Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I wonder whether im an overly sensitive bitch or actually right(17 Posts)
Hi girls nice to be in your company
So. I started dating this person with whom we were friends for some time. Everything's been good, we decided to take the physical stuff slow and we'd been having a lot of fun, meeting once a week because we dont live close. For a couple months now.
The last time he talked a lot about a long time lady friend of his. He seemed excited to see her (he only see hers few times a year, she has a boyfriend and she usually declines invites that he initiates). He was so excited that he didnt confirm our plans for next week, as he'll go see her. I tried to make plans but he just played dumb.
I got really jealous and confronted him. Told him that im not looking to be anyone's second choice. That i sensed he has unresolved feelings for her. He tried to reassure me that he doesnt see this woman that way and that he would meet me next week. But i didnt believe him. I asked for some time away from eachother, and then he broke down in tears. Telling me that he hadnt felt the things he felt with me for a really long time. I really think this is not him being in love with me, but fear of being alone. Tears and professions of feelings do almost nothing to me, i prefer to see the facts that come from spontaneous actions.
During our time dating he's been attentive and sweet. And respectful. But then again, that's his personality.
I told him to go out with her and see how it goes and how he feels. And we'll talk after some weeks. See how we both feel. I urged him to go for who he really wants, not for who seems easy to have. He said "i want you", and i still insisted that we take the time away, and meet at a later time.
Do you ladies think i was too harsh? I think i wasnt, but Im very suspicious, i have lots of bad experiences in the past. I wonder if there's any hope and some kind of negotiation i can do when i do see him again. Similar stories with bf's lady friends would really help.
The time away really helps clearing my head, as being around him my emotions take charge.
You've done the right thing & acted on gut instinct
You sound very smart and clued-up; trust your instincts! BOTH people have to choose each other.
Hey thanks u guyz <3 Do u think there's something i can do? I have started to fall for him But i just cant take anymore heartbreak.
I dont think he'll cut her off... should i ask of it anyway? its not like it's her fault, i dont blame the woman, im worried that he's chasing her and that she occupies a part of his mind and heart.
Or shall I ask to see her only if I and her bf are around? Like going out as couples only?
You're kind of assuming that he'll come back to you after seeing his other flame. You're right to assume that, in a way, because he probably will. However, laying down t's & c's would be a version of the pick-me dance. He seems to have little ability to choose and would possibly prefer to pick both of you and carry on.
He's a flawed character and trusting him as time goes on is probably going to become a bug-bear. Have you considered actually ending it, rather than putting off the moment you realise that he's likely to pick both of you?
Trying to control him by insisting he lets go of her or meeting as two couples (why would you want to do this?) seems awkward too. He must make his own choices and so must you. Perhaps he prefers to make choices by proxy ie: through you saying "off you go then". She controls when he sees her, you are thinking to control this whole situation when you (sic) take him back.
I think your energies would be better deployed in pulling back those tentative feelings of "falling for him" when he doesn't quite feel the same. What you've done atm is give him the green light to see her when she allows it; you've withdrawn your presence in his life for a few weeks with the intention of resuming. Is that really what you choose?
He's procrastinated already so as to expand his chances of meeting up with this friend w/out her b/f and left you in a void. Doesn't bode well for the future. You certainly did the right thing by reclaiming your space for awhile. Your motivation might be less clear though. Just my opinions.
I'm going to go against other posters and say I think it was a massive over reaction on your part. You say she is a long time friend, so don't you think if they had feelings they would have got together before? Why can't they be really good friends just because they are the opposite sex?
This getting all excited about her would make me a bit suspicious, too, having seen it in my ex and only finding out what it meant later! But you offered him a friendly way out, basically saying that it's OK for him to love someone else and you don't hold it against him, but he has to choose between you. That means he wouldn't lose face or be the baddie if he chose her. Yet he still insists that he doesn't want her. That would be pretty convincing to me. I'd probably give him a chance. Can you continue to take it fairly lightly and slowly?
I don't think there is such a thing as a relationship with a "no heartbreak" guarantee, I'm afraid...
If they are long time friends, then chances are that he is right to be so excited. I don't get it how come the first time he mentions a long time female friend you go all jealous and confront him really ... but that is just me.
Jane there's happiness to see your old friend, and then there's excitement à la Mentionitis... sometimes you do just get that gut feeling. We can't understand it as we didn't see it, but if the OP says she felt suspicious, maybe she did spot something subtle.
I appreciate your replies u guys.
Honestly, I don't know whether I'll take him back :/ This is why i need this time, to think, and think, and think.... Without any distractions from him. He doesn't know whether I want to continue either. What he does know is that we're going to have a talk after some time.
The way I've been thinking about it is that if she is a friend indeed, then he wouldnt have a problem with all of us hanging out. But then there's the thought that this wouldnt make his possible feelings from his side dissolve, given that they exist. Btw she's probably not attracted to him. So what really bothers me is the possibility of him wanting her secretly and just settling for me because I make him feel good.
He thinks that he's doing nothing wrong because he says she's just a friend. But his behaviour the other day, talking about her and then not confirming our plans speaks otherwise :/ When I confronted him he said he would have seen me too, but I think that's damage control really.
When we meet I want to ask him to be really honest with himself and me. I don't mind him wanting the other woman, but he has to be honest. I prefer knowing the truth and respecting him for saying it out loud, than him telling me what he thinks i want to hear. After this request, I hope he'll be honest and responsible. And then I'd be willing to negotiate about the friend thing.
I wouldnt be so alarmed if he didn't bring her name up constantly and didnt confirm plans with me. He never brought up the name of other loved friends so much before seeing them (even ones he sees rarely), and also if he didn't see me that week then that means he could go two weeks without seeing me and probably being ok with it.
Man, that sucks. Now I'm really angry again.
@ravenmum, I tend to think this way too, giving chances. But then im too afraid to be hurt and wonder if it's worth it I told him that I don't want to be involved if his attention and time will depend on some other woman's moods. I tried to be really honest and direct and hoping he'll be the same way.
But what happened in your case? Did they get together? :/
What you're saying makes quite a lot of sense. But he also has other good loved friends that he didn't bring up constantly before meeting, even though he sees them really rarely. :/
I think from your replies to various opinions there's something that's sitting easy with you. Ultimately it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't feel for her, what's important is how he is making you feel. If you are not happy, it's time to go. Living with wondering and doubt is a sad, lonely place and relationship.
But what happened in your case? Did they get together? :/
Turned out to be affairs. He got a thrill out of taking me places they had been, inviting them round, just referring to them as work colleagues (which they were ). I thought he was just excited about his new responsibilities at work, but it turned out his promotion was the key to chatting up women!
I don't mind him wanting the other woman, but he has to be honest
What about him "having" the other woman? Would that make you mind? I think you should put some thought into your own boundaries, hopes, expectation. And yes, your "rules of engagement". There is never any honesty to come from a dishonest person. You may be expecting too much in that department. What do YOU want from this relationship? Is it something you can or cannot have with this man? How far will you have to bend to make this work? Will he be expected to compromise (choose) too?
Join the discussion
Please login first.