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help needed to change my attitude want to be single and happy

(7 Posts)
RedSquirrel24 Wed 17-Aug-16 08:38:02

So my background, 3 amazing DC's 8,7 and 5, split from DH 3 years ago, big relief, was happy single for a while, fully appreciate I'm happier alone than in the wrong relationship, however I am craving to be in a long term relationship. Recently out of short term relationship, he wasn't over ex, but the times we spent together both alone and with DC's are the happiest I have had for a long time, I just felt complete. I want to feel complete alone as I don't feel that my attitude is healthy and worry that I may try and settle with just someone rather than someone right for us because of craving to be in a relationship again. I know I need to stop feeling like this. How do I change my mind set? though perfectly capable of being alone, financially secure, have a good circle of friends, supportive mother, I feel that I have everything I need to be happy, yet I'm not because I want a partner, how can I change my mind set to be happy and single, I feel I have no reason not to be happy, but I'm just not

user1467958533 Wed 17-Aug-16 09:31:27

Happiness comes from inside, I think you forgot to love yourself. You have your own life, your aims and ambitions, a lot more is to cone, nothing is over yet and let me tell you being single is good , In this phase, you must travel and explore new things and surely your point of view if relationship will change, and after that life will be much more smoother, and you will be more wiser that before, when it comes to make decisions.

WavingNotDrowning Wed 17-Aug-16 09:36:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LloydDonegan16 Wed 17-Aug-16 10:03:22

You've hit the nail on the head WavingNotDrowning. I've just had a relationship which lasted under a year and the big thing for me was just knowing the person was there. She is a very busy single mother of two under tens and couldn't give me the time I wanted (part of the reason she ended it). Last weekend would have been our first anniversary and rather than dinner at "our" restaurant followed by Tattinger at home I ended up driving alone to the coast and having a Burger King.

Evenings I can cope with but the weekends are the twisted knife. I feel I've had my summer stolen.

RedSquirrel24 Wed 17-Aug-16 22:08:44

Thank you user1467... I think I may have forgotten to love myself, I've focused on my kids, caring and protecting them, they have been my drive for the last three years, when their father and I split up he didn't have any contact with them for 3 months, except 2 or 3 Skype sessions, never asked me how they were doing, his focus was getting divorced asap, and only correspondence was regarding what he was wanting from that, house, belongings etc, nothing re contact with kids, his response when I asked 'what about the kids' was 'well that's obvious, you will keep them' they were
2,3 and 5 at the time, after 3 months he started seeing them for one day a month. I managed to sell my business within 2 months of us breaking up and yet have found something to get my teeth into professionally again. I have been searching myself for a while now wondering what to do, but as yet not really come up with anything, nor do I yet have much time spare to put into a business or job, job would need to be well paid as I would need child care for 3 kids, not to mention that the kids really don't want to go into childcare and like the security of me being at home for them. I know in time this will change and they won't be so dependent.

Lonelinessnotdrowning 'though for me it's more about the loneliness of being single and the companionship of being part of a couple rather than needing a partner to be "complete"

I was just in a relationship too and loved that I had someone to go out with/spend time together at evenings and weekends'

Yes this was me, after a couple of years of being completely single DC's father finally started having regular contact, every other weekend, and youngest DC also started school, I found then that I was starting to get time to me, rather than previously when time with out the kids meant running round like a headless chicken, cleaning tidying and getting stuff organised such as the kids clothes. The me time was when I started thinking I may like to meet someone to hang out with when DCs were away, I didn't always fancy hanging out with my friends and their kids, but we did go out lots in the evening etc, I started running, yoga, tennis etc but it doesn't quite fulfill me.
Started seeing a man, an old friends brother, lots of mutual friends, when things were just starting there was lots of matchmaking going on between our friends, getting us out at the same place and time etc. Obviously we knew each other prior as did my DC's and his DC but we started spending more time together with DC's and alone. The moment I realised I felt complete was when we were away camping, wrought with friends one morning it was just us 6 together and everything just clicked, the kids are really close, combined 4 in 3 years two girls 2 boys, ironically I always wanted 4 kids close in age but that didn't happen. Sorry that is so long winded explanation to where the comment complete came from!

But I agree it is companionship, someone to just be there, give a dam and do things with, I do have friends but that's different, that is exactly what I am craving, and this is not making me happy feeling this way, I want to feel utterly content alone, but just don't know how to, any self help book recommendations perhaps?

starsandstripes2016 Wed 17-Aug-16 22:18:52

I had to get married to find out what loneliness really is and I am learning to be autonomous. It is indeed a strong urge to share time, to be intimate with another person. I hope it will be easier to be alone and lonely rather to have a person so near and yet so unattainable (STBXH and I will live separately mid-Sept).

RedSquirrel24 Thu 18-Aug-16 23:12:33

Starsand stripes, I'm sorry for your situation, you have reminded me how lonely I was in my marriage, once apart I felt much less lonely, partly because my friends were then aware I was physically on my own so made an effort, but having reminded me of that loneliness, my current state isn't half as bad, not long to go till mid September, I really hope it gets infinitely better for you then as it did me, hang on in there

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