on her has provoked a proposal - how romantic!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 18-Aug-16 23:13:30

One month for every year.

25 years together means minimum 25 months to be over him. You aren't even half way.

Cary2012 Fri 19-Aug-16 08:35:59

Yes RunRabbit is absolutely right, I was married twenty years, and after a year it was still raw. It is early days OP, you are still grieving. He broke your heart, it will mend. Try to switch your thoughts when you find yourself picturing the wedding. Plan a special treat for yourself, a spa, shopping, whatever you enjoy on the actual day. It will get better.

Dollygirl2008 Fri 19-Aug-16 08:37:00

Thanks runrabbit.... I think sad wink

HappyJanuary Fri 19-Aug-16 12:18:01

Good point from treeclot. For it to be happening so soon I'd bet my house he's under pressure from ow as she desperately tries to show the world that they're a proper couple and in order to justify they're terrible behaviour. She wants guests to think 'she is so loved by this man who wouldn't marry his ex' but they will actually be thinking 'poor cow'.

Dollygirl2008 Mon 12-Sep-16 22:07:03

Sorry to resurrect this, but I just can't seem to get a grip and I'm ashamed of myself. So the proposal went ahead, she accepted and now I'm having to listen to his family etc being "oh so happy for them". Tonight my DC came home from their house, full of wedding info and arrangements for next year (he's not actually told me they are getting married yet). I have tried so hard to hide it from my DC and be dignified, but tonight I just burst out crying, which then set her off. It took all my strength to compose myself in front of her and to get her off to bed thinking it was all ok, but I've just cried and can't stop crying since.
I just don't know where to start with this - the wedding they are planning sounds beautiful and just what I would have chosen x

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