Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does your partner look after you when you're ill?

(26 Posts)
Atlas15 Wed 17-Aug-16 08:49:36

Just that really. I don't get ill very often and when I am ill I try my best to carry on as normal.
Since last year I have been suffering postnatal depression and anxiety. I tried my best to self help for a while. But I couldn't sleep started having heart palpitations and worried about everything. I told my partner and he doesn't say it but gives of the vibe that I'm a lazy attention seeker.
I went to see the nurse and told her how I felt and she recommended me for cbt.
I was ashamed to tell my husband but had to when I couldn't take my 3 children to the initial appointment.
He didn't really say anything which was a relief to me.
When I tell him about my sessions and what we discussed he looks uncomfortable like he wants to say something but is holding in it.
Anyway, for the past month I have had migraines. The only times I'm not in pain is just after I wake up.
I told him what I was going through and again he does nothing to help me. His mum lives across the road and since I'm co-sleeping with my baby girl he decided to stay over over there pretty much everyday.
My daughter is still breastfed and goes to sleep really late sometimes. I could be up to 2-3 trying to put her to sleep. Then she wants to breastfed in the night. After that my eldest son who is 6 wakes me up at 7 no matter what time he goes to bed the night before, and wants breakfast.
I try to go back to sleep but I can't. My head hurts too much and they make too much noise. This is my morning everyday. Sometimes he will take the eldest to his mums but will often bring him back unfed.
Forward to yesterday and I've started having cold sweats and shivering, pains in my stomach and this throbbing headache. Tablets get rid of the shivering but nothing will budge this headache. I told him and was showing him my goosebumps saying please can you look after them for a whole day and night. I'm trying to stop breastfeeding aswell so it would help in that. He doesn't say anything or care and then I start talking about the fact that I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown and that I can't do it again tomorrow. He flips and says so what? Stop fucking moaning all the time? I said that I'm only moaning because I'm not getting any help. If he would've just stepped up a little bit a few months ago I wouldn't be this bad right now.
I feel like I'm being very selfish and childish because I can't cope with even folding clothes. Everything is exhausting. But if I don't do it no one will.
I told him I've been thinking about suicide and hanging myself from the light. It took me a lot to tell him I was crying when I wrote the message. He replied lol you would break the light it wouldn't work. I couldn't believe that he was joking around about this stuff. I need just 1 day to myself and one night to myself. No children just so I can sleep and get back to normal. But he won't help me. I feel like dropping the kids off at his mums and checking into a hotel for the day as I feel I have no other option. I'm feeling this was due to pure exhaustion. If I had a break I would feel more able to cope and the physical symptoms would go to.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Aug-16 08:59:21

I think you need to see your GP urgently i.e. this morning and tell this person what you have written here; I understand you have seen a nurse previously and I presume you are still waiting for CBT. When did you last see this nurse?.

I also feel that the man you are with is also a large part of your problem and is simply adding to your underlying depressive state. He certainly does come across as being completely uncaring towards you.

Queenbean Wed 17-Aug-16 09:00:13

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and dealing with it

This isn't normal, he's being an utter arsehole to you. Can you talk to him properly, sit down without interruptions and tell him how you feel, how you're at breaking point?

Otherwise, can you drop the kids off with his mum and go to a hotel for a few days as you say?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 17-Aug-16 09:03:50

Thing is, if he is an arse (and he is certainly acting like one towards the OP) then she talking to him is not going to make any difference whatsoever. She's tried talking and he's either been silent or has made nasty remarks in response. He is happy as he is and does not care about her. He cannot be at all relied upon here.

Where are your own family OP: are they supportive of you?. What is his mother like?.

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 17-Aug-16 09:16:15

Call in any help you can. He is an utter horrid prick and is not going to change. You can't rely on him and sound like you would be massively better off without him.

To answer your question, yes he does look after me when I'm Ill - we don't live together yet and he makes sure I have medicine, food, helps with DS, takes me to the doctor if I can't drive myself, generally he can't do too much for me.

My ex husband was abusive and acted exactly like your H when I was ill. Silent treatment, sulking, ignoring, making things harder, doing nothing with DS. It was awful.

There can be a better way OP.

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 17-Aug-16 09:18:11

And agree with an very urgent Gp appointment. You need to get well to look after yourself and your kids. You're not selfish. You are sick.

Annabel11 Wed 17-Aug-16 09:24:48

This guy ... what's his problem?

StartledByHisFurryShorts Wed 17-Aug-16 09:27:51

Please get help. Ring for an emergency appointment at the doctors and tell them everything you've told us. You need support and you are not getting it from your husband.

BlackVelvet1 Wed 17-Aug-16 09:31:56

You need to take care of you first so you can take care of your little ones.
I think you can leave the clothes folding (and pretty much anything that is not absolutely necessary). Could your MIL have the kids for 1 hour or 2 everyday so you can have a bit of down time (with food provided/tell DH to take food for DS in morning)? Otherwise you might be able to find a local childminder.
It's not your fault that your DD doesn't sleep well and it's very tough.

wobblywonderwoman Wed 17-Aug-16 09:42:25

I think your dh is the root of your stress op. I would find a way to break free from him.

Also I don't know what age baby is but could you go cold turkey on night feeds.

Heart goes out to you. Hope all will be OK.

Atlas15 Wed 17-Aug-16 12:08:47

Thank you for your replies. In the morning I spoke to him on whatsapp and he said that he would take all the kids to stay at his mums house for the night. I was shocked but he must've seen I was serious yesterday. I just hope he doesn't come back tomorrow morning and says what a nightmare it was ect.
I've spoken to my mum and she is having my two boys for three days next week but not the baby because she is breastfed. My mum lives a few hours away from me do I don't really see her that often. She has never looked after any of my children is always busy but for the past few years she has said in the 6 weeks holiday she would have them for a few days so I reminded her of that. My mother inlaw wil look after them if I need to go shopping ect but always seems to be just going out or don't be long because I need to go dentist/opticians ect.
Two years ago before I had my daughter. I had had enough of him at this point he wasn't working and used to be verbally aggressive to me. Didn't have a future plan. I went to a women's refuge and was prepared to start a new life. But the refuge was very depressing. My room was on the 8th floor, had to take the kids and lock the door everytime I wanted to go to the toilet or make cup of tea. The TV room was on the ground floor there was no lifts and it was miles away from where I had lived. I had everyone phoning me up telling me to go back. He was cutting himself, crying no one had seen him like this. This would be the step that made him change. I had my boys telling me they missed daddy and they were bored and when were we going home. I ended up going back.
He did indeed fix up. Stopped smoking weed, got a job, started doing his driving lessons. But his selfishness is still there. He sees other women handling 4-5 children and thinks why am I complaining. I told him they have their mums, sisters ect helping them out. I'm by myself.

bluecashmere Wed 17-Aug-16 12:44:17

This is about so much more than your original post. You have to remove this abusive man from your life (as far as possible) and get some support. It would be worth speaking to Women's Aid. I hope having a bit of a break helps in the short term but you need a long term plan.

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 17-Aug-16 12:51:03

Please speak to Women's Aid again. I think you're trying to fix a broken arm with a plaster. Your life could be so much better OP.

Lottapianos Wed 17-Aug-16 12:55:49

'Please speak to Women's Aid again. I think you're trying to fix a broken arm with a plaster'


In answer to your original question, yes, my DP waits on me hand and foot if I'm ill and takes over the running of everything. Don't get the idea into your head that all men are as uncaring and downright rotten as your man is. This is not normal OP - they are his children, he should be taking care of them at least as much as you are. And you are his partner - he should care about you and want to help you out if you are unwell.

Other posters who have identified this man as the root of your problems are so spot on. Life could be so much better than this. You deserve much better

Grannypants1 Wed 17-Aug-16 13:00:30

Sorry for what you are going through op. Bit is sounds like you aren't dealing with 3 children you are dealing with 4. Except the 4th is a demon parasite who makes your life help. Cut off that parasite and go get the help you need. Do you want your kids growing up thinking that is normal. Going into relationships and accepting what you have. A negative environment between you two will affect them more than the difficult transition to a newer healthier life. Take it from someone whose mother went through the same thing. My post father childhood was amazing. My grandparent was an amazing role model and my mother as a happier woman gave us love that was enough and more.

Grannypants1 Wed 17-Aug-16 13:01:29

My partner is so supportive whilst I am even a little bit ill because we care about how eachother feel. You deserve that.

Atlas15 Wed 17-Aug-16 13:06:37

I just don't want to up and leave everything again. I'm alone as it is without him I would have nobody. My kids love their dad aswell they are older than the first time I left. What would I say to them? Also the process of going to a refuge again. I have 3 children this time. Where would they send me? I dont like going outside a lot so would spend most of the time in the room. The refuge I went to before didn't let you bring visitors over so my mum wouldn't be able to come to where I was staying. Also the children are at school now. They go back in two weeks, how would all that work? Plus money and the benefit cap with 3 children it seems like I would reach it with housing benefit ect. I know it's a load of excuses but these are real things that I think about. I don't know how I would cope having 3 children in one room. At least now I can hide out in my bedroom whilst they are in the sitting room (I have a flat no stairs).

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 17-Aug-16 13:15:54

The benefit cap is for 3 kids from x date, not now, I think, but could be wrong.

The only way you're going to have any quality of life at all is to get rid of him. Find your anger OP. He treats you like dirt and you are worth so much more.

AnnieOnnieMouse Wed 17-Aug-16 13:17:55

Previous posters have given good advice about seeing GP, etc.
My DP didn't react well if I moaned, then asked for help, but I found that what worked well was not to complain, then ask for help, but simply to ask for the help - eg, DP, please take ds's to the park, I need to rest, DP, please take kids out for a walk so I can, xyz. Short, sweet, to the point.
I now have multiple health problems, and DP looks after me very well.
Also ask GP if your LA provides joint counselling for couples - some will give 6 sessions.

Lottapianos Wed 17-Aug-16 13:23:55

Do not do joint counselling with this man OP. He has zero respect for you and is abusive. Focus on CBT for yourself, and on moving towards getting rid of him

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 17-Aug-16 13:25:36

Joint counselling is not recommended for abusive relationships.

He doesn't care for you OP. I'm sorry.

Grannypants1 Wed 17-Aug-16 17:46:17

Can your mum assist op? If your mum is around you aren't alone. Although I am sure op has enforced that you are. Speak to womans aid, Speak to your local council and housing association. As a woman with 3 kids looking to flee and abusive partner you will be prioritised. You would be eligible for benefits (even with a cap this should be sufficient temporarily) child tax credit, housing,council, given your current mental state maybe even eligible for disability (reference -precious worse a brief stint in financial advice prior whilst at uni) no one has said it is easy. But what is your option op? Getting so depressed you end it and leave your kids motherless with him? Teaching your kids that they should accept abusive 'love' think about them. When they are older, would you accept someone who acts like dp to treat your kids like that? Because that is what you are teaching them. Why bother with co sleeping and attachment parenting if you are willing to let your kids learn that toxic 'love' is acceptable. Yes your kids are a bit older old enough to start learning from the behaviours of those around them. Behaviours that abuse and disrespect women. Womens refuges aren't haven't obviously but they have worked for others before you, would you really much rather have extra rooms for your kids than a long term healthy environment? He is a manipulative sociopath. Get out

Grannypants1 Wed 17-Aug-16 17:48:34

*I am sure dp has enforced
*refuges aren't haven.

Stop listing reasons you can't do it and start listing reasons you can
Start listing reasons you should
Make a plan of acting
You can do this

Grannypants1 Wed 17-Aug-16 17:48:54

*action ffs I can't type.

Atlas15 Wed 17-Aug-16 20:33:27

Today I went to the shops and my phone died when I came back he apprently thought that I had left him and went round his mums and was driving around looking for me. I was gone 1hr and a half. I went to PoundLand and the park.
He said it was because I had done it before and the way I was acting made him think that.
It's like when he reaches new lows he then does something helpful like agreeing to look after all the children tonight. He also cleaned the flat today.
I don't know what to do it seems like I'm acting irrationally. I don't want to leave and regret it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now